Author: Mark Alexander

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Going to the Chapel

As Ben and I prepare to celebrate our Fifth Anniversary this weekend, we have made a momentous decision. In light of the Feds revising the tax law to allow same sex couples who wed in states where SSM is legal to claim married filing status even if they now reside in states that do not recognize their marriage…we have decided to tie the knot.

We’re not making a big deal out of it—at least not right now. We’re just driving down to Santa Fe next week (ironically to attend the wedding of one of Ben’s cousins) and will be standing before a Justice of the Peace on Friday.

We both know that certificate won’t mean a thing upon crossing back into Colorado, but we’re both confident that it will only be a matter of time until full equality comes to the state. In the meantime we may register as domestic partners here.

We’ll be having some sort of probably-doctor-who-themed ceremony sometime next year in Phoenix so all our friends can attend.

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I’m Not in the Market for a New Phone…

…but like all good fanboys, I followed along with the live blogs of Apple’s iPhone keynote this morning. I’m starting to fear that the era of “surprise and delight” along with the hallmark “one more thing” at the end of these presentations died with Jobs.

Apple’s control of their secrets is laughable and everything is leaked so far in advance these days, there are no surprises any more. Two models of iPhone, one with colorful polycarbonate cases? Check. Fingerprint scanner on the 5s? Check. Better, faster, system-on-a-chip? Check. Default wallpaper matches color of phone? Check.

As I watched the product videos on the Apple website afterward, it seemed that not even Jony Ivy, Apple’s chief product designer, was swallowing the bullshit.

Don’t get me wrong. I still love the stuff Apple puts out and will continue to purchase it as needs arise, but they seem to be mired in their own past success and believing so much of their own hype that they’re afraid to truly think outside of the box any longer. This is sad.

Nothing I saw today made me want to run out and spend money. Nothing. I think that’s a first for me and Apple.

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Wayback Machine

Plus ça change, plus c’est la même chose…

Why?

June 26, 2008

One question that’s gripped me in regards to the current situation in this country is a simple, “Why?”

Why are the Republicans and their supporters so hell bent on destroying the planet? Why are they hell bent on everlasting war in the Middle East? Why are they so obsessed with what everyone else does in their bedrooms, when their own desires are so often revealed to be festering cesspools of hypocrisy?

Why is McCain such a fucktard? I mean, seriously. Eight years ago he was someone who—while I did not like—I at least had a modicum of respect for. But now? The man can’t even present a consistent message from hour to hour, much less day to day. This is the best the Republicans can come up with? And for the love of all that is holy, why is this man following George Bush’s playbook when the smirking chimp is riding on a 23% approval rating that’s falling by the hour?

Why is the Republican Wingnut Brigade so vehemently attacking Barack Obama, a man who by all rights has done nothing but rekindled hope in this country, something that has been absent from our collective consciousness for nearly a decade? (Nevermind. I guess I answered my own question there.)

Why are so-called Christian leaders in this country acting in ways completely opposite the teachings of their savior, and why haven’t the true followers of those teachings risen up and denounced these screeching harpies for what they are? Why has “Thou shalt love thy neighbor as thyself,” turned into “Hate everyone who doesn’t agree with you?”

The question of what causes men to do evil has perplexed philosophers for thousands of years, so I seriously doubt I’ll ever have any rational answer to any of these questions, or even an answer to what can be done to enlighten these poor souls who seem so wrapped up in their own darkness and destruction.

When I started upon my spiritual path nearly 30 years ago, one of my very first teachers told me, “Evil has no power over you. It is impotent. In order for it to flourish you must first give it permission.” It’s a lesson that’s stuck with me and has been perfectly illustrated during the last eight years as the people of this country have blithely handed the proverbial keys to the kingdom over to the forces of darkness.

Now the question is, how do we get those keys back?

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Wayback Machine

Dear George Lucas…

May 25, 2008

Please, for the love of all that is holy, let your successful twenty-five year old franchises die.

Yes, I’m talking about the abomination that is Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull.

After taking me out for an early birthday dinner at TexAZ, Marc and I saw that mess tonight, and afterward we both left the theater shaking our heads in disbelief.

It was bad enough when you went back and “improved,” tinkered with and fucked up the original STAR WARS. But then you gave us those three illegitimate bastards—the prequels—overloaded with bombastic special effects, plagued by poor writing and even poorer casting, you finally crossed the line. I mean seriously…Hayden Christensen? Midi-chlorians? What were you thinking?

And now you resurrect Indiana Jones—like something Mr. Jones himself would dig up in an ancient Mayan temple. Please, Mr. Lucas…let us live with our memories unmolested!

It was a much different world when you loosed Indy upon an unsuspecting public those many years ago. But in the intervening decades, the world has changed—dramatically, and the things that seemed so fresh and unique in 1981 have in 2008 already been rehashed and reinterpreted a dozen times over.

The car chase between our heroes and the Russians? Uh…excuse me, but you did almost that exact same thing with speeder bikes in Return of the Jedi. (Maybe it slipped your mind.) It was exciting then. Tonight I was looking at my watch. And what was up with the monkeys-as-Ewoks thing? Are you planning on marketing plush Indiana Jones© marmosets in time for Christmas?

Ancient space aliens and buried UFOs? Been there, done that. The X-Files movie, anyone?

Villains arriving with the sound of a revolver being cocked seconds after our protagonists finally find what they’re looking for? That dramatic effect is so far past it’s sell-by date that the carton is about to explode on the shelf.

Maybe I’m confused, but I thought the city of El Dorado was buried under Mount Rushmore. Oh wait, that was National Treasure: Book of Secrets. (At least Harrison Ford still has all his own hair—or at least a much better hairpiece than Nicholas Cage.)

And speaking of Harrison, exactly how much petroleum jelly did your camera man have to smear over the lens for those tight shots on Mr. Ford? I was reminded of Lucille Ball in Mame and that tended to distract my attention from what was happening on screen. Seriously.

One last question: was the wedding scene at the end of the film really necessary? You could’ve easily left our merry little group sitting on that mountain top and everything would have been well in the world. But nooo! Can’t you leave the continued story of the life and times of Indiana Jones up to the imaginations of your audience?

And lastly, don’t even think about continuing the story with a fresh face. When Mutt (Shia LeBeouf) was about to pick up Jones’ fedora at the end of the movie, the entire audience groaned. Thank the gods Indy snatched it away as he walked out.

Mr. Lucas, you’ve had a good life and have entertained billions of people. But it’s now time to step away from the movie business and enjoy a much-deserved retirement. PLEASE.

Sincerely,

Alexander the Moviegoer
Phoenix, AZ

P.S. Cate Blanchett really needs to work on that Russian accent. It faded in and out more than a bad cell phone signal.

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New Theme

As those of you who come here directly (vs. using a RSS reader) may have noticed, I’ve changed the visual theme that the blog uses. It has only recently come to my attention that you can no longer comment directly from the main pages, but instead have to open the individual posts. Sorry for the confusion. You’re still welcome to leave your thoughts…you just have to go through an extra click to do it.

An extra click? OMG, I know, right?

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If Only…

Just once, I’d like to open up my RSS reader and see this for realz. Imagine a day without anything stupid going on in the world; no war updates, no stupid religious bigotry, no rumors of Apple’s NEXT. BIG. THING., no pr0n resembling gymnastic competitions…

What an awesome day that would be!

I guess there’s always the option of just not opening the reader…

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Still Funny After All These Years

Another gem from my archive at the Wayback Machine:

The Pope and George Bush are on the same stage in front of a huge crowd.

The President and His Holiness, however, have seen it all before, so to make it a little more interesting, the President says to the Pope, “Did you know that with just one little wave of my hand I can make every Republican in the crowd go wild?”

The Pope doubts it, so Bush shows him. Sure enough, the wave elicits rapture and cheering from every Republican in the crowd. Gradually, the cheering subsides.

The Pope, not wanting to be outdone by such a level of arrogance, considers what he could do. “That was impressive. But did you know that with just one little wave of MY hand I can make EVERY person in the crowd go crazy with joy? This joy will not be a momentary display like that of your subjects, but will go deep into their hearts, and they will forever speak of this day and rejoice.”

The President seriously doubts this, and says so. “One little wave of your hand and all people will rejoice forever? Show me.”

So the Pope slapped the shit out of him.

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