Don't shoot me. I'm only the messenger.
Is diarrhea considered premature evacuation?
Asking for a friend.
War is God's way of teaching Americans geography.
Sign at a restaurant…
If our food, drinks, or service is not up to your expectations, please lower your expectations.
I know from experience that in a life-and-death situation, your life really does flash before your eyes like a movie.
Mine, I had to rate one-and-a-half stars out of five, however.
Although there were some good action scenes, the acting was rather weak and the writing was dismal.
Costco is now selling a 27-pound bucket of mac and cheese. (no joke)
Remember when we use to line up at the fair and pay to see the fat tattooed lady?
Now they're everywhere.
I shine a laser pointer in my neighbors' window when they are gone. Their cat has trashed 3 sets of mini-blinds chasing it. They have no idea it's me.
Did you know smoking is good for the environment because it kills humans?
Life is a constant balancing act of wondering why you weren't invited to something and wondering how to get out of it.
If you hide 48 eggs and tell the kids there are 50, you can get a little nap in.
I see stupid people everywhere.You will not believe what just happened…I walk into gas station to get a drink…as I walked up, I noticed 2 deputies watching some dude who was smoking while pumping gas…I saw him & thought: 1. This guy has no common sense & 2. Is he really that stupid w/deputies right there, too?..anyways, I went in & got my drink…as I was checking out, I heard screaming & looked outside…the dude's arm was on fire!..He was swinging his arm & running around going crazy!..I ran outside & the deputies had put him on the ground & were putting the fire out w/their coffees!..YES, THEIR COFFEES!..Then, they handcuffed him & threw him in the back of the police car…then I started thinking: He shouldn't have been smoking near the pump while getting gas!…& being the nosey person that I am, I asked the deputies: Why are you arresting him?..the cop looked me dead in my eyes & said: FOR WAVING A FIREARM!
I got a job at Comcast and completed training so I could fix my own cable because it was faster than being on hold with customer service.
Just saved $18 by paying for shipping instead of trying to qualify for free shipping.
Some people think middle age isn't exciting but I put out a new bird feeder and seeing the first bird find it was better than most concerts I've been to.
On a road trip passing a billboard that says live girls dancing daily.
My daughter's voice from the backseat, "wow, that's a lot of recitals."
I don't have any fur babies so I'm going to call my children 'skin dogs'.
Introvert friend: Have you ever met the human version of a headache?
Me: Extroverts.
I'm gonna slap you so hard Google won't be able to find you.
Remember when you could refer to your knees as right and left instead of good and bad?
Penguins produce an oil that helps their feathers retain more body heat.
So basically, the oily bird gets the warm.
Is there a b in debt?
Well yes, but it's a subtle thing.
Ready?
Set!
Here we goooo…
Q: What do you call dental X-rays?
A: Tooth pics
Q: What do you call a group of babies?
A: An infantry.
Q: Did you hear about the Italian chef who died?
A: He pastaway.
Q: Why do cows have hooves instead of feet?
A: Because they lactose.
Q: What do you call a sleeping dinosaur?
A: A dinosnore.
Q: Which way did the programmer go?
A: He went dataway.
Q: How does NASA organize a party?
A: They planet.
Q: What do Alexander the Great and Winnie the Pooh have in common?
A: Same middle name.
Q: What did the left eye say to the right eye?
A: Between you and me, something smells.
Q: Why didn't the skeleton cross the road?
A: He didn't have the guts.
Q: What do you call an alligator that wears a vest?
A: An investigator
Q: Are mountains just funny?
A: No. They are hillareas.
Q: why didn't the bicycle stand up on its own?
A: It was two tired.
Q: What did the window feel when it was hit by a stone?
A: It felt the pane.
Due to supply chain issues, your Northeast February order of snow has now been delivered.
Devil: This is the lake of lava that you'll be spending eternity in.
Me: Actually we're underground so it would be magma.
Devil: You realize this is why you're here.
Would it be weird to get someone a furnace as a housewarming gift?
I'm looking for a book on how to fix automatic gearboxes, but the library only has manuals.
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