I miss you when you [18 Ar 39.948]. (Answer at the end.)
Kid: My dad says you spy on people.
Zuckerberg: He's not your dad.
People will buy $300 worth of groceries and still stop for fast food on the way home.
Just spent $300 on a limousine and discovered that the fee doesn't include a driver.
Can't believe I spent all that money and have nothing to chauffeur it.
My husband just told me, "sex is better on vacation."
Not the best postcard I've ever received.
Have you ever read a comment on social media that made you click on the person's profile just to see if they look as stupid as they sound?
Girls: I'm so fat. – Noooo, you're beautiful!
Guys: Am I fat? – Bro, I have five fat friends and you're four of them.
When a woman asks you to guess her age, it's like deciding whether to cut the blue, red, or green wire to diffuse a bomb.
Never run a marathon in bad shoes.
You will suffer the agony of defeet.
The four stages of a day off. (Or a typical retiree's day)
1. Will do so much stuff.
2. Later I'll do lots of stuff.
3. Eventually I'll do some stuff.
4. Oh No!
5. (retiree) Tomorrow.
I asked my wife why we never have sex anymore.
"Speak for yourself" wasn't the answer I was expecting.
My boss texted me…
"Send me one of your funny jokes."
I replied…
"I'm working at the moment, I'll send you one later."
He replied…
"That was fantastic! Send me another one."
Getting gas this morning at pump 3, I noticed the person before me bought $10 worth.
Where the hell were they going? Pump 4?
My desire to be well informed is currently at odds with my desire to remain sane.
If I melt dry ice, can I swim without getting wet?
If only reading burned more calories.
The 5-second rule for food dropped on the floor doesn't work if you have a 2-second dog.
Wedding night confessions…
Husband: "Honey I have to confess, I've slept with loads of prostitutes before I met you."
Wife: "I just knew I'd seen you somewhere before!"
Aibohphobia is the fear of palindromes. Palindrome – A word spelled the same forward and backward. The guy that named the phobia was evil.
Me: I joined a carpenter's class last week.
Friend: Have you made anything yet?
Me: We've only just begun.
I hate when people take my glasses and say "Wow you really can't see!"
No shit.
I don't take a random person's wheelchair and say "Wow you really can't walk!"
What if lollipops moaned every time you licked them?
The price of gas is so bad, I went into a station and asked for $5.00 worth of gas. The clerk farted and gave me a receipt.
Pulled out a nose hair today to see if it hurt.
Judging by the reaction of the man asleep next to me on the bus, it seems pretty painful.
We used to pay real money for ringtones and now if my phone makes a noise it ruins my day.
Professor: Most of you won't pass this course.
Me: Great, so your like really shitty at your job.
Not all who wander are lost.
Some are just looking for the scissors.
I swear I just had them, right here!
Quiet laidback men, why do you go for loud fiery women?
Someone has to tell the waiter I ordered mashed potatoes and it's not going to be me.
When you ask for someone's name, you're essentially asking them what noise you should make to get their attention.
The reason I don't like social media's "memories" feature is that it shows me wearing the same shirt I have on right now.
Some poor, homeless fool is probably sitting next to a waterfall somewhere totally unaware of how angry and scared he's supposed to be.
An 8 year old just asked why the tooth fairy doesn't just dig up dead people to get teeth.
There's an old law school saying that goes as follows:
"Those law students who get A's in law school become law professors.
Those law students who get B's in law school become judges.
And those law students who get C's in law school become the working lawyers of the world."
The saying never addressed, however, the law students who get the D's and F's. I always wondered what happened to them.
I have finally figured it out, though. Those law students who get the D's and F's in law school eventually go on to run for and serve in Congress.
I got my pet fly a tiny stopwatch. Now, my fly times.
I checked Kelley Blue Book today for my car's value and it asked if the tank was empty or full.
I'm on a light diet. I eat by daylight, moonlight, and sometimes refrigerator light.
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Answer – Argon