I may not have been my mother's favorite child, but I was the first one she thought of when the police showed up.
The good news is I did a close inspection of your colon and it looks perfect.
What's the bad news?
I'm not a doctor.
When I told my Dad over the phone that my husband has the flu, he said, "Have you tried euthanasia?"
In the background, mom yelled, "For the last time, it's ECHINACEA!"
The inventor of pop rocks:
Sugar is not good enough.
It also needs to detonate.
Sir, our system has been breached. As a security precaution, I will change all of our passwords to KENNY.
The update has been confirmed.
We now all have KENNY logins.
I bought my girlfriend 4 pregnancy tests and they all came out positive.
Now she's crying…
She said, "How are we going to feed 4 kids?"
I got up at 5am and ran 5 miles.
Went home and ate a pan of vegetables.
Did 100 pushups.
I don't remember the rest of my dream but I sure woke up tired.
I had to take a nap.
Next time you break wind in public, say, "Do I smell popcorn?"
Then watch everyone take a deep breath!
Walmart is opening dental offices in some of its stores.
There will be an express lane for 12 teeth or less.
Interviewer: Why do you want this job?
Me: I've always been passionate about being able to afford food.
At a fabric store, a pretty girl spots a nice material for a dress and asks the male clerk: how much it cost. "Only one kiss per yard," replied the male clerk with a smirk. "That's fine," said the girl. I'll take ten yards." With expectation and anticipation written all over his face, the clerk quickly measured out the cloth, wrapped it up, and then teasingly held it out. The girl took the bag and pointed to the old man standing beside her, and smiled, "Grandpa will pay the bill."
I came home today to find my wife has been on eBay all day long.
If she's still on there tomorrow, I'll have to lower the price.
Dear Lottery, I demand a recount. It's clear your machines are corrupt; everyone knows I won; it was clearly stolen from me.
Don't wait until you're on your deathbed to tell people how you feel.
You could be too weak to raise your middle finger.
As I've aged, I'm eternally grateful that I've gotten fatter instead of more politically conservative.
A middle eastern market is opening up in our neighborhood.
How bazaar is that?
Someone stole my iPhone. The police said the thief could face time.
Obesity runs in my family.
Nobody runs in your family.
She makes sexual jokes because they make her giggle, not because she wants to have sex with you, lonely internet man.
Oh, you like bad boys? Well, sometimes I cite articles I've only skimmed.
Meh, good enough. – Mediocrates
Adults are probably spanked more than children these days.
Soon it will be the alpacalypse.
Unless llamageddon comes first.
Cooking for 2 hours to eat for 10 minutes is the biggest scam in the world.
Let me check my giveashitometer.
Nope, nothing.
How hot is it this summer?
It's hotter than a plan B pill at an evangelical bible camp.
I hate when someone rings my doorbell. Because then I have to drop whatever I'm doing and be very quiet so they don't know I'm home.
According to astronomy, when you wish upon a star you're actually a few million years late.
That star is dead.
Just like your dreams.
Outside is scary and inside is lonely (no it's not), we need a third place. (no we don't)
Tradition is peer pressure from dead people.
Kids paper: My favorite thing to do at school is… leave.
The best nicknames are the ones people don't know they have.
Someone asked me if I had plans for the fall.
It took me a moment to realize they meant autumn and not the collapse of civilization.
I'm not fat, I am just a few meals ahead and a few shits behind.
Apparently, you became this horrible evil person because you decided not to take shit anymore from someone.
I bought a wig for a dollar today.
It was a small price toupee.
Educated people are hot!
Why?
Because they have more degrees.
Archaeologists have discovered more of King Arthur's knights of the Round Table!!
The knight who:
Wandered around the table – Sir Cumference.
Was also a sailor – Sir Cumnavigate.
Jumped out from hiding – Sir Prise.
Lived in the woods – Sir Vival.
Followed people – Sir Valence.
Looked at buildings – Sir Vey.
Was also a doctor – Sir Gical.
Was rude – Sir Ley.
Liked steak – Sir Loin.
Knock knock…
Who's there?
The police.
What do you want?
We just want to talk.
How many of you are there?
Four.
Then talk to each other!
Sorry I sprayed WD40 in your mouth.
But it DID stop that noise you were making.
I recently asked a student where his homework was.
He said, "It's still in my pencil".
The key to looking amazing is looking like crap most of the time so when your not, it's more of a surprise.
Waiter: "Anything to drink mam?"
4yo: "My mom needs a fucking margarita."
… So, yeah, they're always listening.
Will I stop posting inappropriate memes?
Will I work on not swearing?
Will I stop laughing at sexual innuendos?
Tune in next week to the next episode of absolutely fucking not!
Mom to 5yo: For the last time, the swing in mommy's room is not a toy.
Dad to mom:
I'm sorry.
The kids were playing some sort of cowboy game.
The five-year-old kept yelling 'yippee ki yay'.
I didn't think and instinctively finished the phrase.
Mother Goose: Waiter, my soup is cold.
Waiter: Ma'am, It's gazpacho.
Mother Goose: Sorry, Mr. Gazpacho, my soup is cold.
Vegan ribs are actually delicious.
The hardest part is hunting down the vegan.
The Spanish word of the day is: wheelchair.
There's only one donut left so wheelchair.
I'm so single that If I win a trip for 2 I'm going twice.
What generation does Forest Gump belong to?
Gen A.
I'm feeling rich today. I switched out the Walmart bag in the trash can to a Target bag.
I drive so badly that when I hear the GPS it's praying.
There are two types of people in this world:
We only have an hour to get to the airport…
and
We still have an hour till we need to be at the airport.
My save for later cart on Amazon is up to about 1.2 million dollars.
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