Loyal and patriotic citizens, please stand by for a message of the utmost importance from the President of the United States, Supreme Ruler of the Western Hemisphere, Lord-Emperor of the Sky Above and All the Planets, Conqueror Of Every War, God’s Own Avatar on Earth, Grand Re-namer of Water, and the Dumbest Fucking Imbecile to Ever Shit Himself Raw In the Oval Bordello.
“I wasn’t on the Ballot and if I was, we would have won IN A LANDSLIDE! Thank you for your attention to this matter. President DONALD J. TRUMP”
Oh, come off it, you tiresome crybaby.
How many times did this repulsive dipshit tell everyone to pretend that hewas on the ballot? According to the WaPo, it was at least 41 times over the past couple of weeks. Yeah, well, guess what, Nimrod — everyone did vote as if you were on that ballot of theirs. Don’t go boo-boo-booing to us if you don’t like the results.
You shit your bed. Now go lie in it.
(Folks, I’m running on way too much caffeine and way too little sleep this morning. I’m going to jot down a couple of quick hits and then maybe toddle back to bed.)
Well, we did it. We ran the table, and flipped both the House and the Senate back to Democratic control.
Now we can begin to dismantle this whole wretched experiment in what would happen if we took a greedy moron, put him in charge of an entire country, and let him to whatever the fuck he wants.
Yesterday, almost all the heroes who were supposed to win, did. Among them were James Talarico and Gina Hinojosa in Texas. Annie Andrews in South Carolina. Michigan’s Abdul El-Sayad, who becomes the first Muslim in the Senate.
And almost all the shitbags who supposed to lose, lost. The rank, in-over-her-head amateurs, like Darline Graham. The malodorous, what-the-fuck-is-he-even-doing-here political tourists, like Vivek Ramaswamy. Buh-bye, Viv. The low-wattage corruption-factories like Ken Paxton, who couldn’t even articulate a reason for running, beyond ‘me get money.’
And, most deliciously, that useless lump of protoplasm up in Maine, the one who’d spent thirty years doing fuck-all, apart from collecting a paycheck. I wonder what Susan Collins will do next? I’m really concerned, aren’t you?
Big Suze was such a class act that she didn’t even bother to deliver a concession speech. The second she lost, she fuckity-byed it out of there.
BANGOR, Maine — Sen. Susan Collins (R-Maine) greeted supporters at her election party throughout the night but was a no-show after losing her bid for a sixth term.
Her campaign played Semisonic’s “Closing Time” and began packing up the room without any concession speech from Collins.
Oh, and I regret that I must inform you that Jon Husted’s impossibly-sculpted ass — that big, strong gluteus, with tears in its eyes — lost its bid for reelection, too.
The whole country is mad at the GOP right now. Here’s just one measure of how pissed off: the last time Kansas elected a Democratic senator was 1932.
Republicans have no one to blame but themselves. They really did take a greedy moron, put him in charge of an entire country, and let him do whatever the fuck he wanted to.
Then they stepped back and completely abdicated their Constitutionally-mandated role to act as a check against dumbfuckery. Whatever the moron wanted, that was fine with then.
Incoherent tariffs? Go for it, Dear Leader. Unconstitutional executive orders? You do you, bro. Fire all the experts and replace them with morons? Sounds good to us. Prosecute political enemies? Knock yourself out. Send masked thugs to disappear people off the streets, and shoot anyone they want? Sure, why not? Kick millions of people off their healthcare so that gazillionaires can have another tax cut? Have at it. Bulldoze half the White House to rubble and replace it with some farkakte dance hall? Fucking go nuts. Wage illegal wars and alienate all our allies? What could possibly go wrong?
And look what happened. The moron broke our entire fucking country. The whole thing! Do you know how hard it is to break a country the size of America? It’s like trying to bankrupt a casino. People thought that was impossible, until Donny came along.
Do you know how badly you have to fuck up to get Republicans to vote for Democrats?
And now the grown-ups have to come in and fix all that shit. I better not hear one complaint about how much it’s costing or how much time it’s taking. Don’t make me come over there and explain just how much stuff is broken.
Oh, and shoot this shit straight into my veins.
LAWYER UP.
That’s Rep. Robert Garcia, the Democrat who is now the incoming chairman of the House Oversight Committee. He posted that last night, after winning his own reelection.
He’s talking to you, Donny. And you, Piss-Drunk Pete Kegstand. You too, Bobby Brainworms. Don’t pretend you can’t hear him over the noise of that whale-head-separating chainsaw. He’s talking to all of you White House shitweasels.
Lawyer the fuck up. Accountability is coming.
Hey — I know what would be fun right about now. Let’s overdose on schadenfreude while watching MAGA completely lose their shit on Elon’s Nazi Bar.
Thank you to Andy Vitek, who posted these to his Bluesky feed last night.
I’m going to give the final word today to Mister Barack HUSSEIN Obama, because he’s so good at being gracious. Me, I fucking suck at grace.
So take it away, Barack. Have at it.
Tonight, the American people sent a clear message — they want a politics that brings people together rather than divides them, and leaders who offer concrete solutions to the challenges they face.
These results were only possible because outstanding candidates stepped forward in every region of the country — including in areas once considered long shots. They came from different backgrounds and represented a range of political perspectives, but were united by shared values, a belief in public service, and a commitment to putting the people of their districts and states first.
We also owe a debt of gratitude to the thousands of election officials and volunteers from both parties who helped ensure a smooth election and carried out one of the most essential functions of our democracy.
While this administration has another two years in office, our job now is to roll up our sleeves, make changes wherever we have the power to do so, prevent further damage, and lay the groundwork for the future.
He really is so truly good at this. As I keep saying, I think this kid’s going to have a real future in front of him, some day.
And isn’t in nice that, at least this one time, we all do get a puppy — as opposed to, y’know, that other stuff?
this is going to be my closing message for the foreseeable future:
practice self-care. do what you need to do to keep sane. if that means you need to disengage with my daily posts for a while, I get it. this community of ours will still be here when you return.
to all the people who have signed on in the days since the election, welcome aboard. settle in as we all try to deal with the shitfuckery that’s ahead of us.
we are all in this together, and we are all here for each other.
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