Excuses

Via Salon:

Here are just a few of the excuses why, according to the GOP, Lord Mittens will not be the next President of the United States:

1.  Someone forgot to block off the wheelchair ramps in Ohio.

2.  It's not Mitt Romney's fault that racism just isn't as fashionable as it used to be. What's next? Petticoats? Butter churns? Blood-letting?

3.  No one could have anticipated that single mothers (the ones whose children Mitt blames for all the gun violence in this country) owned shoes with such good arch support they could wait in line for nine hours to vote.

4.  The public insisted on thinking of the trans-vaginal probe as the 10-inch shaming wand instead of the Romney-and-Ryan-approved euphemism, God's pointer finger.

5.  The elimination of the swimsuit portion of the debates! Paul Ryan in a silver banana hammock versus Joe Biden in a pair of old Birdwells? Ryan was a lock!

6.  America's failure to cotton to the GOP vice presidential candidate due to naked pictures of "Randy Ryan" pretending to make sweet sweet love to Ayn Rand's corpse.

7. Mitt Romney's Axis of Evil: Children, Minorities and Muppets.

8. Romney's refusal to appear on Nickelodeon's long-running "Kids Pick the President" special; his demand to see Latina cartoon superstar Dora the Explorer's papers — and the subsequent illegal search of her backpack on suspicion of possession–were blown way out of proportion. Como se dice self-deportation en Español?

9. Romney's threat to "end" the PBS family, "fire" Big Bird (the don of Sesame Street) and turn out one-time Log Cabin Republicans and domestic partners Bert and Ernie was read as disrespect, when it was just a Mitts-understanding. (He's lucky he's still got legs.)