Why Is It…

… that most people don’t realize that the reason I don’t eat grapes is because I am not used to consuming wine in pill form

… that after my doctor told me to watch my drinking, I left his office to find a bar with a mirror

… that you know you’ve finally grown up when you actually pick up the ice ‎cube instead of kicking it under the fridge; of note, I am not that grown up

… that no one told me to enjoy my youth because after fifty my body’s dashboard was going to light up like a Christmas tree

… that the biggest lie I tell myself is that ‘I don’t need to write that down, I’ll remember it.

… that I have finally admitted that my level of weirdness is above the national average and I’m comfortable with that

… that I think some people need to come with a 30-second trailer so I can see what I’m getting into

… that whoever decided that a one-inch candy bar should be called ‘fun-sized’ should really reevaluate their standards for entertainment

… that when you were a child you often made funny faces in the mirror, but after middle age the mirror gets even

… that people need to realize that the reason I don’t iron my clothes is because if I’m not wrinkle-free why should my shirts and pants be wrinkle-free?

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