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here’s a huge surprise: it turns out that Mad King Donny’s merry band of fascists are a bunch of incompetent fuckwits who can’t even do a police state right.

Donny is, of course, an impulsive imbecile who acts first and thinks never. his underlings have all been selected for loyalty over brains. so it’s only natural that a lot of fuckery they’ve been trying to perpetrate — the military occupations of cities, the mass arrests — has been badly planned and poorly executed. and now, much of it is starting to blow up in their big dumb faces.

let’s all point and laugh at a few of their recent fuckups.

topmost: it turns out that Assault With a Deadly Sandwich isn’t really a thing.

Sean Dunn is the dude who got into a shouting match with one of Donny’s uniformed goons in DC. the whole scene culminated with Dunn hurling a sandwich at the goon and running away. the very next day, he was all ‘how about I turn myself in,’ and America’s Tipsiest Fake TV Judge — who is now inexplicably the US Attorney for DC — was all ‘nah, how about we send dozens of storm troopers to your apartment and roughly drag you away in handcuffs, while TV cameras record it all.’

because, as always, it’s all about pageantry. it’s all about creating a show.

the next thing DC’s Tipsiest US Attorney did was to slap Dunn with a felony charge and vow to make him break rocks in Sing Sing for the next gazillionty or so years. and then, to cap it off, she tarted herself up in Holstein cow cosplay and tweeted out a self-congratulatory video — because what’s even the point of doing a fascism if you can’t crow about it on Elon’s Nazi Bar?

“Assault a law enforcement officer, and you’ll be prosecuted. This guy thought it was funny—well, he doesn’t think it’s funny today, because we charged him with a felony.”

yeah, well guess what: it just got funny again.

Federal prosecutors on Tuesday were unable to persuade a grand jury to approve a felony indictment against a man who threw a sandwich at a federal agent on the streets of Washington this month, according to two people familiar with the matter.

too bad, so sad, Jeanine. enjoy some tiny violin.

et’s be real: throwing anything at a cop is literally asking to learn what being handcuffed feels like. but if what you hurled is soggy bread and cold cuts, it ain’t a felony — no matter how much Little Donny Fascistpants and Jeanine Boxwine want it to be.

here’s the thing, though: do you know how badly you have to screw up in order to have a grand jury be all ‘fuck off outta here, we ain’t indicting’?

the answer is very badly. a US attorney failing to secure an indictment is almost unheard of.

It is extremely unusual for prosecutors to come out of a grand jury without obtaining an indictment because they are in control of the information that grand jurors hear about a case and defendants are not allowed to have their lawyers in the room as evidence is presented.

US Attorney Boxwine did her whole dog-and-pony show in front of the grand jury, laid out all her evidence of how evil mastermind Sean Dunn crime-spreed his way through the streets of DC — and in the end, the grand jury was all ‘it was a fucking sandwich, Jeanine. get real.’

but that’s what happens when you hire henchmen based on how much they flatter you on Fox News. you end up with a dunk-tank clown who butt-dials classified war plans to a reporter. you end up with a reality show wash-out who can’t figure out why planes keep falling out of the sky. and you end up with a DC Attorney who literally can’t indict a ham sandwich.

(yes, I know. everyone’s making that joke today. sorry, I couldn’t help myself.)

the Dunn embarrassment wasn’t even the first time this week that DC’s Tipsiest US Attorney failed to secure an indictment.

On Monday, for instance, prosecutors refiled a felony assault charge as a misdemeanor in the case of a woman who was accused of injuring an F.B.I. agent during a protest last month against immigration officials at the local jail in Washington.

The charges were reduced against the woman, Sidney Lori Reid, after prosecutors failed not just once but three times to obtain an indictment in the case.

three times. three separate grand juries told Jeanine to take a hike — because it was a shitty case based on flimsy evidence. this is what happens when you order your to thugs arrest first and ask questions never.

speaking of arrest-happy thugs, it turns out a bunch of ICE goons in Los Angeles got caught lying about the protesters they rounded up, and those cases got laughed out of court, too.

The officers’ testimony was cited in at least five cases filed by the US Department of Justice amid the unrest. The justice department has charged at least 26 people with “assaulting” and “impeding” federal officers and other crimes during the protests over immigration raids. Prosecutors, however, have since been forced to dismiss at least eight of those felonies, many of them which relied on officers’ inaccurate reports, court records show.

this is what happens when you lie about an imaginary crime wave, and then make as many bogus arrests as you can in order to ‘prove’ your point.

this is what happens when your marching orders are to round up everyone.

Judges are also losing patience with Donny’s own fascist tendencies. tell me, is at a bad thing when a judge who you personally appointed shitcans your lawsuit and calls it a ‘constitutional free-for-all’?

A federal judge on Tuesday threw out an aggressive, unusual lawsuit the Trump administration brought earlier this year against all 15 federal judges in Maryland, rejecting a bid by the Justice Department to limit court power in fast-moving immigration cases.

The opinion on Tuesday framed the lawsuit as a major constitutional standoff, with Judge Thomas Cullen writing the Justice Department couldn’t pursue a “constitutional free-for-all.”

a farcical lawsuit in which 15 judges are sued at once is classic Donny. he treats America’s legal system the same way his dead pedo bestie used to treat the ‘spa girls’ at Motel-a-Lago — as a thing to be abused for his pleasure, and then discarded.

was the judge happy about having his time wasted? no sir, he was most certainly not.

“Although some tension between the coordinate branches of government is a hallmark of our constitutional system, this concerted effort by the Executive to smear and impugn individual judges who rule against it is both unprecedented and unfortunate,” he added.

this is polite judge-speak for what are you trying to pull, you fascist dildo?

and, lastly, here’s a huge ball of what in the actual fuck.

this is a photo of National Guard troops spreading mulch around the Tidal Basin in Washington DC.

and here’s a pic of Guard troops hauling trash in a DC park.

but wait a minute, I hear you asking. I thought there was supposed to be a massive crime wave in DC. why aren’t these troops, y’know, chasing down bad guys?

yeah, well guess fucking what.

it turns out that when you send over two thousand troops to fight crime in a city where they’re no actual crime wave, you have to come up with something for them to do.

More than 2,200 troops, some from as far away as Mississippi and Louisiana, have been deployed in D.C. since Trump’s declaration of a “crime emergency” here. Ostensibly, they were mobilized to support federal law enforcement and local police, but in recent days those orders have expanded to encompass “beautification” tasks such as trash removal and groundskeeping around the National Mall and other federal property. Service members may work on removing graffiti, too.

what an excellent use of our military. what a cost-effective use of time and resources. it’s good to know that when the next hurricane devastates Louisiana, the residents there will be on their own — because the Guard troops who would normally be doing disaster relief work will be busy ‘beautifying’ the National Mall.

once again, this is what happens when you act first and think never.

it’s all so fucking stupid.

let’s not kid ourselves — Donny and his brigade of authoritarian fuckstains are indeed doing real harm to our nation, and to our democracy. but our one saving grace in all this might be the fact that they’re all incompetent imbeciles can’t who even do a simple fascism without fucking it up.

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