Category: Because It’s True

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Midweek Tiedrich

the British people — they’re so polite. so thoughtful. so caring and compassionate. amazing hosts.

Little Donny Fuckface is in England right now, spending the next two days at Windsor Castle — and the locals have spared no effort to make America’s Mad King feel not just welcomed, but loved.

the Brits know that Donny gets homesick every time he leaves his native land, so they’re making sure that no matter where Donny goes during his visit, he’ll always be reminded of his dead pedo bestie.

Ahead of the U.S. president’s arrival in London on Tuesday, Sept. 16, a British activist group unfurled a massive banner featuring an image of Trump with Jeffrey Epstein on the path leading to Windsor Castle, where the president and first lady Melania Trump will spend a significant portion of their visit.

isn’t that sweet? the British people wanted nothing more than for Donny to be able to look out the windows of Windsor Castle and go ‘there he is. we shared so many wonderful secrets together.’

as advertised, the fucking thing is ginormous.

and — oh look! — the activist group Led By Donkeys is projecting a ‘Donny and his dead pedo bestie’s greatest hits’ slide show onto the side of the Castle.

I sure hope Donny thanks them for their attention to this matter.

we definitely need to gif that shit, for posterity’s sake.

someone even put Epstein merch on display in the Windsor Castle gift shop.

thank you, England, for going the extra mile (kilometer?) and Making Dead Pedo Besties Great Again.

now, let’s go live inside Windsor Castle and get Melania’s reaction to all this Epsteinstalgia.

I hope getting to relive a few of his most treasured moments calmed Donny down a bit, because he sure was touchy while he was on his way to Fuckface Force One.

reporter: “should a president in office be engaged in so much business activity?”

Donny: “I’m really not. my kids are running the business. you know what the activity— where are you from?”

reporter: “I’m from the Australian Broadcasting Corporation.”

Donny: “you’re hurting Australia right— in my opinion, you are hurting Australia very much right now. and they want to get along with me. you know, your— your leader is coming over to see me very soon. I’m going to tell them about you. you set a very bad tone. quiet.”

oh, boo fucking hoo. listen to this whiny, petulant child. ‘in my opinion, you are hurting Australia very much right now.’

yeah, we’ll, that’s just, like, your opinion, man.

I’m sorry, but are we on the front lawn of the White House, or are we on a kindergarten playground? it’s really hard to tell, with President Diaperload bellyaching like a toddler who got his fee-fees hurt. ‘you said a bad thing. I’m going to tell on you, and then you’ll be sorry.’ how fucking mature.

you do that, Donny. I’m sure that Prime Minister Anthony Albanese gives a shit that one of ‘his’ reporters was very, very mean to you. let’s go live to Australia, right now, for the PM’s reaction.

oh wait, President Sorehead isn’t finished braying like a jackass.

reporter: “what do you think of Pam Bondi saying she’s going to go after hate speech? a lot of your allies say hate speech is free speech.”

Donny: “she’ll probably go after people like you, because you treat me so unfairly, it’s hate. you have a lot of hate in your heart. maybe they’ll come after ABC.”

welcome to the new normal, where both Dear Leader and Pam Bondi labor under the mistaken impression that being mean to conservatives is somehow against the law.

spoiler alert: no she fucking can’t.

who knows, maybe Pam Bondi and Jeanine Pirro are having a contest to see who can produce the most failed prosecutions — because no grand jury in the universe is going to approve an indictment against some dude who wouldn’t print a poster.

in fact, let’s go live right now, to one of those grand jurors, for his reaction.

Bondi and Donny are so high on their own supply right now — and that reporter Donny threatened is right. conservatives are not happy with Bondi.

Matt Walsh’s head is about to explode right now.

okay, all the dumbfuckery about ‘left wing terror cells’ is batshit insane, and very par for Matt’s course — but that first bit, about firing Pam Bondi for her prosecutorial overreach? man, it’s heartbreaking.

Donny hasn’t blown any Venezuelan fishing boats out of the water today (as far as we know), which is def a good thing — because even Republicans are starting to go dude, what the fuck?

The Trump administration is facing growing calls from former government officials — including some in Republican administrations — to offer a legal justification for President Donald Trump’s two missile strikes this month on boats allegedly piloted by members of a Venezuelan drug cartel.

Those experts say the use of such force outside of war blurs the legal distinction between law enforcement and military actions and comes amid calls on Capitol Hill to curtail Trump’s military powers.

here’s the beauty part. check out who gets quoted in this article.

“There has to be a line between crime and war,” said John Yoo, a former deputy assistant attorney general under President George W. Bush. “We can’t just consider anything that harms the country to be a matter for the military. Because that could potentially include every crime.”

John Fucking Yoo. there’s name you probably haven’t heard in years.

in case you don’t remember John Yoo, he was the author of the famous ‘torture memo’ that provided George W. Bush with a “legal” justification for all the evil shit that went on in places like Abu Ghraib and Gitmo.

yeah, that guy. Mister Human Rights.

you know you’ve royally fucked up when the bro who told Bush that it was totes okay to repeatedly waterboard the shit out of innocent Afghani goat herders says that lobbing missiles at fishermen is a bridge too far.

oh my god, could the worst fucking people in the world please stop breaking my heart?

 

this is going to be my closing message for the foreseeable future:

practice self-care. do what you need to do to keep sane. if that means you need to disengage with my daily posts for a while, I get it. this community of ours will still be here when you return.

to all the people who have signed on in the days since the election, welcome aboard. settle in as we all try to deal with the shitfuckery that’s ahead of us.

we are all in this together, and we are all here for each other.

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Sometimes I really think 2019 was the last normal year of our lives and ever since, it feels like we’ve slipped into some alternate reality where nothing makes sense, everyone is on edge, time moves too fast yet too slow, and the world we knew just doesn’t exist anymore.

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Monday Madness From Jeff Tiedrich

even though signs point to the shitbag who killed Charlie Kirk being a far-right ‘groyper’ with a rifle and a grudge, Republicans fanned out on the Sunday shows yesterday with the singular message of ‘Democrats, this is all your fault, because reasons.’

let us document the atrocities.

let’s start with the limpest dick in American politics, House Speaker Holy Mike Johnson. Holy Mike’s complaint is why do Democrats alla time have to be so mean?

“people have got to stop framing simple policy disagreements in terms of existential threats to our democracy. you can’t call the other side fascists and enemies of the state and not understand that there are some deranged people in our society who will take that as cues to act.”

the fucking nerve of this guy. Holy Mike is pissing on all of our heads right now, and going ‘mmm, doesn’t that refreshing rain feel great?’

tell us, Mike, what are these ‘simple policy disagreements’ that ‘our side’ is blowing all out of shape? is it ‘should the US military invade a state,’ is that a simple disagreement? how about ‘should states redraw their maps in order to rig elections’? oh, here’s one: ‘should a president get to declare that he “has the right to do anything he wants”’?

maybe it’s just me, but all those things sound absolutely like ‘existential threats to our democracy.’

spoiler alert: yes, these are indeed literal existential threats to democracy. Donny Convict believes he should have all the power, and should be above the law at all times. he wants to remain in office indefinitely. all of this is fundamentally anti-American. our founders would shit their breeches if they could see what has become of their ‘grand experiment.’

Holy Mike wants to downplay all that. c’mon, he says, it’s just two sides bickering. what’s with all the rhetoric?

hey, Mike — is this your guy?

help me here, is ‘should Liz Cheney face a firing squad’ a ‘simple policy disagreement’?

now Mike, what was that were you saying about how it’s unacceptable to call someone a fascist? I’m asking because ABC News has put together a supercut of the numerous times that Donny Convict has done exactly that.

in one of those clips, Donny calls Kamala Harris a “marxist communist fascist socialist.”

how does that even work? what are the tenets of marxocommunofascosocialism? I’d really love to know.

oh, you don’t want to be called ‘Nazi’? it hurts your fee-fees? then stop pulling shit like this:

let’s move on Donny’s personal lapdog, Lindsey Graham.

Old Linz is very sad right now, because things just aren’t like they used to be, back in them there good old days.

 

“this is viewed by many people in the MAGA movement, conservatives like myself, as an attack on the movement, and not just traditional political violence, and I really believe that.”

wait wait wait wait wait wait JUST ONE FUCKING MINUTE HERE.

‘traditional political violence,’ what’s that? is there some Grand Old Tradition of Acceptable Political Violence, some halcyon time that Old Linz here would like to return to?

might it be the good old days when you’d use a flagpole to beat the shit out of a cop because you were mad about losing an election?

how about when neo-Nazis marched in Charlottesville, and chanted ‘Jews will not replace us’? Dear Leader literally called these shitheads ‘very fine people.’

was this ‘traditional political violence’? or was it a ‘simple policy disagreement’ over ‘should Jews replace us, or what?’

politics can be so confusing!

here’s a fun chart, created by Alex Nowrasteh of the right-wing Cato Institute. blue is left-wing political violence, and red is right-wing political violence, categorized by each decade from 1975 to now.

I’m seeing a lot more red than blue.

(Alex explains his methodology in a long substack post here.)

I’d love for Lindsey Graham to tell us which decade had the most traditionalpolitical violence. I’m guessing it’s 1995–2004.

here are a lot of things that have never happened to Crown Prince of the Library Paste Eaters, Eric Trump — but I’m going to go out on a limb here and assert that the story we’re about to hear is the thing that has never happened to Eric Trump the most.

“as I was showing up to the studio, there was an older Jamaican man who came up to me in very broken English and said, ‘Mr Trump, I’m very sorry about Charlie Kirk. he was an amazing Christian. I am Charlie Kirk.’”

isn’t that cute? Eric is trying to tell a ‘sir’ story — and he’s so fucking bad at it.

so, this ‘older Jamaican man,’ his massive biceps rippling in the morning sun, tears of gratitude streaming down his age-lined face, came up to Eric Trump and spoke ‘very broken English’?

why would his English be broken? English is the official language of Jamaica.

come on, you know that if some Jamaican dude wandered up to Eric, the first thing Eric would do would be to shout ‘get away from me, I don’t have any money’ — and then tell his Secret Service detail to ‘get this guy outta here.’

lastly, let’s check in with the fuckwit who knows more about numbers than all the number-counter-thingy people.

reporter: “the president of Venezuela called the strike on the boat illegal. are you concerned that Maduro might escalate something?”

Donny: “what’s illegal are the drugs that were on the boat, and the drugs that are being sent into our country, and the fact that 300 million people died last year from drugs.”

dear lord. can somebody please get Donny a pudding cup and help him to bed? he’s sundowning again.

I have a question for President Math Whiz, and it goes like this: if the United States has a total population of 340 million people, and 300 million of them die from illegal drugs, leaving 40 million people, and then the price of prescription drugs is lowered by 1,500%, what is the airspeed of an unladen swallow?

this is probably a good place to note that my What The Fuck Is Wrong With You Challenge™ is now in its 1,994th day.

despite their high-minded tut-tut harrumph-harrumph rhetoric, none of these Republican shitweasels actually wants healing, or an end to divisiveness. keeping us all at each other’s throats works in their favor. do you know what’s written on page one of the Oligarchs’ Playbook?

‘keep the people ignorant and fighting each other, and they won’t notice the plutocrats picking their pockets.’

but there is one thing that whole country can in fact unite over: release the full Epstein Files, you fucking fucks.

it’s what Charlie Kirk would have wanted.

this is going to be my closing message for the foreseeable future:

practice self-care. do what you need to do to keep sane. if that means you need to disengage with my daily posts for a while, I get it. this community of ours will still be here when you return.

to all the people who have signed on in the days since the election, welcome aboard. settle in as we all try to deal with the shitfuckery that’s ahead of us.

we are all in this together, and we are all here for each other.

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Tiedrich Monday

hey folks — here’s a short one for Labor Day. I’ll be back tomorrow with the usual full-length documentation of all the atrocities.

let’s listen as America’s self-appointed puppy perforator drags reality out back to the gravel pit and puts one right between its eyes.

Noem: “but we will continue to go after the worst of the worst across the country like President Trump has told us to do. we’re focusing on those that are perpetuating murder and rape and trafficking of drugs and humans across our country. every single citizen deserves to be safe.”

Ed O’Keefe: “part of what distinguished the Los Angeles operations, however, is that National Guard Troops were there, in essence, protecting or backing up those federal agents as they were conducting operations. is that what we should expect to see in Chicago?”

Noem: “I do know that LA wouldn’t be standing if today if President Trump hadn’t taken action.”

oh, please, Kristi — fuck off. fact check:

thank you, Governor.

Everything Is Broken And Only Dear Leader Can Fix It™ is a fever-swamp fairy tale straight out of the authoritarian’s playbook — and it’s just lies piled on top of lies.

ICE thugs hiding in the back of a rented van in a Home Depot parking lot and ambushing any random brown person who happens to wander by isn’t ‘going after the worst of the worst’ — it’s just straight-up racism, that’s all it is.

nannies, farm workers, cleaning ladies, firefighters and food truck operators don’t have side gigs doing murders and rapes, no matter how much ICE Barbie insists they do. and what’s all this horse shit about ‘LA wouldn’t be standing if today if President Trump hadn’t taken action’ by sending in the Guard?

let’s saunter down memory lane, and review just what went on with the National Guard in Los Angeles — because the firehose of fuckery from these shitweasels is so unrelenting that it’s easy to forget what happened only three months ago.

one sunny morning in early June,

Donny’s ICE thugs strolled into downtown Los Angeles, looking to fuck shit up.

On Friday morning, federal agents from ICE, the Department of Homeland Security, the Federal Bureau of Investigation, and the Drug Enforcement Administration conducted raids across Los Angeles, including at two Home Depots, a doughnut shop, and a clothing wholesaler, in search of workers they suspected of being undocumented immigrants.

protesters then confronted ICE — and it cannot be over-stressed that the protests were confined to a microscopic section of LA (circled in red below):

most Los Angeles residents had no idea that the protests were even happening, but America’s Mad King, as is his fucked-up wont, completely lost his shit, and overreacted. he told the country that the entire city was on fire, and Only Dear Leader Can Fix It.™ he sent two thousand National Guard troops to put down this imaginary insurrection — a thing he did without any forethought or planning, resulting in the Guard having to sleep on a warehouse floor.

most Los Angeles residents had no idea that the protests were even happening, but America’s Mad King, as is his fucked-up wont, completely lost his shit, and overreacted. he told the country that the entire city was on fire, and Only Dear Leader Can Fix It.™ he sent two thousand National Guard troops to put down this imaginary insurrection — a thing he did without any forethought or planning, resulting in the Guard having to sleep on a warehouse floor.

none of it was necessary. it was just performative fascism.

and now we’re seeing this Only Dear Leader Can Fix It™ clownfuckery being repeated in Washington DC, where Guard troops who were sent to deal with another imaginary crime wave are now raking leaves and hauling garbage.

in a few weeks, these Guard, too, will be sent home, after having their time, training — and taxpayer money — completely wasted.

as with Los Angeles, none of this is necessary. it’s just pure, performative police state fascism.

now, we’re about to see this pomp and stupidity play out a third time, in Chicago — because once again, Only Dear Leader Can Fix It™.

which brings us to one of our heroes in all this, Illinois Governor JB Pritzker.

“no one in the administration — the president, or anybody under him — has called anyone in my administration, or me, and have not called the city of Chicago, or anyone else. so it’s clear that in secret, they’re planning this— well, it’s an invasion, with US troops, if they in fact do that. they other thing is, they ought to be coordinating with local law enforcement. they ought to let us know when they’re coming, where they’re coming, if it’s ICE, or it it’s ATF, whoever it is. but they don’t want to do that, either. and I must say, it’s disruptive, it’s dangerous, it tends to inflame passions on the ground, when they don’t let us know what their plans are, when we can’t coordinate with them.”

this, my friends, is the difference between representative government and fascism for fascism’s sake.

if Donny and his merry band of shithole goons were actually interested in mitigating all this supposed crime happening in Chicago, they’d be coordinating the fuck out of the whole operation. right now, there would be a hundred conference calls a day happening between Chicago and DC. ‘ok, let’s figure out where the crime is, and where to best deploy.’ every last detail would be worked out in advance.

but none of that shit is going on, because the Mad King could give a fuck about actually fighting crime. what he wants is a fascistic display of force. what he wants is dominance — because deep down inside, Donny is an emotionally-scarred little boy who never got over being told what a weak piece of shit he was by his tyrant Klansman father, and now he’s going to make the entire world suffer as a result.

it’s all so fucked up. this is what happens when you let the most broken-inside person ever to walk the face of the earth hold the reins of power.

Only Dear Leader Can Fix It™? yeah, right.

now let’s circle back to Little Ms Hair Extensions — because I’m so old, I remember when the woman who is now so hot for the National Guard to invade every state was actually against federalizing the Guard.

“If Joe Biden federalizes the National Guard, that would be a direct attack on states’ rights.”

oh, I see. federalizing the Guard is bad when Joe Biden does it, but good when Dear Leader does it.

let me guess why Kristi feels this way: because reasons. did I guess right? what do I win?

now here’s a spoiler alert: Joe Biden never federalized the National Guard. he never even threatened to. what he did want was for Texas’ sadistic governor, Greg Abbott, to remove the razor-wire booby traps he’d put in the Rio Grande.

Biden had a legit beef: what kind of fucked-up monster gleefully endangers lives? make no mistake — people actual died in those booby traps.

every Republican completely lost their shit over Joe’s objection to the human rights abuses going on at the border, and accused him of wanting to do the very thing that Dear Leader is actually doing right now — in ICE Barbie’s own words, a direct attack on states’ rights.

fucking hypocrites, every last one of them.

oh, and here’s the best reply to Noem’s tweet.

well, it’s 1,418 words and three hours since I sat down at the laptop and wrote ‘hey folks — here’s a short one for Labor Day.’

I really did try to crank out a quick one, but it look like I suck at short. have a great Labor Day, everyone. see you tomorrow.

this is going to be my closing message for the foreseeable future:

practice self-care. do what you need to do to keep sane. if that means you need to disengage with my daily posts for a while, I get it. this community of ours will still be here when you return.

to all the people who have signed on in the days since the election, welcome aboard. settle in as we all try to deal with the shitfuckery that’s ahead of us.

we are all in this together, and we are all here for each other.

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Tiedrich Sunday

the poet Carl Sandburg famously described Chicago as the ‘City of the Big Shoulders.’ he also called it —

Hog Butcher for the World,
Tool maker, Stacker of Wheat,
Player with Railroads and the Nation’s Freight Handler

if old Carl were writing that poem today, he’d have to add a new line — because Chicago has now become the city of Go Fuck Yourself, Donny Convict.

oh look — America’s Mad King isn’t the only person who gets to sign executive orders.

The mayor of Chicago has signed an order detailing how the city will resist a potential immigration crackdown threatened by the Trump administration.

“We do not need nor want an unconstitutional and illegal military occupation of our city,” said Mayor Brandon Johnson, a Democrat. The order directs city agencies on how to respond to possible immigration enforcement actions.

do not fuck with the Hog Butcher for the World, Donny. they’re busy Stacking Wheat and Making Tools. they don’t have time for your fascist bullshit.

good for the mayor. he’s making plans. he sees what’s going on in DC, and what went on in Los Angeles, and he’s getting all proactive. most importantly, Mayor Johnson has ordered the Chicago Police Department not to aid and abet Donny’s storm troopers.

let’s listen to some highlights from the speech the mayor gave yesterday.

“I do not take this executive action lightly. I would have preferred to work in a more collaborative approach. I would have preferred to do with work with our allies in the city council to pass legislation, ultimately — and we were doing just that. some of the leaders who we are working with are standing behind me today. but unfortunately, we do not have the luxury of time. we have received credible reports that we have days, not weeks, before our city sees some type of militarized activity by the federal government.”

“our people have not asked for this. but nevertheless, we find ourselves having to respond to this.”

“I’m signing an executive order today that will launch the Protecting Chicago Initiative. this is a project that builds on the months of preparation we have done that has led up to this very moment. Protecting Chicago will ensure that every Chicagoan knows their rights, that every single family is prepared, and every part of city government is directed to protect the people of Chicago from federal action. this sweeping executive order directs our Department of Law to pursue any and every legal mechanism to hold this administration accountable for violating the rights of Chicagoans. this order affirms that the Chicago Police Department will no collaborate with military personnel, on police patrols or civil immigration enforcement. we will not have our police officers, who are working hard every single day to drive down crime, deputized to do traffic stops and checkpoints for the president. this order affirms that CPD officers will be directed to wear CPD uniforms, and refrain from wearing masks, so that residents can clearly distinguish them from federal agents.”

“we do not want to see tanks in our streets. we do not want to see families ripped apart. we do not want grandmothers thrown into the back of unmarked vans. we don’t want to see homeless Chicagoans harassed or disappeared by federal agents. we don’t want to see Chicagoans arrested for sitting on their porch. it’s not who we are as a city, and that’s not who we are as a nation. my team and I have spoken to the governor, the county president, and with our federal delegation, and we are in complete alignment. the time for action is now.”

okay, that was pretty long — so if you chose to scroll past it, here are the bullet points:

      • City department of law are directed to pursue every legal mechanism, to resist unconstitutional efforts & hold them accountable
      • Demands Trump stand down from deploying the military in Chicago
      • Chicago PD not to wear masks or collaborate with ICE on patrols, arrests, or immigration enforcement

that last one is the biggie. Americans have a right to know who is legitimate law enforcement, and who is one of Donny’s goons.

we are through the looking glass, folks. this is what it’s come to: a mayor of a major city now has to protect his constituents from a lawless federal government.

our founders would be shitting their breeches if they could see what’s become of their grand experiment in representational democracy.

in the city of the big shoulders, Mayor Johnson’s are fucking huge right now. the mayor is a brave man, and he has earned our support.

hey, remember how, all through Joe Biden’s presidency, the worthless scribblers of the corporate-controlled press treated Joe as if he were old and icky and probably already dead? for fuck’s sake, they even turned his shoes into a major scandal.

 

oh my god, a seventy-nine-year-old, choosing to wear shoes that provide additional support. the horror.

remember how in 2016, the Email Lady tripped on a curb, and the worthless scribs pretty much wrote her obituary on the spot?

spoiler alert: nine years later, Hillary Clinton is very much alive.

given all that, wouldn’t it be awesome if the press paid that much attention to current President Cankles McRottinghand’s obvious physical and cognitive decline?

Donny’s been virtually missing in action for days. he’s been avoiding the press — he hasn’t spoken with them since his cabinet meeting last Tuesday. that’s really bizarre behavior from the attention hog who generally can’t go a single day without gibbering like a loon to a roomful of reporters.

yesterday, he was photographed leaving the White House, on his way to his Virginia golf motel — but he didn’t stop to talk to the press.

so what the fuck is going on? why is Donny in hiding? what is the White House not telling us? why does Couchfuck McGee feel the need to reassure everyone that he’s totally prepared to step into Donny’s demented shoes?

above all, why is our media so unconcerned about this? these are the same people who would shit a brick if Joe Biden went two days without talking to them.

Donny — who never shuts the fuck up — has now gone silent for five days, and not one reporter seems interested in what should be a major story. in fact, they all pretty much orgasmed on the spot over yesterday’s photo of Donny gingerly shuffling towards his waiting limo. they fell all the fuck over each other in a mad dash to assure everyone that Donny was still alive.

oh, and MAGA is totally incensed that anyone would dare speculate about why Donny is suddenly nowhere to be found.

“It’s sickening to see so many leftists on social media spreading false rumors about President Trump and his health. The Democrats have no class.”

yo, Brig — is this you?

I’m sorry, Brig, what was that you were saying about having no class?

oh look, Sundowning Uncle Crazypants has slithered out of his spider hole long enough to tweet out this nonsense:

what’s coming that’s so unstoppable, Big Guy? is it the Epstein Files?

this is going to be my closing message for the foreseeable future:

practice self-care. do what you need to do to keep sane. if that means you need to disengage with my daily posts for a while, I get it. this community of ours will still be here when you return.

to all the people who have signed on in the days since the election, welcome aboard. settle in as we all try to deal with the shitfuckery that’s ahead of us.

we are all in this together, and we are all here for each other.

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Monday Tiedrich

Sorry I’m late today. I’ve been in a mood.

gather ’round, kiddies. Uncle Couchfuck is going to read to us again from the Big Book of Things That Never Happened the Most.

“this is how wars ultimately get settled. if you go back to World War 2, if you go back to every major conflict in human history, they all end with some kind of negotiation.”

hang on, what kind of fever-swamp revisionist fairy-tale bullshit is this? Word War Two ended because of negotiation?

fact check: fuck all the way off.

oh, come on. this such a stupid and easily-batted-down lie. World War Two ended with the unconditional surrenders of Germany, Italy and Japan.

but oh no no no, insists Couchfuck. World War Two was negotiated.

that Harry S. Truman, he must have been one fuck of a negotiator, to get Hitler to agree to put a bullet in his own head — and wouldn’t you have loved to have sat in on the phone call where Truman bargained Mussolini down to being a urine-soaked corpse hung upside down in the street?

Benito, have I got a deal for you.

look, JD Vance is highly educated. he graduated from Yale with a law degree. he knows how World War Two ended — so why on earth would he spew such laughable twaddle? does he think we’re that stupid? spoiler alert: yes, JD Vance thinks we’re that stupid. he also knows that MAGA is that stupid, and will believe anything he tells them. fair point, JD. we’ll give you that one.

but mostly, JD Vance is performing for that Audience of One who’s in the White House, glued to the TV while jamming burger after burger into his gluttonous face.

Donny — a preening, broken-inside bottomless pit of need — is watching, so JD has to flatter the shit out of him. he can’t just simply mumble something semi-reasonable about how Dear Leader’s going to deal his way out of thiswar — he has to twist the bullshit dial all the way to 11, and pretend that all wars that have ever been fought have been ended via negotiation.

so, Donny’s going to negotiate an end to Russia’s war of aggression against Ukraine?

fat fucking chance.

I guarantee that when Donny imagines himself as The Great Negotiator, this is what he sees: Bruce Willis in The Fifth Element, entering with guns blazing and then asking ‘anyone else want to negotiate?’

yeah, no, Donny. we’ve seen you operate. we know who you really are, when it comes to negotiations.

the fact is that Donny is shit at negotiating. Donnie Dealmaker is a character he played on a game show. it’s complete farce.

here’s a fun story that Jane Mayer wrote for The New Yorker, during Donny’s first reign.

in the 1980s, when Donny was looking for someone to ghostwrite The Art of the Deal, he asked journalist Tony Schwartz to do it. Schwartz absolutely did not fucking want any part of it.

He knew that if he took Trump’s money and adopted Trump’s voice, his journalism career would be badly damaged. His heroes were such literary nonfiction writers as Tom Wolfe, John McPhee, and David Halberstam. Being a ghostwriter was hackwork.

so here’s what Schwartz did: he asked for a ginormous amount of money, figuring no one would be fuckwit enough to agree to it, and that Donny would then go find someone else to ghostwrite the book. problem solved, right? wrong.

He told Trump that if he would give him half the advance and half the book’s royalties he’d take the job.

Such terms are unusually generous for a ghostwriter. Trump, despite having a reputation as a tough negotiator, agreed on the spot. “It was a huge windfall,” Schwartz recalls.

Donny got played — and it took all of ten seconds.

you know what percentage of royalties a ghostwriter usually receives? it’s zero. nothing. zip. nada. ghostwriters are generally paid a flat fee. but Tony Schwartz asked Donny for half — and The Great Dealmaker agreed to it, without even ten seconds of negotiating.

oh, and spoiler alert: ghostwriting The Art of the Deal turned out to be a nightmare.

But the discussion was soon hobbled by what Schwartz regards as one of Trump’s most essential characteristics: “He has no attention span.”

For the book, Trump needed to provide him with sustained, thoughtful recollections. He asked Trump to describe his childhood in detail. After sitting for only a few minutes in his suit and tie, Trump became impatient and irritable. He looked fidgety, Schwartz recalls, “like a kindergartner who can’t sit still in a classroom.” Even when Schwartz pressed him, Trump seemed to remember almost nothing of his youth, and made it clear that he was bored. Far more quickly than Schwartz had expected, Trump ended the meeting.

bored, irritable, with the attention span of a coked-up squirrel. all the shit that makes Donny impossible to deal with was already in place in the 1980s — and now you can throw advanced dementia into the mix.

this is the low-wattage stumblefuck who’s going to negotiate an end to the war in Ukraine? oh please. stop insulting our intelligence, JD.

oh wait, it seems Couchfuck isn’t finished thoroughly debasing himself. was there something more you wanted to get off your chest, my dude?

“what I admire about the president is he’s not trying to focus on every nitpicky detail of how this thing started three and a half year ago, he’s trying to focus on the nitpicky details of now.”

sigh.

RUSSIA STARTED AN UNPROVOKED WAR — but sure, let’s not bicker and argue over who killed who. it’s all too nitpicky.

hang on, here’s another Republican elbowing his way to the front of the self-humiliation line.

Margaret Brennan: “the president wants to buy a ten percent stake in Intel. that company says that now, basically, is going to have US taxpayers, as a shareholder, own ten percent. as a conservative, do you think the government should have ownership stakes in private companies?”

New York Rep Mike Lawler: “generally speaking, no … I think what the president is seemingly trying to do is get a return on these tens of billions of dollars that are being invested by US taxpayers into companies like Intel.”

seriously, Mike?

fact check: when the government owns the means of production, that’s literally a little thing we like to call State Socialism.

State socialism is a political and economic ideology within the socialist movement that advocates state ownership of the means of production.

which is a thing that Mike Lawler is definitely against, when he’s not for it.

“Zohran Mamdani’s push for government-owned grocery stores is straight out of the Marxist playbook, and history shows exactly how this experiment ends. New Yorkers deserve solutions, not socialist fantasies that have failed spectacularly every time they’ve been tried.”

so, socialism baaaaaaad, when Democrats suggest doing it, but goooood when Donny actually does it — and, when asked to square this doublethink, Lawler spews incomprehensible gibberish. basically, Dear Leader gets to do whatever he gets it in his deteriorating mind to do, because reasons.

this is our current nightmarish reality. America’s Mad King does something completely antithetical to decades of strict Republican dogma, and then we get to watch as an entire political party ties itself into knots trying to pretend that oh, absolutely, we’ve always been at war with Oceana.

if Donny farted out an executive order this very afternoon decreeing that everyone had to wear their underwear on their head, Republicans would be all over the Sunday shows with — you guessed it — underwear on their heads.

what a fucking time to be alive. lucky us.

this is going to be my closing message for the foreseeable future:

practice self-care. do what you need to do to keep sane. if that means you need to disengage with my daily posts for a while, I get it. this community of ours will still be here when you return.

to all the people who have signed on in the days since the election, welcome aboard. settle in as we all try to deal with the shitfuckery that’s ahead of us.

we are all in this together, and we are all here for each other.

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Tiedrich Sunday

it seems that America’s self-appointed bathroom panty inspector has grown tired of stalking Congress’ ladies rooms, waiting for women she deems insufficiently-feminine-looking to enter them, so she can point and scream and call attention to her own needy self.

Nancy Mace is looking for a new gig. she wants to pull that ‘show me your genitals’ shit in the bathrooms of South Carolina’s Executive Mansion — so she’s now running to be that state’s governor.

how Mace’s quest going? oh, just fucking swimmingly.

U.S. Rep. Nancy Mace (R-01) had advertised she would deliver a speech to more than 100 people in Myrtle Beach. Instead, eight people showed up. She canceled the speech and answered questions from reporters.

Mace was expected to deliver remarks focused on “protecting parental rights and advancing freedom in education” at the Moms for Liberty — Horry County Chapter meeting at Forward Church on Thursday, Aug. 21.

But when she walked into the room, and more chairs were empty than occupied. Plans seemingly changed.

holy shit, Nancy Mace — the Poster Girl for Transphobia — couldn’t get more than eight people to show up at a Moms for Liberty event?

you remember the Liberty Moms. they were hot shit a couple of years ago. these transphobic busybodies became the darlings of the right when they assigned themselves the job of policing America’s school libraries, making sure that little Sally and Jimmy didn’t get exposed to any subversive ideas — like, y’know, gay people should have basic human rights.

things started to go south for the Moms when they put an actual Hitler quote into the header of their newsletter.

decent people everywhere rightfully shit a brick over that — but instead of going ‘yeah, that’s crazy. what where we thinking?’, the Moms were genuinely mystified about all the fuss. what, so now it’s wrong to quote Hitler?

hings went further south when the Liberty Moms co-founder started showing up in an endless series of homemade sex tapes.

A second video has been recovered by police showing Bridget Ziegler, a cofounder of the conservative Moms for Liberty, engaging in sexual relations with a woman, sources said. It is not known if the woman in the video is the same woman who has alleged she was sexually assaulted by Christian Ziegler. Neither Christian nor Bridget Ziegler have responded to requests for comment from the Trident.

what a charming bunch of madcaps.

as I wrote at the time,

Brig apparently has an active and varied sex life — and hey, more power to her for that. no one should be shamed for what they do behind closed doors.

but the utter hypocrisy is off the charts — because that’s the fucking point here.

this busybody has made it her life’s work to tell other people how to live — to police other people’s bedrooms, and to publicly shame anyone who doesn’t conform to her cramped, hateful worldview.

when it comes to publicly shaming anyone who doesn’t conform to a cramped, hateful worldview, you would think that the Moms for Liberty and Nancy Mace would be a perfect fit. one wants to police what’s going in your kid’s book-bag, and the other wants to police what’s going on in your kid’s underwear.

but Nancy Mace couldn’t get more than eight of these hatemongers to show up — which doesn’t bode well for Nance’s gubernatorial aspirations.

it’s a thing we see play out all the time: the hubris of a clown who gets reelected over and over in their heavily-gerrymandered district thinking that it translates to state-wide popularity.

here’s Nancy Mace’s district, SC-1.

it’s a piece of cake to get elected as a Republican when your district has been so carefully engineered to marginalize Democratic voters that it now looks like a month-old fetus.

it’s entirely another story to convince voters across an entire state to vote for you — especially when you’re a performative-nonsense ninny more interested in making headlines than good policy.

here’s the South Carolina Governor’s Mansion.

there are 32 bathrooms in that sucker — and all of them are going to go un-monitored if Nancy Mace can’t even get nine transphobic extremists to show up for a campaign event.

by the way, when I tried to look up Nancy Mace’s district at Congress.govwhile writing this post, this is what I got:

acting-adjacent Hollywood found object Dean Cain recently switched professions.

he’s no longer a bitter never-was, spending his time complaining about not being able to get cast in roles. he’s now an official member of Kristi Noem’s deportation gestapo.

but don’t worry. Dean’s putting his almost-acting talent to good use. he’s the star of a new ICE training video — and it’s such a huge ball of holy shit that it has to be seen to be believed.

what the fuck did we just watch?

it’s basically an out-of-breath ball of pudge struggling to master a laughably-simple little obstacle course — and you’ve got to love the moment when Dean’s left leg gets stuck as he tries to vault that barrier.

let’s gif that shit and slow it way the fuck down.

your first thought has to be ‘is this a fucking joke?’ — did some out-of-shape goofball pretending to be Dean Cain make a parody video and put it online?

nope, it’s one hundred percent real. ICE even posted it up on Elon’s Nazi bar.

if that’s really the actual training that ICE is inflicting on all the psychos who are signing up because they’re so super fucking horny to tackle day laborers in a Home Depot parking lot, then I have the same question as this dude on Threads: how did these guys make it through the pipe?

did these two homeys join ICE because they were hoping someone would thow sandwiches at them?

but let’s talk about the production values of the Dean Cain training video — because there aren’t any. it looks like they spent about five dollars on it. what in the clownish name of Storm Trooper Jesus is this?

it’s great to know that if Dean Cain runs into any mannequins that have overstayed their visas, he’ll be prepared to fuck their shit seven ways from breakfast.

it’s all so pathetically amateurish.

I guess this is what happens when 99% of ICE’s budget goes to Kristi Noem’s hair, makeup and cosplay costuming.

the Dean Cain training film is barely one step up from those self-produced youtube videos where some Meal Team Six nitwit goes out in the middle of the woods — ostensibly to show off their marksmanship skills — and ends up hobbling around and screaming ‘I just fucking shot myself.’

have a great Sunday, everyone. no matter what you’re getting up to today, you’re probably having a better time than Nancy Mace and Dean Cain.

this is going to be my closing message for the foreseeable future:

practice self-care. do what you need to do to keep sane. if that means you need to disengage with my daily posts for a while, I get it. this community of ours will still be here when you return.

to all the people who have signed on in the days since the election, welcome aboard. settle in as we all try to deal with the shitfuckery that’s ahead of us.

we are all in this together, and we are all here for each other.

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This Week In Stupid

as another stupid week comes to a close here in America, let’s look back at the dumbest fucking shit that happened.

monday: tik me no toks

apparently, Donny Convict’s handlers got the bright idea to start up a tiktok account for Dear Leader — because these days, all the cool fascists musthave one.

here’s Donny’s first post. there’s no actual need to watch it. it’s twenty-seven seconds of who the fuck even cares.

instead, let’s take a look at what happened next: people started commenting.

and they commented some more.

they kept right on commenting — and all anyone wanted to talk about was Donny’s close, personal relationship with his dead pedo bestie.

as of right now, there are over 49,000 comments under that video. I’m guessing that about 48,945 of them are about you-know-what.

hey Donny, how’s your cover-up going? not well, I’d say.

uesday: I see dead voters

New Jersey congressman Jeff Van Drew has a wee bit of an ectoplasm problem.

“people who were passed away, these are real people. I spoke to large numbers of them.”

dude, I’m contractually obligated to ask: are these ‘large numbers of people whom you’ve spoken to who have passed away’ in the room with is right now? I’m guessing they are, and you’re the only one who can see them.

now, normally I’d be advising Rep. Van Drew to be dialing 1-800-GHOSTBUSTERS.

but I’m hearing that Kristi Noem’s conscripted them into ICE to help deport undocumented demons back to Carpathia.

 

wednesday: verily, I whine unto you

MAGA preacher Hank Kunneman has a bone to pick with his evidently unfaithful flock. he seems to have mortgaged himself up to his eyeballs on the expectation he’d be able to fleece his way out of it — and it ain’t happening.

“I’m not saying this to be mad. I’m saying this because I feel like I’m going to go to my advocate Jesus. I have $400,000 to pay — and the only reason I took a line of credit is that I could have this, and we wouldn’t have to wait, potentially— can you imagine still being in there, and this sanctuary done, and we don’t have the money to pay for the AV, so now we’ve got to sit there for a year, because that’s how long it would have taken. and I said, well, can I get a line of credit? I didn’t know what else to do. ‘shouldn’t have borrowed’? oh, well tell that to the prophet who said to the widow, go get some vessels, go get some vases, and borrow not a few.”

come on, widows, do a bro a solid. why the fuck aren’t you out there, rounding up those vessels, right now?

seriously, what’s the point of even being an evangelist if you can’t depend on the rubes to finance your obscenely opulent lifestyle?

oh, and that thing about the widows and the vessels? that’s from 2 Kings 4, where the Big Guy in the Sky commits a miracle in order to help a widow deal with her own debts. it’s not about underwriting the greed of some numb-nuts preacher who’s shit at grifting.

pray harder, bro.

thursday: no, it’s pull yourself up by your own bootstraps

here comes Sean Duffy, the reality-show-has-been who grew up to become Donny’s Secretary Of Planes Falling Out Of The Sky, to demonstrate that there’s physical fitness, and then there’s whatever the fuck this is.

 

Sean, are you fucking kidding me? on what planet is that considered a legit pull-up? the Fox News flunkie who’s helping you is expending more energy that you are.

we absolutely need to gif this shit for posterity’s sake.

also, I have it on good authority from Rick Santorum that two men working out like this leads to people marrying their dogs.

slippery slope, my dudes. just saying.

friday: a day in the life

on Friday, some fucking idiot meandered into the Oval Office. befuddled and disheveled, the fucking idiot wore a stupid hat and an even stupider expression.

he fucking idiot’s right hand was, as usual, all fucked to shit from god-knows-what procedure — because as usual, the fucking idiot’s health is a huge State Secret.

the fucking idiot proudly showed off a photo of the despot bestie whose warm embrace he so desperately pines for.

“I’m going to sign this for him. I was sent one. I thought you’d all like to see it. it’s a man named Vladimir Putin, who I believe will be coming, depending on what happens. he may be coming and he may not. depending on what happens. we have a lot of things happening over the next couple of weeks. but I thought it was a nice picture. of him. okay of me, but nice of him. so that was very nice that it was sent.”

the fucking idiot blithered about gold.

“you see the way this is looking? look. I can’t tell you how much that gold costs, a lotta money. there’s nothing like gold and there’s nothing like solid gold, but this, this beautiful office needed it.”

the fucking idiot then hallucinated about ‘beautiful African-American ladies’ who are begging him to come to Chicago and do a fascism.

“Chicago is a mess. and we’ll straighten that one out probably next … African Americans ladies, beautiful ladies, are saying ‘please President Trump, come to Chicago.’”

the fucking idiot then wandered over to the Kennedy Center, where he gibbered incoherently about ‘the cubes with the doors.’

“they built these rooms nobody’s gonna use. rooms underground. and I’ve often wondered what are the big cubes they have outside that block the view. the cubes with the door in them so that people can get down to rooms that nobody is going to use. and it’s a shame. it’s a shame.”

and then the fucking idiot blithered about ‘these cubes’ a second time.

“I can’t use bad language, but it’s been so badly run. and they built these cubes outside, these cubes. and there’s stairways that go down to little rooms that nobody uses. it’s so crazy what they did. they spend hundreds of millions of dollars. it’s like throwing money out the window. they built cubes. all it does is block off the view. you know, they go down to little stages, but nobody uses them. and we’re taking care of our big, beautiful stages that people really want.”

and the fucking idiot didn’t get 25th Amendmented on the spot. how fucking idiotic is that?

saturday: ?

hey, it’s still morning as I sit here writing this — but give it time, I guarantee you that some dipshit wingnut is going to do something stupid before the day is over. you can set your watch to it.

this is going to be my closing message for the foreseeable future:

practice self-care. do what you need to do to keep sane. if that means you need to disengage with my daily posts for a while, I get it. this community of ours will still be here when you return.

to all the people who have signed on in the days since the election, welcome aboard. settle in as we all try to deal with the shitfuckery that’s ahead of us.

we are all in this together, and we are all here for each other.

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And Not A Drag Queen In Sight

Texas megachurch founder Robert Morris indicted on charges of lewd acts with a child

The founder of a Texas megachurch who resigned as senior pastor last year after he admitted “inappropriate sexual behavior” in the 1980s has been indicted on five criminal counts involving a child, the Oklahoma Attorney General’s Office said Wednesday.
Robert Morris, 63, who founded Gateway Church in Southlake, is charged with five counts of lewd or indecent acts with a child, the attorney general’s office said in a statement.
The abuse began in December 1982 when Morris was visiting the Hominy, Oklahoma, home of the victim, the attorney general’s office alleged. He was 21 and she was 12 at the time.
It continued for four years, the office said.
Gateway Church in Southlake, which is in the Dallas-Fort Worth area, is the one of the largest megachurches in the United States.
In June, after Cindy Clemishire came forward to accuse Morris of sexually abusing her as a child, Morris said he engaged in “inappropriate sexual behavior with a young lady in a home where I was staying” in a statement to the evangelical news site The Christian Post.

But Wait! There’s More!

Las Vegas pastor thought he was meeting 14-year-old boy for sex: police

Party affiliation: Republican
LAS VEGAS (KLAS) — Police and federal officials arrested a Las Vegas pastor as he prepared to meet a person he believed was a teenage boy for sex, according to documents the 8 News Now Investigators obtained Monday.
Neal Creecy, 46, faces a charge of luring or attempting to lure a child or mentally ill person with the use of computer technology to engage in sexual conduct, records said.

https://arrestedpastor.com/neal-harrison-creecy

At this point, I see “pastor,” or especially “youth pastor” and I automatically think, PEDOPHILE. Always.

And again…not a drag queen in sight. Imagine that!

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