Category: Because It’s True

spare some thoughts and prayers for MAGA, they’re going through some things right now.

it turns out that Dear Leader and his minions are lying to them. or maybe Dear Leader and his minions had been lying to them in the past, but are now telling the truth. or maybe they were lying back then and are still lying now. or maybe— fuck it, my head hurts. let’s just dive head-first into this mess.

here’s a thing that we definitely all heard Pam Bondi say last February.

Fox: “the DOJ may be releasing the list of Jeffrey Epstein’s clients? will that really happen?”
Pam Bondi: “it’s sitting on my desk right now to review. that’s been a directive by President Trump. I’m reviewing that.”

“it’s sitting on my desk right now.” keep that line in your mind as you read on.

now, here’s a super-cool thing that President Donny once said about Jeffrey Epstein.

“I’ve known Jeff [Epstein] for 15 years. Terrific guy. He’s a lot of fun to be with. It is even said that he likes beautiful women as much as I do, and many of them are on the younger side.”

Jeffrey Epstein is, of course, the fuckface pedophile rapist who liked to host parties for his fuckface pedophile rapist friends, during which under-aged girls were — you guessed it — raped. Epstein would fly his fuckface pedophile rapist friends around in a private jet that was nicknamed the Lolita Express, because of course it was. everyone involved in this story fucking sucks.

Epstein got arrested in 2019 for being a fuckface pedophile rapist, and then, while in jail awaiting trial, either epsteined himself, or got epsteined by a person or persons unknown. we’ll never know exactly what happened, because the video camera that was trained on Epstein’s cell twenty-four hours a day magically stopped running for a minute, and when it started back up again, Epstein was on the wrong side of dead.

by the way, after Epstein got arrested, Donny changed his story. Epstein was no longer his great friend. the new fairy tale was that Donny barely knew the guy, and never liked him, and they hardly ever hung out — which is weird, because there are more photos of Donny and Epstein together than there are of Donny with his own son Barron.

look at these two homeys who barely know each other. they sure act like complete strangers, don’t they?

anyhoo, it has long been rumored that Epstein kept a ‘client list’ of all the fuckface pedophile rapist friends who partied with him. that’s the list that Pam Bondi insisted was ‘on her desk’ last February.

one of Donny’s campaign promises was that he was going to release that list. that promise was red meat for the cultists, because supposedly the list was being suppressed by all the Democrats who were on it, and Donny was at long last going to expose them all.

it’s here that I must state that if there actually is a ‘client list,’ everyone on it — Democrat or Republican — should be prosecuted to the fullest extent of the law.

in March — a month after Pam Bondi assured us that the Epstein client list was ‘on her desk’ — a bunch of MAGA influencers were invited to the White House and were all given binders that were labeled “The Epstein Files, Part 1.”

it was a complete dog-and-pony show. there was nothing new in the binders, just a rehash of material that had already been made public. but don’t worry, the White House told the influencers, Part 2 is going to have all the good stuff in it. you’re going to finally see that client list that’s been on Pam Bondi’s desk.

all of this winding-up of the cultists is super fucking weird, considering that two days ago, the DOJ completely changed their tune and announced that there never was a client list, and Jeffrey Epstein epsteined himself.

and now, every cultist is all what the fucking fuck?

in fact, all of us are asking what the fucking fuck? because we all heard Pam Bondi say that the client list was ‘on her desk,’ and that she had a directive from Donny to ‘review it.’

even Fox News lapdog Peter Doocy wants to know what the fucking fuck?

Doocy: “so what happened to the Epstein client list that the attorney general said she had on her desk?”
Leavitt: “I think if you go back and look at what the attorney general said—”
Doocy: “I’ve got the quote. she said, ‘it’s sitting on my desk right now to review.’”

pro tip: if Peter Doocy is using you as a chew toy, you just might be shit at your job.

so, who told the DOJ to change its story, after months of stringing the cultists on? was it someone whose name rhymes with Ronald Blump?

did Ronald Blump suddenly remember that his name is on the list, and maybe it wasn’t a good idea to release it? we’ll never know. all we can do is speculate.

I’m not a conspiracy guy, but I do know when I’m being fed bullshit.

one thing is for certain — Ronald Blump sure seems interested in changing the subject.

reporter: “could you say why there’s a minute missing from the jailhouse tape?”
Pam Bondi: “sure. if I—”
Donny, cutting her off: “could I just interrupt for one second? are you still talking about Jeffrey Epstein? this guy’s been talked about for years. you’re asking— we have Texas, we have this, we have all of the things— and, are people still talking about this guy?”

yes, Donny. people are still talking about ‘this guy’ — because as usual, none of your lies add up.

in the absence of facts, one thing we can do is mock all the dipshit cultists who just realized they got played.

Pizzagate Jack wants to know why, if there was no client list, Ghislaine Maxwell is still in jail.

so does Madge Three-Toes.

stop it, you two. you’re breaking our hearts.

then there’s the ‘why is the deep state doing this to Donny’ contingent, led by Fox News found object Jesse Watters.

it would break Jesse’s brain to admit that Dear Leader has any culpability in the disappearing of the list, so he has to pretend that the DEEP STATE is in the room with us right now.

wait, it gets better: roasted ball-sack aficionado Tucker Swanson McNear Carlson knows the real reason the Deep State destroyed the list.

According to Carlson, the government was actually hiding Epstein’s black book because it would reveal his involvement with American and Israeli spy agencies.

so move over, Deep State, because American and Israeli spy agencies are also in the room with us right now. it’s getting fucking crowded in here.

oh no, Donny — you’ve lost Roseanne Barr.

she’s this close to getting it.

oh gee, did Roger Stone just out himself as being on the client list?

Roger, why so upset? no one mentioned your name — except you.

also, you’ve got to love all the cultists asking “Pam Bondi, who are you protecting?”

you dumb fucknuts, who do you think Pam Bondi is protecting? she only works for one person, you know.

or does she?

now get ready for the Crowning Moment of Dumb-ass.

so, for those of you keeping score at home, it’s the Deep State, American and Israeli spy agencies, QAnon, Pam Bondi, the media, and a five-dimensional chess board who are all in the room with us right now.

I gotta step out for a moment. I need some fresh air.

the one person in all this who has been unafraid to point his finger at Donny is, of course, the Space Nazi.

but Elon has his own problems right now.

it seems that in his quest to get his own AI, Grok, to stop being so goddamned woke all the time, he over-corrected — and yesterday, Grok spent the entire afternoon tweeting out pro-Hitler messages.

Grok even started calling itself “MechaHitler.”

gosh, it’s hard to believe that the guy who sieg-heiled to commemorate Donny’s inauguration would turn his AI into a pro-Hitler chatbot.

how did we Nazi this coming?