Category: Because It’s True

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Midweek Madness From Jeff Tiedrich

spare some thoughts and prayers for MAGA, they’re going through some things right now.

it turns out that Dear Leader and his minions are lying to them. or maybe Dear Leader and his minions had been lying to them in the past, but are now telling the truth. or maybe they were lying back then and are still lying now. or maybe— fuck it, my head hurts. let’s just dive head-first into this mess.

here’s a thing that we definitely all heard Pam Bondi say last February.

Fox: “the DOJ may be releasing the list of Jeffrey Epstein’s clients? will that really happen?”
Pam Bondi: “it’s sitting on my desk right now to review. that’s been a directive by President Trump. I’m reviewing that.”

“it’s sitting on my desk right now.” keep that line in your mind as you read on.

now, here’s a super-cool thing that President Donny once said about Jeffrey Epstein.

“I’ve known Jeff [Epstein] for 15 years. Terrific guy. He’s a lot of fun to be with. It is even said that he likes beautiful women as much as I do, and many of them are on the younger side.”

Jeffrey Epstein is, of course, the fuckface pedophile rapist who liked to host parties for his fuckface pedophile rapist friends, during which under-aged girls were — you guessed it — raped. Epstein would fly his fuckface pedophile rapist friends around in a private jet that was nicknamed the Lolita Express, because of course it was. everyone involved in this story fucking sucks.

Epstein got arrested in 2019 for being a fuckface pedophile rapist, and then, while in jail awaiting trial, either epsteined himself, or got epsteined by a person or persons unknown. we’ll never know exactly what happened, because the video camera that was trained on Epstein’s cell twenty-four hours a day magically stopped running for a minute, and when it started back up again, Epstein was on the wrong side of dead.

by the way, after Epstein got arrested, Donny changed his story. Epstein was no longer his great friend. the new fairy tale was that Donny barely knew the guy, and never liked him, and they hardly ever hung out — which is weird, because there are more photos of Donny and Epstein together than there are of Donny with his own son Barron.

look at these two homeys who barely know each other. they sure act like complete strangers, don’t they?

anyhoo, it has long been rumored that Epstein kept a ‘client list’ of all the fuckface pedophile rapist friends who partied with him. that’s the list that Pam Bondi insisted was ‘on her desk’ last February.

one of Donny’s campaign promises was that he was going to release that list. that promise was red meat for the cultists, because supposedly the list was being suppressed by all the Democrats who were on it, and Donny was at long last going to expose them all.

it’s here that I must state that if there actually is a ‘client list,’ everyone on it — Democrat or Republican — should be prosecuted to the fullest extent of the law.

in March — a month after Pam Bondi assured us that the Epstein client list was ‘on her desk’ — a bunch of MAGA influencers were invited to the White House and were all given binders that were labeled “The Epstein Files, Part 1.”

it was a complete dog-and-pony show. there was nothing new in the binders, just a rehash of material that had already been made public. but don’t worry, the White House told the influencers, Part 2 is going to have all the good stuff in it. you’re going to finally see that client list that’s been on Pam Bondi’s desk.

all of this winding-up of the cultists is super fucking weird, considering that two days ago, the DOJ completely changed their tune and announced that there never was a client list, and Jeffrey Epstein epsteined himself.

and now, every cultist is all what the fucking fuck?

in fact, all of us are asking what the fucking fuck? because we all heard Pam Bondi say that the client list was ‘on her desk,’ and that she had a directive from Donny to ‘review it.’

even Fox News lapdog Peter Doocy wants to know what the fucking fuck?

Doocy: “so what happened to the Epstein client list that the attorney general said she had on her desk?”
Leavitt: “I think if you go back and look at what the attorney general said—”
Doocy: “I’ve got the quote. she said, ‘it’s sitting on my desk right now to review.’”

pro tip: if Peter Doocy is using you as a chew toy, you just might be shit at your job.

so, who told the DOJ to change its story, after months of stringing the cultists on? was it someone whose name rhymes with Ronald Blump?

did Ronald Blump suddenly remember that his name is on the list, and maybe it wasn’t a good idea to release it? we’ll never know. all we can do is speculate.

I’m not a conspiracy guy, but I do know when I’m being fed bullshit.

one thing is for certain — Ronald Blump sure seems interested in changing the subject.

reporter: “could you say why there’s a minute missing from the jailhouse tape?”
Pam Bondi: “sure. if I—”
Donny, cutting her off: “could I just interrupt for one second? are you still talking about Jeffrey Epstein? this guy’s been talked about for years. you’re asking— we have Texas, we have this, we have all of the things— and, are people still talking about this guy?”

yes, Donny. people are still talking about ‘this guy’ — because as usual, none of your lies add up.

in the absence of facts, one thing we can do is mock all the dipshit cultists who just realized they got played.

Pizzagate Jack wants to know why, if there was no client list, Ghislaine Maxwell is still in jail.

so does Madge Three-Toes.

stop it, you two. you’re breaking our hearts.

then there’s the ‘why is the deep state doing this to Donny’ contingent, led by Fox News found object Jesse Watters.

it would break Jesse’s brain to admit that Dear Leader has any culpability in the disappearing of the list, so he has to pretend that the DEEP STATE is in the room with us right now.

wait, it gets better: roasted ball-sack aficionado Tucker Swanson McNear Carlson knows the real reason the Deep State destroyed the list.

According to Carlson, the government was actually hiding Epstein’s black book because it would reveal his involvement with American and Israeli spy agencies.

so move over, Deep State, because American and Israeli spy agencies are also in the room with us right now. it’s getting fucking crowded in here.

oh no, Donny — you’ve lost Roseanne Barr.

she’s this close to getting it.

oh gee, did Roger Stone just out himself as being on the client list?

Roger, why so upset? no one mentioned your name — except you.

also, you’ve got to love all the cultists asking “Pam Bondi, who are you protecting?”

you dumb fucknuts, who do you think Pam Bondi is protecting? she only works for one person, you know.

or does she?

now get ready for the Crowning Moment of Dumb-ass.

so, for those of you keeping score at home, it’s the Deep State, American and Israeli spy agencies, QAnon, Pam Bondi, the media, and a five-dimensional chess board who are all in the room with us right now.

I gotta step out for a moment. I need some fresh air.

the one person in all this who has been unafraid to point his finger at Donny is, of course, the Space Nazi.

but Elon has his own problems right now.

it seems that in his quest to get his own AI, Grok, to stop being so goddamned woke all the time, he over-corrected — and yesterday, Grok spent the entire afternoon tweeting out pro-Hitler messages.

Grok even started calling itself “MechaHitler.”

gosh, it’s hard to believe that the guy who sieg-heiled to commemorate Donny’s inauguration would turn his AI into a pro-Hitler chatbot.

how did we Nazi this coming?

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That’s easy. Are her lips flapping? She’s lying.

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Monday Madness From Mr. Tiedrich

as news of the tragedy in Texas unfolded, the President of the United States was in his White House command center, meeting with a team of experts who had been hastily summoned to Washington.

oh, who we kidding here? Donny spent the entire weekend at his New Jersey ex-wife cemetery, cheating at golf.

nonetheless, the President’s message was clear: I take full responsibility for what has occurred, and will take every measure necessary to ensure that something like this never happens again.

again, who are we kidding here? the message that Donny farted out of his rancid anus-mouth was ‘none of this is my fault.’

reporter: “do you think the federal government needs to hire back any of the meteorologists who were fired?”

Donny: “I wouldn’t know that. I would think not. this was a thing that happened in seconds. no one expected it. nobody saw it. very talented people are there, they didn’t see it. it’s I guess they said once in a hundred years, you’ve never seen anything like this.”

fact check: piss straight up a rope, Donny. you are useless. you are absolutely useless. you are as useless as a marzipan dildo.

Heather Cox Richardson, could you please explain to Donny why, as usual, he’s completely fucking wrong about everything.

Former National Weather Service officials maintain the forecasts were as accurate as possible and noted the storm escalated abruptly. They told Christopher Flavelle of the New York Times that the problem appeared to be that NWS had lost the staffers who would typically communicate with local authorities to spread the word of dangerous conditions. Molly Taft at Wired confirmed that NWS published flash flood warnings but safety officials didn’t send out public warnings until hours later.

got that, Donny? the Nat Weather Service did an amazing job, given the resources they had to work with. so stop whining that it’s so sad, it’s so sad, nobody could have seen it coming.

maybe if Chainsaw McFuckfuck hadn’t chainsawed the fuck out of the NWS, perhaps there would have been enough people in the office to, y’know, adequately warn everyone who needed to be warned.

anyway, why are you reporters still pestering Donny about this? didn’t he just tell you that one of this shit was his fault? you do know who’s fault it is, don’t you? of course you do. his name rhymes with Joe Biden.

reporter: “are you investigating whether some of the cuts to the federal government left key vacancies at the national weather service?”

Donny: “they didn’t, I’ll tell you, uh, if you look at that, that water situation that all is and that was really the Biden setup. that was not our setup. but I wouldn’t blame Biden for it either.”

dafuk?

in the same breath, Donny tells us it’s Biden’s fault, but he wouldn’t blame Biden — even though he just did blame Biden. how does that work? Donny really fucking sucks at Jedi mind tricks, because no one except the cultists is falling for that bullshit.

but really, I need to know more about this ‘water situation’ that Donny insists is a ‘Biden setup.’ what ‘situation’ is that? does Donny mean the ‘situation’ where water falls out of the sky, really hard? is that Joe Biden’s fault?

Donny really doesn’t understand how water works, does he. all he knows is that there’s a situation. oh, and there’s also some ginormous fucking faucet in Canada that controls all of California’s water.

and he knows the hurricane that devastated Puerto Rico during his first presidency was “from a standpoint of water, really wet.” oh, and he couldn’t do anything to help Puerto Rico, because the ocean was in the way.

oh, and Donny also knows that you can force a hurricane to follow the path of a sharpie, if you wish really hard.

it turns out that I’ve been wrong all along when I’ve been saying that Donny has a toddler’s understanding of the world. it wasn’t fair of me to say that, because what Donny actually has is an infant’s understanding of the world.

oh, speaking of that ginormous fucking faucet that absolutely exists in Canada — remember when Los Angeles burned to the ground and Donny tortured Gavin Newsom over it, blaming him for running California like some commie rat bastard, and threatening to withhold disaster relief funds until Newsom opened that imaginary faucet?

well, it’s really weird that Donny pulled none of that shit with Greg Abbott, the razor-wire torture-trap aficionado who runs Texas. he signed an emergency relief declaration for Texas almost immediately. just a coincidence, I guess.

I guess if Gavin Newsom wanted that kind of preferential treatment, he should have volunteered to open up an Avocado Alcatraz. or maybe the actual Alcatraz, since it’s in his state.

hey, you know who else is just as useless as a marzipan dildo?

House Speaker Marzipan McDildo.

Shannon Bream: “state and federal resources have just poured into that area. is there anything more that can be done congressionally, legislatively, to help these folks?”

Holy Mike Johnson: “in a moment like this, we feel just as helpless as everyone else does … all we know to do at this moment is pray.”

you know what my father would have said to Holy Mike? shit into one hand, pray into the other. see which one fills up first.

come on, reporters. why are you bothering Holy Mike, when he’s busy praying? it’s not like he can do anything about the situation. it’s not like he’s a member of government. it’s not as if he wields the Speaker’s gavel. it’s not like he could have wadded up any of the Mad King’s unconstitutional executive orders, and declared he was using his congressional power to override them. it’s not as if he could have told the Space Nazi to put down his chainsaw and get his pimply incel DOGE dipshits the fuck out of town. it’s not as if he could have told Donny to shove his big, beautiful bill up his ass, and announced that he wasn’t going to vote to fund any of that Police State bullshit.

oh wait, Holy Mike Johnson could have done all those things. he just chose not to. because he’s useless.

how useless is Holy Mike? repeat after me:

oh look, Donny and the Space Nazi are fighting again.

here’s a thing Elon posted to his shithole Nazi-bar app.

it’s fucking heartbreaking.

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Stupid Americans

Banger of a post by “tarltontarlton” on Reddit:

That same process is happening now with stupid people. They’re transcending their individual limitations, finding each other and becoming out-and-proud Stupid-Americans. […]

How individual stupid Americans are becoming the collective, self-aware group of Stupid-Americans is a great idea for a lot of very fancy journalism I’m sure. It’s probably got something to do with the internet, where stupid people can find and repeat stupid things to each other over and over and over again.

I believe it has a lot to do with the Internet, which has functioned as a terribly efficient sorting machine. It used to be that there were conservative Democrats and liberal Republicans. Both political parties were, effectively, shades of purple. Now we’ve sorted ourselves, and the result is the palpable increase in polarization. Low-IQ stupidity might still be spread across both sides of the political aisle, but willful ignorance — the dogmatic cultish belief that loudmouths’ opinions are on equal ground with facts and evidence presented by informed experts — is the entire basis of the MAGA movement. A regular stupid person might say, “Well, I don’t know anything about vaccines, so I better listen to my doctor, who is highly educated and well-informed on the subject.” An out-and-proud Stupid-American says “I don’t know anything about vaccines either, so I’m going to listen to a kook who admits that a worm ate part of his brain, because I can’t understand the science but I canunderstand conspiracy theories.”

If written language survives the next six weeks, we’ll be writing about Donald Trump for a thousand years. But whatever else there is to say, the most important thing about Donald Trump, the thing that is obvious from watching him speak for just 14 seconds, is that he is profoundly stupid. Whatever it is that he might be talking about or doing at any given moment, it’s clear that while he has a reptilian instinct for reading and stoking conflict, he has no real idea what’s going on and he doesn’t really care to. Stupid is what he is and where he comes from. It is his mind and his soul. Catholic was what JFK was. Gay was what Harvey Milk was. Stupid is who Donald Trump is.

And that’s what they love most, the Stupid-American voters.

Remember that sentence you heard at the beginning of all this in 2016? “He’s just saying what everybody is thinking.”

But see, not everybody was thinking that Hillary Clinton was an alien, that global warming was a Chinese hoax and that what America needed most of all was a plywood wall stretching from Texas to California. Only the stupid people were. And suddenly, in an instant, the most powerful man on earth was thinking just like them. With his clueless smirk and unstoppable rise, he turned people whose stupidity made them feel like nobody into people who felt like everybody.

That’s why he’ll never lose them. Because it was never about what he did or didn’t do. All that stuff is very confusing and the Stupid-American community isn’t interested in the details. They love him for who he is, which is one of them, and because he shows them every day that Stupid-Americans can reach the social mountaintop.

(Via Kottke.)

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WHY anyone would want to come here still amazes me.

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when the sentient cockroaches who inherit the Earth from us try to figure out how it all became a smoking, radioactive ruin, they’re not going to believe the truth: that a vindictive, score-settling psychopath went postal because his handlers hustled him out of the G7 before he could power-load his diaper and use it to paint the walls — and because the dumbfuck Fox News dunk-tank clown he made SecDef couldn’t military-parade his way out of a paper bag.

yesterday, while Macron, Meloni, Carney & Co. were gee-sevenning it up in Canada, Mad King Donny was seething in the White House. his handlers may have hidden Donny away from the cameras, but they stupidly forgot to hide his phone — and they should have, because—

hang on, I think we’re getting a Royal Dispatch from His Highness right now. let’s check it out.

We now have complete and total control of the skies over Iran. Iran had good sky trackers and other defensive equipment, and plenty of it, but it doesn’t compare to American made, conceived, and manufactured ‘stuff.’ Nobody does it better than the good ol’ USA.”

ohhh-kay. good to know, bro. thanks for checking in with us. we’re going to get back our— oh wait, you’ve got another Kingly Pronouncement? lay it on us.

We know exactly where the so-called “Supreme Leader” is hiding. He is an easy target, but is safe there – We are not going to take him out (kill!), at least not for now. But we don’t want missiles shot at civilians, or American soldiers. Our patience is wearing thin. Thank you for your attention to this matter!


for fuck’s sake, “thank you for your attention to this matter” is how you close a disgruntled email to your town board because that pothole in front of your house isn’t being fixed fast enough.

it’s not how you close a social media post where you threaten the life of the leader of Iran.

none of this is normal — yet we’re all so far down the rabbit hole with this deranged psychopath that the press barely takes notice.

but wait — the rabbit hole goes even deeper, and now we’re so far down it that Tulsi Gabbard — of all people! — is the lone voice of sanity among Donny’s Confederacy of Sewer Clowns.

Kaitlin Collins: “you always said that you don’t believe the Iran should be able to have a nuclear weapon. but how close do you think they were go getting one? because Tulsi Gabbard testified in March that the intelligence community said Iran wasn’t building a nuclear weapon.”

Donny: “I don’t care what she said.”

how lovely, Donny doesn’t care what Tulsi Gabbard said. Donny knows what he knows — and goddammit, he’s not going to let his own Director of National Intelligence change his mind.

put yourself in Donny’s place. if you were president, who would you listen to: the woman whose job is to know everything that’s going on in the world, or the barking noises inside your own head?

for Donny, hands-down it’s the barking noises. because Dear Leader is desperate for a win right now. everything’s turned to shit. no one takes his tariff pronouncements seriously any more. everyone laughing at Taco Donny. that ahem alleged drunk fuck at the Pentagon totally botched what was supposed to be a glorious military parade.

and don’t get Donny started on those smug G7 shitheads, rolling their eyes and making fun of him behind his back.

and then, the ultimate indignity — his handlers hustling him back to DC in the middle of the night, because they were afraid he’d completely lose it in public.

so what if Donny fell asleep again, right in the middle of a G7 meeting? so what if everyone was staring at him in disbelief? those people are boring, anyway. all they do is yap yap yap yap.

Donny’s going to show them all. he’s going to throw in his lot with that other bloodthirsty butcher, Netanyahu, and rattle swords and make threats — and if it leads to American bombs dropping in the Middle East, all the better. because fuck you, that’s why.

nobody sidelines Donny.

hang on, I think Dear Leader has another kingly dispatch —

“It is my Great Honor to announce that I will be putting up two beautiful Flag Poles on both sides of the White House, North and South Lawns. It is a GIFT from me of something which was always missing from this magnificent place. The digging and placement of the poles will begin at 7:30 A.M. EST, tomorrow morning. Flags will be raised at approximately 11 A.M. EST. These are the most magnificent poles made – They are tall, tapered, rust proof, rope inside the pole, and of the highest quality. Hopefully, they will proudly stand at both sides of the White House for many years to come!”

FLAGPOLES???? this insane fuck is posting about flagpoles?

bro, you just put the entire world on high alert. we’re all just sitting here, chewing our fingernails and wondering when the missiles are going to start flying, and now you’re blithering a mile a minute about ‘magnificent,’ ‘high-quality’ flagpoles?

look at this crazypants shit. he’s personally directing where the holes are to be dug. this is primo fucking lunacy.

Donny is morally unwell, mentally unwell — and clearly physically unwell. he’s a mess. what is going on with his face? what the fuck is going on with his hand?

that’s a photo of Donny at the G7. his right hand is swollen and bruised. what are Donny’s handlers not telling us about this deteriorating old shitnozzle?

thank you for your attention to this matter, handlers.

wait, what’s that, Donny? you have one more thing to get off your chest?

oh great, the Mad King is awake at 1:35am and hallucinating about imaginary poll numbers.

maybe we should just let the sentient cockroaches take over.

thank you for your attention to this matter, roaches.

let’s watch as the frozen fish-stick heir goads the Esteemed Senator Fidel Cancun into completely losing his shit.

Tucker Carlson: “how many people live in Iran by the way?”

Ted Cruz: “I don’t know the population.”

Carlson: “at all?”

Cruz: “no, I don’t know the population”

Carlson: “you don’t know the population of the country you seek to topple?”

Cruz: “how many people are living there?”

Carlson: “92 million.… How could you not know that?”

Cruz: “I don’t sit around memorizing population tables.”

Carlson: “Well, it’s kind of relevant because you’re calling for the overthrow of the government.”

the whole thing devolves from there.

now, let’s be clear about what’s going on here. Tuckums is being a bully, and using a technique that gun nuts, toxic male influencers, religious wackos and conservatives in general, use to ‘win’ debates: they harangue their opponents, and declare their opinions invalid if they can’t correctly answer questions about minutiae — and Fidel Cruz falls right into Tuck’s trap.

but still — isn’t it fun to watch two hateful assholes exasperate the shit out of each other?

we’re all in bad need of a hero right now, so let’s listen in as a CSPAN caller rips Jake Tapper — who is apparently still making the rounds and hawking his failed shithole book — any number of new ones.

“right now I really don’t like you. I think you’re doing a disservice to Joe, and also to the American people. when are you going to examine what is going on with Trump? Joe Biden conducted himself for four years, taking care of the United States. he took meetings, he went overseas, he negotiated with other leaders. this president has been pure chaos, which indicates to me that there is something wrong with him. we will never get a straight answer on his medical exam, what medication he is on, and yet you have gone after Joe Biden with a vengeance. I’m very disappointed in you. I enjoyed watching your show, but not any more. and I think right now, that you ought to start writing another book, examining Trump, and how erratic he is, and what he is doing.”

thank you for your attention to this matter, Jake.

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We live in a world that in times past if you saw an outrageous headline online you’d automatically laugh it off as satire. Everything has gotten so fucked in the last six months however that you now actually have to verify that it’s from the ONION and not something that really happened.