Could It Be TRUE?
Friday Tiedrich
are you sitting down right now? I sure hope so, because here’s some shocking news: it turns out that the guy who lied to us about bone spurs, and lied to us about hush money, and lied to us about his Ukraine phone call — and about a hurricane and covid and the election and his height and his weight and his golf scores and how tariffs work, and about thirty thousand other things — has been lying about his health.
I know, right?
apparently, Donny got wind of the fact that the Wall Street Journal was going to commit a wall-street-journalism by documenting all the ways in which Dear Leader is falling apart physically — and he reacted in the most Donny way possible: he phoned the Journal and started whining about how unfair they’re being to him.
In an impromptu phone interview that came after the Journal shared details about its reporting with the White House, the president expressed irritation about the public debate over his health. He has grown upset with his own White House staff for not promoting him as more vigorous.
spoiler alert: this whole ‘interview’ is just Donny lying his big dumb pumpkin face off, spewing the usual fever-swamp hallucinations about how he’s super fucking healthy — healthy like no one thought possible, maybe the healthiest person ever.
“My health is perfect,” he added.
whatever you say, President Rottinghand.
speaking of which, we’ve got it all wrong about Donny’s rotting hand. those bruises, apparently, happen because Donny’s been gobbling aspirin for decades.
The large dose of aspirin he chooses to take daily has caused him to bruise easily, he said, and he has been encouraged by his doctors to take a lower dose. But Trump has declined to switch because he has been taking it for 25 years. “I’m a little superstitious,” he said in the interview.
oh please, the only thing of Donny’s that ‘bruises easily’ is his paper-thin ego. but do tell us more about your crackpot theories of medicine, Mister Windmills Give You Brain Cancer — we can’t get enough of that shit.
“They say aspirin is good for thinning out the blood, and I don’t want thick blood pouring through my heart,” Trump said. “I want nice, thin blood pouring through my heart. Does that make sense?”
Donny wants nice, thin blood like no one thought possible — and he asks us if that ‘makes sense,’ not wanting thick blood gumming up the works.
of fucking course it doesn’t make any sense. don’t take my word for it. let’s listen to an expert. Dr. Jonathan Reiner was Dick Cheney’s cardiologist for thirty years, so I’m pretty sure he knows what he’s talking about.
“when we use any anti-coagulant, medications to prevent clotting, those don’t thin the blood. it’s not like changing something from gumbo to chicken soup. it doesn’t make it thinner, it makes you less likely to clot. it used to be that we would treat a lot of people with aspirin therapy to prevent heart attacks — but we’ve learned in recent years that particularly people over the age of 70, not only is there no benefit in terms of just primary prevention, trying to prevent a cardiac event by giving them aspirin, that there can be hazard.and the hazard can be bleeding. significant bleeding. so here’s the interesting thing about this. the president is apparently is taking 325 milligrams of aspirin per day, which is essentially one adult size aspirin tablet. but the dosage that we use for patients, even with documented chronic artery disease, is a quarter that. 81 milligrams per day. so why is the president taking an unorthodox dose of aspirin? the media has published many photos of his right hand, and now maybe his left hand, with his chronic bruise, and the White House has said that this is related to chronic aspirin therapy. so if you’re bruising a lot, and your doctor says you’re on too much aspirin, why wouldn’t you go down to a lower dose?”
ooh ooh! I know the answer to the doctor’s question: it’s because Donny’s a fucking imbecile who is serenely convinced of his own imaginary genius. he know more about doctoring than all the doctors.
of course Donny isn’t going to take the recommended dosage (which isn’t even recommended any more). small pills are for losers. real men chow down on the big-ass kind. so naturally Donny’s going to take the aspirin that goes up to eleven.
meanwhile, the White House is sticking to its ‘Donny’s fist is mangled because he shakes a lot of hands’ fairy tale — but even Donny’s own toadies know that’s a load of shit.
His physical signs of aging are becoming more evident to some of his closest advisers. His skin is so delicate that Pam Bondi, now his attorney general, caused his hand to bleed when she nicked him with her ring while giving him a high-five at the Republican National Convention in Milwaukee.
in fact, Donny’s left hand recently appeared to have a hole in it.
so, who is Donny shaking hands with that he’s ended up with punctures on the back of his hand? Wolverine?
Trump said he applies makeup to his hands after he gets “whacked again by someone.” He added: “I have makeup that’s, you know, easy to put on, takes about 10 seconds.”
if it takes Donny ‘ten seconds’ to cover his hand, I wonder how many seconds it takes him to spackle his face.
I’m guessing five.
obviously, we’re being lied to. no one is shaking Donny’s hand to the point where the fucking thing looks like someone slammed it in a car door. Donny has clearly been repeatedly receiving intravenous fluids for kind of ailment that they’re hiding from the public. it’s an insult to our intelligence for the White House to insist otherwise.
hey, here’s something else we’ve been getting wrong about Donny. he’s not a narcoleptic fart factory who chronically saws logs in public. he’s just relaxing his eyes.
“I’ll just close. It’s very relaxing to me,” he said in describing shutting his eyes. “Sometimes they’ll take a picture of me blinking, blinking, and they’ll catch me with the blink.”
you know, like he relaxed his eyes at the Pope’s funeral.
who among us hasn’t momentarily relaxed their eyes to the point where their mouth falls open and their entire body goes slack?
oh look, Donny and the White House are once again lying to us about every fucking thing.
when is an MRI not and MRI? apparently when it’s a CT scan, that’s when.
He has for weeks said that he underwent an MRI at Walter Reed National Military Medical Center in October. When asked about the procedure by the Journal, Trump and his doctor said he got a different form of imaging: a CT scan. “It wasn’t an MRI,” Trump told the Journal. “It was less than that. It was a scan.”
Navy Capt. Sean Barbabella, Trump’s doctor, confirmed in a statement to the Journal that Trump had received a CT scan.
what in the actual fuck? after weeks of Donny and his flunkies telling us that he got an MRI, now it’s a CT scan? and even the doctor who released that farcical ‘summary’ about Donny’s MRI is now on board that it was a CT scan?
do you think maybe Dr. Barbabella could go on record and explain to us why, if we were all mistaken about which procedure Donny underwent, he didn’t correct us, y’know, two fucking months ago?
The White House declined to make Barbabella available for an interview.
oh. huh.
we’re either being lied to now, or were lied to then. I’m not sure which is the better scenario.
for the umpteenth time, Donny’s handlers are feeding us some some fairy-tale shit-sandwich about Dear Leader’s health — and we’re expected to shut the fuck up and swallow it wholesale.
I’m sorry, but this guy is not well.
look, Donny is suffering from a lot of shit. he is clearly not up to the rigors of presidenting. he disappears from public for days at a time, without explanation. he’s tired. he’s confused. his memory is shot. he can’t tell fact from fiction. he’s hard of hearing. his hands are rotting and his cankles look like they’re about to explode.
that’s a whole lot of pathologies. let’s put them all together and call it fuckbrainscabosis.
We the People have a right to know what’s going on. Dear Leader’s handlers need to stop jerking us around, and release Donny’s complete medical records. tell us why he got an MRI, or CT scan, or whatever the fuck we’re calling it today. and how about explaining to us once and for all how his shot-to-pieces ear magically regenerated itself.
and — as long as we’re calling for releasing stuff — let’s go. Dead Pedo Bestie Files. snap it up already.
Zohran Mamdani was sworn into office yesterday as Mayor of New York — and here’s one of the very first things he did: he issued an executive order shitcanning a metric fuckload of previous mayor Eric Adams’ executive orders.
“He has wiped off the books EVERY Eric Adams executive order issued on or after September 26, 2024, the day Adams was indicted on federal bribery charges.”
this is how it’s done — and I certainly hope that the next Democratic president is paying close attention.
this is going to be my closing message for the foreseeable future:
practice self-care. do what you need to do to keep sane. if that means you need to disengage with my daily posts for a while, I get it. this community of ours will still be here when you return.
to all the people who have signed on in the days since the election, welcome aboard. settle in as we all try to deal with the shitfuckery that’s ahead of us.
we are all in this together, and we are all here for each other.
And We’re The Snowflakes?!
Since He Has To Put His Name On Everything…
The Year In Stupid From Tiedrich (Part 3)
as another stupid year comes to a close in America, let’s remember some of the dumbest fucking shit that happened.
note: this is a long post. some email apps — gmail in particular — may truncate it. if this happens to you, click “view entire message” or “view in browser” or go here to see the entire post.
September 8: I meant to do that
folks, if you’re MAGA, and you’re determined to mace the shit out of protestors who showed up to an anti-ICE demonstration, it helps to know which end of the doohickey the spray comes out of.
spoiler alert: yup, she maced herself — and not in the performative Nancy-Mace-beclowning-herself-in-front-of-a-unisex-bathroom way.
she did it in the very, very bad oh-my-god-my-eyes-my-eyes way.
THANK YOU FOR YOUR LACK OF ATTENTION TO THIS MATTER, UNKNOWN MAGA DIPSHIT.
you helped our post get off to a great start. ten out of ten. no notes.
September 15: peak Kirk
in the wake of Charlie Kirk’s murder, big strong conservatives, tears in their eyes, have been falling all the fuck over each other in a mad dash to lionize Charlie as a great man. one of the greatest men. a man like no one’s ever seen before. a man like no one thought possible. possibly the greatest man of all time.
folks, get ready — because the canonization of Charlie Kirk has reached Peak Stupid.
Texas Rep. Troy Nehls: “Charlie Kirk was a man of faith, first and foremost. he loved his Lord Jesus, he loved his family, beautiful wife, beautiful children. just a remarkable, honorable man that was silenced with this assassin’s bullet. I would say if Charlie Kirk lived in the biblical times, he’d have been the 13th disciple.”
I’m going to have to disagree with Rep. Nehls, because I’m pretty sure that had the Kirkster lived in biblical times, he’d have been one of the Four Horsemen of the Shitpocalypse. Grumpy, Dopey, Sleepy, and Charlie.
but that’s just, like, my opinion, man.
nonetheless, get ready to rejoice — because right now, Charlie Kirk is up in Heaven, fronting a band that I certainly hope is called Jesus and the 13 Apostles.
it must be pointed out that the creator of this nightmare fuel, Simon Hedges, is most certainly not a wingnut, and produced that image as a goof. however, that didn’t stop the internet from doing what the internet does best: fail to recognize a joke.
by the way, after I’m finished writing today’s post, I will be sending an angry email to myself demanding that I fire me for being insufficiently respectful to Charlie Kirk.
September 18: I never forget a face
it’s easy to forget, given the firehose of fucknuttery that is our current timeline, that DOGE is still a thing — and that a certain three-toed freak of nature chairs an entire House subcommittee about it.
that’s right, Congresswoman Sporkfoot is still holding pointless hearings, where she drags in some poor unfortunate expert and harangues them about whatever batshit is seeping from her head.
Marjorie Taylor Greene: “did man create the Ice Age?”
witness: “no”
Greene: “right. so none of were alive back then to know for sure.”
Congresswoman, are we sure about that, that none of us were alive back then? I’m asking because the Museum of Confluences in Lyon, France, features an exhibit on Neanderthals —
and there’s a woman in that exhibition who looks pretty goddamn familiar.
so I want to ask you again, Congresswoman, are you sure none of us were alive back then?
remember, you’re under oath.
October 1: give that skateboard the Nobel Peace Prize
this was one of the shittiest years ever, so let’s just enjoy Fox News’ own dunk-tank clown, Piss-Drunk Pete Kegstand, flipping a skateboard into his own nuts, on live TV.
oy my god, that sure looks like it hurt like fuck — so let’s savor the moment, and gif that shit for all eternity.
chef’s kiss! let’s zoom in.
suck it up, Warrior Boy.
and mad props to the kid behind Kegstand, who absolutely could not give one shit that the Secretary of Self-Owns just neutered himself.
October 10: the sounds of silence
now let’s enjoy six-hundred-and-forty-nine-year-old Chuck Grassley forgetting how electricity works.
[ten seconds of silence, as Grassley’s mouth moves, after which Lindsey Graham reaches over and turn on his mic] “I forgot to turn on my microphone. let me start again.”
I know, that’s pretty fucking funny — but let’s cut Chuckie Gee a break. as you know, he was first elected to the Senate in 1782 — and the US Capitol building wasn’t electrified until 1910. you know what they say about old dogs learning new tricks.
I gotta tell you, though: those ten seconds, when Chuckles was flapping his ancient gums and no sounds was coming out — those were the most peaceful ten seconds of my entire life.
October 20: hey Donny, I can see the Epstein Ballroom from up here
oh, how cuuuuute! someone strapped Secretary of Defense Flippy McCrushnuts into the child seat of a fighter jet, and took him for a joyride.
let’s be crystal fucking clear about this: Pete Kegstand was a passenger. no way was he flying the plane — not with his blood-alcohol level.
of course, the Department of Defense went out of their way to crop that video in a way that implied Piss-Drunk Pete was piloting that jet — because that’s what you do when your SecDef is a banty rooster with a paper-thin ego in need of constant affirmation that he’s something other than a two-bit Fox News weekend chat-show dunk-tank clown.
Bob Clendenin, can you please explain to the nice people why no one with a functioning brain should be impressed by this ridiculous public relations stunt?
sure, but you know doesn’t have a functioning brain? MAGA, that’s who. those dumbfucks immediately started punching the air and going ‘Kegstand, fuck yeah!’
Community Notes, could you please explain to MAGA what they’re too dim to grasp on their own?
coolest SecDef ever? absolutely not. drunkest, maybe.
October 29: blessed are the joyless scolds
here’s a grand October tradition: Christian evangelicals shitting all over Halloween.
Amanda Grace: “so, I want to speak to these people that want to take part in these ceremonies today. that want to take part in horrific wickedness today. you are nothing more than a slave to Satan and his kingdom. he hates you, he cannot stand you, because whether you like it or not, you’re made in the image of God. and you are just a means to his end. you are a slave to his exploits. you are in bondage to do his bidding.”
lighten the fuck up, Francis.
holy shit, lady. I just wanted to dole out some candy to kids.
I’m pretty sure Satan has more important stuff on his plate right now, what with an entire White House to run.
seriously, could evangelicals please shut the fuck up already and let the rest of us have our fun? it’s not our fault that you can’t find joy in anything, so stop shitting all over ours.
November 13: first they came for whatever the fuck this is
Florida Rep. An Appalling Lunatic went on Newsmax and — [taps earpiece] hold on, I’m being informed that the Florida rep’s name is actually Anna Paulina Luna. goddammit, I keep making this mistake. sorry about that, Anna. let me start over.
Florida Rep. Anna Paulina Luna went on Newsmax and did what she does best: blithered like an appalling lunatic.
Newsmax: “you’re on the record talking about, quote ‘non-human life-forms that could be interdimensional beings who are visiting us.’ can you just explain more, so people at home might know what that means.”
Lunatic: “yes, so that’s definitely a mouthful, but that is directly based on information that we received from witnesses. also information that we have obtained and witnessed via our investigations. there is some stuff that I can’t disclose what I have immediately seen in some of these SCIFs, but what I will tell you is, this is not some crazy conspiracy theory.”
spoiler alert: yes is it. it’s a crazy conspiracy theory.
I’d like to ask Anna if these interdimensional beings are in the room with us right now, but I’m afraid that she’d respond ‘yes, they are. duh. can’t you see them?’
this is why An Appalling Lunatic got herself elected to office — not to help her constituents, or to make anyone’s life better — but, apparently, to get to the bottom of whatever the fuck this is.
November 20: as what’s-his-face is my witness
holy moly. according to ‘prophetess’ Kat Kerr, God is using her as a vessel, and literally speaking through her right now. you can tell, because she’s doing her best to lower her voice and get all projecty and stuff.
“and I sit as the high judge. NO ONE CAN IMPEACH ME. AND NO ONE WILL BE ABLE TO IMPEACH TRUMP. I HAVE APPOINTED HIM— ANOINTED HIM. HE IS MY PRESIDENT FOR AMERICA, AND WILL BE SO UNTIL I AM FINISHED WITH HIS ASSIGNMENT.”
I’m kinda skeptical. if the Omnipotent Big Guy in the Sky were actually speaking through Kat, I’m pretty sure he’d know the difference between ‘appointed’ and ‘anointed.’
hey, I can also pretend that God is speaking through me. all I have to do is type in all caps. watch: HEY KAT, SHUT THE FUCK UP.
November 26: u wanna b what?
folks, please meet the Department of Homeland Security’s acting chief security officer, Iwona B. Horyn.
yes, that’s really her name.
she’s right there on the DHS web site.
and please, let’s not mock Iwona for it. she didn’t choose her name, and there’s no doubt in my mind that she’s already endured a lifetime of teasing.
but there is one thing I’d like to ask Ms. Horyn’s parents.
WHAT THE FUCK WERE YOU THINKING?
why didn’t the person filling out the birth certificate snatch the baby out of Mother Horyn’s hands and say ‘you can have her back when you come to your senses.’
we don’t know how Iwona feels about any of this. she’s not saying. neither is her husband, Hugh G. Rection.
December 2: blessed are the gullible
podcast bro Joe Rogan’s whole deal is that he’s a credulous meathead. he’ll sit there like a lump as some raving conspiracy loon barks out the batshittiest fever-swamp hallucinations imaginable — after which Joe will nod his head, take a long drag off a joint, and go ‘huh. I didn’t know that.’
but Joe’s not above making his own nonsensical high-as-fuckpronouncements.
“Jesus was born out of a virgin mother. what’s more virgin than a computer? if Jesus does return, even if Jesus was a physical person in the past, you don’t think he could return as artificial intelligence? artificial intelligence could absolutely return as Jesus.”
I think it’s high time (see what I did there?) for Joe Rogan to put down the joint — because I’m pretty sure he meant ‘Jesus could absolutely return as AI.’
this unknown twitterer says it far better than I ever could.
as someone who attended high school in the early 1970s and had many friends with older brothers, I can confirm that this is 100% true.
December 22: always be grifting
we should check in with Erika Kirk, the widow of misshapen garden gnome Charlie Kirk. she’s been though some shit lately. what’s that, Erika? you’ve got a ‘holiday season message’ for us?
“HOLIDAY MESSAGE: @MrsErikaKirk shares her — and what would have been Charlie’s — holiday season message: ‘Just rest…Love on your babies. Love on your family members. Life is short.’ Find Charlie Kirk’s final work, ‘Stop, in the Name of God,’ at http://45Books.com.”
hang on, did Erika actually end that message with a book plug? oh yes, she fucking well did!
so, apparently, the five stages of MAGA grief are denial, anger, podcasting, publicly making out with JD Vance, and selling merch.
just in case Erika Kirk profiting off her husband’s murder doesn’t creep you out enough, here’s another fun thing the Garden Gnomists™ have done.
yup, they’ve recreated the tent where the misshapen gnome was assassinated — and the cultists are all invited to take selfies in it. how fucktacularly ghoulish is that?
you know where they got this brilliant idea to fetishize tragedy, don’t you? from Dear Leader, who has turned an entire wall at the White House into a shrine to his Miracle Ear Nicking.
who the fuck does that?
that puts a wrap on 2025, folks. have a non-stupid New Year’s Eve!
this is going to be my closing message for the foreseeable future:
practice self-care. do what you need to do to keep sane. if that means you need to disengage with my daily posts for a while, I get it. this community of ours will still be here when you return.
to all the people who have signed on in the days since the election, welcome aboard. settle in as we all try to deal with the shitfuckery that’s ahead of us.
we are all in this together, and we are all here for each other.
The Year in Stupid From Tiedrich (Part 1)
As if we needed any reminder of how horrible this year has been…
as another stupid year comes to a close in America, let’s remember some of the dumbest fucking shit that happened.
note: this is a long post. some email apps — gmail in particular — may truncate it. if this happens to you, click “view entire message” or “view in browser” or go here to see the entire post.
January 8: y-m-c-aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay
here’s a MAGA moron who could teach a master class in how not to drive. in fact, schools should show this clip in driver’s ed classes — as a cautionary tale. just check out this extensive list of don’ts.
— don’t drive recklessly on snow-covered roads.
— don’t hold your phone in one hand while driving recklessly on snow-covered roads.
— don’t sing M-A-G-A to the tune of Y-M-C-A while holding your phone in one hand while driving recklessly on snow-covered roads.
— and, for fuck’s sake, don’t announce that “God has cleared a path for us today” JUST BEFORE YOU CRASH YOUR CAR because you were singing M-A-G-A to the tune of Y-M-C-A while holding your phone in one hand while driving recklessly on snow-covered roads.
— lastly, don’t post your dumb-assery to social media, unless you get off on being mercilessly mocked by the entire world.
know what? I think Mr. Retribution himself, God, zapped this fucker for being a dipshit.
January 20: the what now?
banning TikTok was bad enough, but now these puritanical fucksnoots have gone way too far.
January 27: we don’t need no edumacation
America, meet your new dumbed-down-as-fuckWhite House Press Corps. Donny’s press office has been doling out credentials to various wingnut noise machine randos — people like Natalie Winters, the co-host of one-man leper colony Steve Bannon’s War Room podcast. that’s right, Rotting Stevie Three-Shirts now has eyes and ears in the White House press room.
look how proud Natalie is to show up for her first day of work.
notice anything weird about that tweet? maybe Natalie’s creative spelling of the word correspondent?
typos are not necessarily stupid. we all make them, all the time. what’s totally fucking stupid is not deleting that tweet and posting a correction. five days later, it’s still in her feed. journamolism at its finest.
February 20: punctuation, how does it work?
a picture is worth a thousand words, so feast your eyes on a bunch of grown-ass men wearing jackets bearing the words “Born to Ride Donald J. Trump.”
who wants to tell them?
February 21: instant karma’s gonna get you
it’s been a shitty week, so let’s just sit back and enjoy pardoned Proud Boy Enrique Tarrio smacking the phone out of some woman’s hand and then immediately getting arrested for assault, handcuffed and carted away.
as the assaulted woman puts it,
“you don’t get to just put your hands on people. you don’t get to come here and do whatever the fuck you want. you just assaulted me, and now you’re getting arrested. good fucking job, you idiot. you pathetic piece of shit.”
she’s right, isn’t she, John Lennon?
February 27: nice try
Alexa, can grinding your jaw be a sign that you’ve hoovered way too much coke?
Cocaine jaw, also known as “coke jaw,” is a common side effect of cocaine use. It refers to the uncontrollable grinding of teeth and repetitive clenching of the jaw often observed in individuals who misuse cocaine.
oh gee.
Alexa, can putting your hand not quite to your mouth and then pretending you’re chewing on something be an effective way of masking that you’re coked to the fucking gills?
I’m going to go with no.
March 6: the flight of the Enola Homosexual
gather ’round, children, Uncle Jeff is going to read you the story of Enola, the Very Gay Airplane. it goes like this:
once upon a time, there was this ahem alleged sexual-assaulting christofascist named Piss-Drunk Pete Kegstand.
Pete was the Big Boss of the United States military. now, Pete loved the military and he loved men — but not all men. Pete only loved the manliest of men. he hated any man who wasn’t among the manliest of manly men.
now, Pete was very afraid that if his manly army of the very manliest manly men accidentally caught a glimpse of the wrong sort of word — for instance, a word like ‘gay’ — they might go a little funny in the head, and get bad ideas. and so Pete directed his military to remove all the wrong sorts of words from their files.
and that’s how the US military ended up removing photos of the Enola Gay — the plane that dropped the first atomic bomb on Japan — from its archives.
look, you imbeciles: the Enola Gay wasn’t called that because it was a boy plane that was really into other boy planes. the plane was named after Enola Gay Tibbets — the mother of Col. Paul Tibbets, its pilot.
I suppose if dear old Enola wanted a plane named after her, she should have had the decency to be named Enola Incredibly Straight Tibbets.
March 14: who would Jesus date?
christofascist pastor Joel Webbon finds himself in a bit of a sticky wicket. you see, he was hoping to sell tickets to a Christian singles event, and it seems that he’s now having to give them away for free, because … well, let’s let Joel explain.
“…completely free, and also the admission cost to the singles event. we are hoping to fill up our singles event, and finding godly Christian single women has been, well, I’ll just say, much more difficult than finding godly Christian single men.”
now comes the part where we throw back our heads in laughter.
no one could have predicted this. really weird how a bunch of unpleasant misogynistic god-botherers can’t find any women who want to attend their Incelpalooza.
hey, Pastor Joel — I’m playing gospel hits for you, on the world’s tiniest violin.
April 3: how obsequious is this?
here’s what happens when you take Graham Allen, a rando MAGA podcaster, and give him a job as the Department of Defense’s ‘digital media director’:
“How AMAZING is this?!? President Trump just stepped off Marine One and got into a golf cart at the LIV Golf League tournament.”
Graham, I’ve got North Korean State TV on the phone. they’re saying to tone it down, your praise of Dear Leader is waaaaaaay too over the top.
but please, riddle me this: what the fuck is so amazing? is it that Donny didn’t waddle about with toilet paper stuck to his shoe? (October 4, 2018)
is it that a furious Slovenian rent-a-wife didn’t jump into the cart in before Donny could, and make him take the next one? (January 20, 2024)
is it that Sundowning Grandpa Befuddlepants didn’t get lost on his way to the cart, and have to be guided back to it by a secret service agent? (July 6, 2017)
or is it just amazing that this dilapidated old toad —
— was able to walk twenty feet without his heart exploding?
opinion among the commenters under that not-tweet, by the way, was split between ‘yes, this is amazing’and ‘Dear Leader isn’t being fascist enough.’
April 15: oopsies!
Donny Convict’s presidential activities can be sorted into two categories: the Fucking Up Of Shit and the Standing Next To Of Athletes. Donny loves to stand next to sports dudes. anyone who wins anything, they get invited to the White House so that weak and insecure Donny can preen with them and pretend that he’s a winner, too.
on April 15, Donny must have been too busy with the Fucking Up Of Shit part of his job, because he outsourced the Standing Next To Of Athletes business to his veep.
did hilarity ensue? it sure as fuck did — because Couchfuck McGee fumbled that shit on live TV.
oh my god, JD — you had ONE JOB: picking up a championship trophy and handing it off to members of the Ohio State Buckeyes. but you couldn’t manage it without breaking the trophy in two and letting it fall from your stubby mitts.
why do they keep letting this doughy pantload out in public? is there one time when he hasn’t screwed the pooch?
hey, let’s gif that shit, for posterity’s sake — and let’s slow it way the fuck down, and wring every drop of stupid from it.
if that’s not a metaphor for Donny’s entire presidency, I don’t know what is.
April 24: go forth and multipl— never mind
America’s christofascist dipshits have been working overtime to convince the nation’s ahem white women to boom out as many ahem white babies as possible. they’re throwing everything at the wall, just to see what sticks. let’s pay them five large to get themselves knocked up. no, wait — let’s give them medals for having six or more kids. (I’m not making this up!)
but of course, no national program to get ahem whitewomen to start fuckin’ with gusto would be complete without the distribution of ludicrous AI-generated slop.
you’ve got your godly marching orders, America’s ahem white women: get to work making sons — because apparently daughters are anathema to His Eye.
speaking of eyes, do yourself a huge favor — don’t zoom in on any of the faces.
also: what the fuck is going on behind the preggobabes? a bald eagle standing guard over a garden-gnome-sized Jesus wearing running shoes?
a brief note to whoever is responsible for this image: eagles are carrion birds. they eat dead things. is Mister Baldie here waiting for Microscopic Jesus to die, so he can chow down? is that really the message you’re intending to send to America’s fertile payload?
while we’re on the subject of horribly-rendered christofascist AI art, what prompt was input in order to come up with this abomination?
“AI, generate for me the dorkiest couple possible, and make sure the woman looks no older than twelve”?
and remember, guys: when Jesus comes to hook you up with your child bride, have your red baseball cap at the ready.
eww. these people are seriously sick.
this is going to be my closing message for the foreseeable future:
practice self-care. do what you need to do to keep sane. if that means you need to disengage with my daily posts for a while, I get it. this community of ours will still be here when you return.
to all the people who have signed on in the days since the election, welcome aboard. settle in as we all try to deal with the shitfuckery that’s ahead of us.
we are all in this together, and we are all here for each other.
No Tiedrich Today
Not because Jeff didn’t post; it’s because I read through it and I just can’t.
I’m sure I’ll continue next week.
Meanwhile, enjoy knowing that Elonia fucked up big time:
Last Minute Gift Idea!
A Different Kind Of Triptych
OMG!
From Mock Paper Scissors:
OK, guys, this is gross and I’m sorry/not sorry to be writing about it, but it is important.
Yikes – no wonder the DOJ is scrambling to tell us not to believe what’s in the files about Trump.
www.mediaite.com/media/news/o…
— The Tennessee Holler (@thetnholler.bsky.social) December 23, 2025 at 6:50 AM
CNN has more on the Epstein-Nassar letter here, but here’s the important part:
“Dear L.N.,” the letters reads, “As you know by now, I have taken the ‘short route’ home. Good luck! We shared one thing … our love and caring for young ladies and the hope they’d reach their full potential. Our President also shares our love of young, nubile girls.” The letter makes another lewd reference to Trump’s treatment of women.
“Life is unfair,” the letter reads.
Q: is “I have taken the ‘short route’ home” some sort of euphemism saying he was killing himself?
Merde-a-Lardo itself was subpoena’ed:
Prosecutors subpoenaed Mar-a-Lago for employment records in Maxwell case
The Mar-a-Lago club was subpoenaed to produce documents in the case of United States v. Ghislaine Maxwell on Nov. 29, 2021, according to a copy of the subpoena included in the new files.
The subpoena demanded “Any and all employment records relating to [redacted].”
It is not clear who appeared on the club’s behalf.
Maxwell, a longtime associate of Epstein, was convicted of sex trafficking in 2021 and is serving a 20-year prison sentence.
“The FBI received a tip in October 2020 that appears to be from an unidentified female who said she had information about a ‘Jeffrey Epstein party’ in 2000. The person’s information is redacted in the FBI’s summary of the tip, which is included in the new files.”
“The woman alleged that someone named Ghislaine Lisa Villeneuve brought her to the party. Later, someone said that Donald Trump had invited everyone to Mar-A-Lago, according to the tipster.”
And here’s the document itself embedded as an image in this tweet.
Meanwhile, Morning Joe is carrying water for his old pal:
Scarborough: “Trump is not on Epstein’s list. There’s nothing in there really damning about Trump or Bill Clinton. So one of the great mysteries is not what Trump’s hiding, it’s why if he’s not in the files – which all the reporting says he’s not – why is he so obsessed on blocking access to them?”
— Aaron Rupar (@atrupar.com) December 22, 2025 at 7:21 AM
But Will He Ever Face Any Accountability For It?
Quote Of The Day
Keep Reminding Yourself…
AND EVERYONE KNOWS IT
You’re not fooling anyone.
Monday Tiedrich
it may be Christmas Week in America, but dumbfuckery never takes a day off. yesterday was so chock full of stupid that who even knows where to start? we’re just going to have to spin the Big Wheel of Moron once again, and see where it lands. ready? here we go.
oh, lucky us. the damned thing landed on Vice President Couchfuck McGee.
is there some kind of Nobel Prize for being repellent? could we get FIFA maybe to work on one? because our favorite furniture fornicator would be a lock to win such a thing — hands-down, year after year.
Couchfuck was at Turning Point’s ‘Americafest’ yesterday. check out the word-adjacent mouth-sounds that seeped out of the doughy pantload’s face.
“in the United States of America you don’t have to apologize for being white anymore.”
oh, thank god. finally — all those centuries of oppression are over for white people.
what the fuck is JD gibbering about? ‘I can’t believe I had to apologize for being white,’ said no white person ever — because it’s not a thing.
white people have been at the top of America’s food chain since day one — and yet, no one ever went broke selling MAGA on the fever-swamp fantasy that it’s the white people who are the real victims. it’s the easiest grift in the world. just tell these shitwits that all their problems are the fault of immigrants, or women, or the transgendered, and they’ll shut their brains and open their wallets.
Couchfuck’s Hindu wife Usha sure looks thrilled to be married to a guy who eagerly tossed away his reputation as a well-respected author and embraced his inner Nazi.
wow, CBS’ flagship news show 60 Minutes is doing a segment on that notorious Salvadoran slave-labor gulag that Donny’s fascist thugs have been disappearing innocent immigrants into.
check out the trailer.
“it began as soon as the planes landed. the deportees thought they were headed from the US back to Venezuela — but instead, they were shackled, paraded in front of cameras, and delivered to CECOT, the notorious maximum security prison in El Salvador, where they told 60 Minutes they endured four months of hell.”
holy shit, this looks awesome. Donny’s massive abuse of human rights is an important story, and we should all be looking forward to seeing it.
oh no, wait, we can’t see it — because hours before it was set to air yesterday evening, CBS yanked the episode from their broadcast schedule.
what the actual fuck?
here’s the actual fuck: the decision to shitcan the segment was made by Bari Weiss, the MAGAfied head of CBS News.
CBS announced the change three hours before the broadcast, a highly unusual last-minute switch. The decision was made after Bari Weiss, the new editor in chief of CBS News, requested numerous changes to the segment. CBS News said in a statement that the segment would air at a later date and “needed additional reporting.”
Bari was just doing the job that her corporate overlords at Paramount had hired her to do: ensure that anything critical of Dear Leader never sees the light of day.
But Sharyn Alfonsi, the veteran “60 Minutes” correspondent who reported the segment, rejected that criticism in a private note to CBS colleagues on Sunday, in which she accused CBS News of pulling the segment for “political” reasons.
no shit, the segment was pulled for political reasons. that’s the whole reason Bari Weiss was hired — to pull CBS News all the way to the extreme right, turning it into a sort of Fox News for people who know which fork is for salad.
even the once-respected Margaret Brennan has now been reduced to carrying water for Donny’s sewer clowns.
here’s Brennan yesterday, defending the DOJ’s Dead Pedo Bestie Files fuckery — and insulting the intelligence of her guests, Ro Khanna and Thomas Massie.
“this isn’t everything you asked for just yet, but would you acknowledge that they are complying with the spirit if not the intent of your law?”
oh come the fuck on, how can Brennan even ask such a question?
Jake Tapper, can you come in here for a second and show us what the Brennan considers ‘complying with the spirit of the law’?
the pre-Weiss Brennan would have never taken Donny’s side on any issue. she would have nailed Pam Bondi to the wall and ripped her several new one. but she’s now traded her reputation as a serious journalist for a handful of Paramount’s magic beans. I hope it was worth it, Meg.
Weiss, CBS News and their new overlords at Paramount are being short-sighted — because when all this is over, we’re not going to forgive the institutions that failed us.
fascist regimes come, and fascist regimes go. when this current nightmare finally runs its course, no one is going to say ‘wasn’t it awesome how CBS slobbered all over Dear Leader’s shoes?’
the institutions we’re going to look back on with admiration will be the ones who stood up said ‘take your fascist bullshit and stick it where the sun don’t shine.’
and we’re going to fucking well remember who the cowards were.
oh look, Bari Weiss isn’t finished with us. apparently, she wants to play a round of ‘easy questions, easy answers.’
“has feminism failed women?”
no. fuck no.
but CBS News has failed us all. congratulations, Bari, you’ve clownfucked CBS into irrelevancy.
now let’s sit back for an episode of Gas Leak Theater with Ezra Klein and The New York Times.
“In @nytopinion: ‘A year ago, we kept hearing that Trump was cool. Is anyone saying that now?’ the columnist Ezra Klein writes.”
excuse me, who was saying Donny was cool, aside from Ezra Klein and his dipshit colleagues in the chattering class? was MAGA saying Donny’s cool? no one fucking listens to them. they wear diapers.
Ezra, you need to get out more. go talk to some real people for a change.
being a Times pundit must be the sweetest gig in the multiverse. it doesn’t matter how wrong you are. it doesn’t matter if your premise is as bone-headed as they come. just shit out whatever comes to mind, and boom! you’re a legend.
remember this abomination?
that was nine and a half years ago. Maureen Dowd still has her job, shitting her drek all over the Times op-ed page. yeah, let’s ask all those Venezuelan sailors how dovish Donny is. oh wait, we can’t.
but I digress. let’s address Ezra Klein’s premise, that Preznit Fuckwit is cool.
tell me, Ezra, is this cool?
maybe — just maybe — if you’re one of those invisible giraffes Donny never tires of jerking off, it’s cool. otherwise? yeesh.
now here’s cool:
this is going to be my closing message for the foreseeable future:
practice self-care. do what you need to do to keep sane. if that means you need to disengage with my daily posts for a while, I get it. this community of ours will still be here when you return.
to all the people who have signed on in the days since the election, welcome aboard. settle in as we all try to deal with the shitfuckery that’s ahead of us.
we are all in this together, and we are all here for each other.
Vomiting It All Up
Sunday Tiedrich
We the People are being shit on again.
it was bad enough when Friday’s deadline came and went without Donny Convict’s corrupt Department of Justice releasing the full Epstein Files, as they were required to by law.
it was bad enough when the DOJ served us a slice of Go Fuck Yourself Pie by releasing less than one percent of the documents in their possession.
it was bad enough when hundreds upon hundreds of the documents they didrelease were completely blacked out and unreadable.
it was bad enough when it became obvious that what was released had been carefully curated to ensure there were almost zero references to Dear Leader.
but things just got a whole lot worse — because these lawless fucks are now memory-holing the shit they did release.
NEW YORK (AP) — At least 16 files disappeared from the Justice Department’s public webpage for documents related to Jeffrey Epstein — including a photograph showing President Donald Trump — less than a day after they were posted, with no explanation from the government and no notice to the public.
stuff that was already on line is now disappearing — ‘with no explanation’ — because fuck you, that’s why. what part of ‘memory hole’ do you need explained to you?
fortunately for us, the internet never forgets — so we can give you at least one explanation:
someone done fucked up and accidentally posted a photo of Dear Leader posing with bikini-clad teenagers.
here’s ‘photo 468’ from the original collection that was posted on Friday.
let’s zoom in on the bottom left of that pic.
oh my. some bleary-eyed FBI Special Agent who’d spent a month working 20-hour days, scouring every photo for appearances of Dear Leader, missed this one.
photo 468 is now gone. if you click on the directory listing for it, you get an error message.
hey, it’s pretty weird how Jeffrey Epstein kept photos of Donny with teenage girls in his desk drawer, isn’t it? you don’t suppose Donny’s dead pedo bestie was planning on using that shit as kompromat, do you?
all these people fucking suck.
here’s another photo that got scrubbed from the DOJ web site.
why? this photo has been in the public domain for years. we’ve all seen it a hundred times.
meanwhile, Donny’s minions are doing their best to smear Bill Clinton as the real criminal in the Epstein Saga. they front-loaded the first batch of the Dead Pedo Bestie Files with as many photos of Bill as they could.
here’s White House Deputy Press Secretary Abigail Johnson, gleefully implying that Clinton and Michael Jackson were cavorting with ‘victims and/or minors.’
“Per the Epstein Files Transparency Act, DOJ was specifically instructed only to redact the faces of victims and/or minors. Here is a picture of Bill Clinton with his arm around Michael Jackson, and redacted individuals.”
for fuck’s sake, this photo doesn’t even have anything to do with Jeffrey Epstein. it’s Clinton with Michael Jackson and his children, and Diana Ross and her son, taken at a fundraiser in DC in 2003.
look, if Bill Clinton was doing sick shit with minors, nail his ass to the wall. chuck him the fuck into prison and throw away the key. I don’t think you’ll find one person on the left who would say anything different. but don’t you dare gun up fake evidence.
that’s the difference between us and them. we want justice, no matter where the chips fall. they want Dear Leader protected at all costs.
tell me, when Donny sent that birthday card to his dead pedo bestie with the poem about the ‘wonderful secrets they shared,’ do you think this is what he was talking about?
here’s another question: do words even have meanings any more? I ask, because look at the twaddle Pam Bondi posted to Elon’s Nazi Bar. she’s proud of her fuckery. she’s calling the release of heavily-redacted documents ‘transparency.’
President Trump is leading the most transparent administration in American history.
By moving to unseal these documents, we hope to give the American people more answers about that fateful day in Butler, Pennsylvania. https://t.co/v7iH9sfpiW
— Attorney General Pamela Bondi (@AGPamBondi) December 20, 2025
cool story, Pam. let’s fact-check your claim of ‘transparency.’
congratulations are in order — because Pam’s outdone George Orwell.
to ‘war is peace,’ ‘ignorance is strength,’ and ‘freedom is slavery,’ we can now add ‘censorship is transparency.’
look at what else these DOJ fucksticks did: they forced Jake Tapper to commit a journalism. he hates it when he has to do that shit.
come on, people. Jake doesn’t want to be scrolling though his phone, showing you redacted files. he’s got sixteen more books to write about how Joe Biden is icky and old and smells bad and probably doesn’t even realize that he’s already dead.
“talk about blacking out, I don’t know if we can get a close-up of my phone. this is one of the documents that the Justice Department released. it’s a hundred pages. this is what it looks like. it’s all black. it’s just one hundred pages of redaction. that’s the ‘transparency’ we’re getting here.”
let’s gif that shit for posterity’s sake.
Pam Bondi’s DOJ was required by law — one that Dear Leader signed — to release everything by December 19. there were no if, and, or buts. the law didn’t say if it was too hard to get the job done in time — let’s say because there were so many references to Donny that had to be scrubbed — they get a mulligan.
they’re not supposed to crap out some unreadable tiny fraction of the files and pinky-swear to release the rest of it any day now.
oh, look at me — flapping my futile gums about what these shitstains aren’tsupposed to do.
they’re not supposed to slap Dear Leader’s name on the Kennedy Center. they’re not supposed to detain US citizens for the crime of having the wrong color skin. they’re not supposed to have the military occupy American cities. and they’re sure as fuck not supposed to murder Venezuelan sailors for the high crime of being in a boat.
unfortunately, legal accountability for suppressing the Dead Pedo Bestie Files is going to be hard to come by. sure, Congress could submit a criminal referral for obstruction of justice — but do you know who any such referral would be sent to? Pam Bondi. good luck with that.
but here’s one workable option that’s already on the table: impeach the living shit out of Bondi.
“DEVELOPING: Reps. Ro Khanna and Thomas Massie say they’re drafting articles of impeachment against AG Pam Bondi over the illegal handling of the Epstein files. This just escalated fast. Accountability is coming.”
sounds like a plan.
hey Pam, you want to avoid that? fine, here’s all you have to do: release the full, unedited Epstein Files, you fucking liar.
this is going to be my closing message for the foreseeable future:
practice self-care. do what you need to do to keep sane. if that means you need to disengage with my daily posts for a while, I get it. this community of ours will still be here when you return.
to all the people who have signed on in the days since the election, welcome aboard. settle in as we all try to deal with the shitfuckery that’s ahead of us.
we are all in this together, and we are all here for each other.
WT Actual F?
Fuck This Bullshit
She’s not called Bullshit Barbie for nothin’ ya know…
The Week In Stupid
monday: ’tis the season to be batshit
Christmas is mere days away, so let’s take a peek into the MAGAsphere and see how they’ve been decking their halls.
now there’s a role model.
‘look darlings, it’s Dear Leader’s mug shot.’
what’s a mug shot, mommy?
‘it’s the photo they took of Dear Leader the day he was arrested in Fulton County, Georgia, for election fraud.’
what’s election fraud, mommy?
MAGA, I beg of you — please don’t do this to your children. they’re young and innocent. don’t fill their heads with your psychotic hero worship. give them the space to grow up and make their own mistakes. they don’t need to repeat yours. trust me, it will be fewer hours spent in therapy when they’re adults.
hey, you know who else headed up a cult that encouraged its children to worship in front of loyalty shrines of their supreme leader? of course you do.
tuesday: don we now our what kind of apparel
perhaps MAGA’s spiritual leaders have a better handle on the true holiday spirit. let’s check in with Pastor Hank Kunneman and see how he’s been ’tis-the-seasoning.
“how ’bout when he told the disciples and said ‘hey, go tell Herod, the fox.’ now that word, ‘fox,’ was not ‘oh, go tell that sly guy,’ no, the literal translation of ‘sly fox’ is basically someone who is bisexual. I’ve heard some people use the word faggot — that it literally meant to call out Herod’s sexual immorality.”
oh lovely, Pastor Hank has conjured up Homophobic Slur Jesus — the one who filled his supplicants’ ears with hateful crap like ‘don’t love thy neighbor, that shit’s gay as fuck.’
now, I freely admit that I’m no religious scholar. I don’t know dick about if Herod had a hankering for dicks. maybe Pastor Hank knows something I don’t. so I googled it, just to make sure — because I’m a responsible journalist and everything.
“how ’bout when he told the disciples and said ‘hey, go tell Herod, the fox.’ now that word, ‘fox,’ was not ‘oh, go tell that sly guy,’ no, the literal translation of ‘sly fox’ is basically someone who is bisexual. I’ve heard some people use the word faggot — that it literally meant to call out Herod’s sexual immorality.”
oh lovely, Pastor Hank has conjured up Homophobic Slur Jesus — the one who filled his supplicants’ ears with hateful crap like ‘don’t love thy neighbor, that shit’s gay as fuck.’
now, I freely admit that I’m no religious scholar. I don’t know dick about if Herod had a hankering for dicks. maybe Pastor Hank knows something I don’t. so I googled it, just to make sure — because I’m a responsible journalist and everything.
wednesday: deck the halls with boughs of wait a minute
fuck these young upstarts like Pastor Hank. they’re too steeped in MAGA to be of any use to anyone. let’s go old-school, and see what Franklin Graham’s been up to.
here’s the Frankster, giving a pep talk at the Department of War (his words, not mine).
“but did you know that God also hates? do you know that God also is a God of war? many people don’t want to think about that.”
oh for fuck’s sake, it’s Christmas time. what kind of ’tis-the-seasonmessaging is that?
come on bro, that’s the old testament god, the one who hates. yeah, he’s a bit of a dick, always raining down plagues and smiting the shit out of his enemies and whatnot.
why is Franklin Graham harshing our mellow with that shit? that’s not what Christmas is all about. bro, we’re doing Jesus this month. you know, the new testament guy. the ‘prince of peace’ who threw all that hate stuff out the window. the feed-the-poor-and-help-the-needy homey. the love-thy-neighbordude. get with the program already, Frank.
I’m a Jew, dammit. how did it become my job to explain to these shitkazoos how Christianity works? this is way beyond my pay-grade.
oh, and I’ve got a news flash for Reverend Graham — it’s not the Department of War. it’s the Department of Flipping a Skateboard Into Your Own Nuts.
thursday: troll the ancient yule-tide excuse me now?
this is getting frustrating. doesn’t anyone in the MAGAverse understand the true meaning of Christmas?
oh wait — here’s the Department of Homeland security with a surprisingly appropriate and heartfelt message: ‘go home for the holidays.’
awwww, isn’t that sweet? how nice that— [taps earpiece] hang on, I’m being told that if you click the link in that tweet, it takes you to a page for ‘self-deporting.’
fuck me, are you serious with this shit?
can’t you racists give your hateful bullshit a rest for one week? is that really too much to ask?
come on, it’s Christmas. the holiday celebrating the birth of Jesus, the immigrant with the Spanish name who, if he left the door open and you said to him, ‘hey Jesus, were you born in a barn?’ he would literally answer yes.
no one encouraged Joseph and Mary to click the link to self-deport. if they did, we wouldn’t even have a fucking holiday.
look at me. once again, it’s the Jew who has to explain Christmas. is the whole world on crazy pills?
but they pinky-swore that they would make some Pedo Files available by the end of the day.
the fucking idiot then went ahead and had his accursed name added to the Kennedy Center building — despite being prohibited by law from doing so.
and because apparently no one in the White House understands how grammar works, the name of the building is now The Donald J. Trump And The John F. Kennedy Memorial Center For The Performing Arts.
my god, they’re all just as fucking idiotic as the fucking idiot.
you know who else appropriated a beloved cultural institution and made it a monument to his own vanity, don’t you? of course you do.
oh look! the DOJ actually released a handful of Dead Pedo Bestie files — which was awesome, except for the part where hundreds upon hundreds of pages were completely redacted.
thank you so much, DOJ!
by the way, while every other news outlet was poring over the Dead Pedo Bestie Files, here’s what Fox News was covering.
the fucking idiot then boarded Idiot Force One to spend Christmas Week at his vermin-infested Florida golf model.
on the way down to Motel-a-Lago, he stopped in off in North Carolina to give a very dignified and presidential speech, during which he waxed romantic about his Slovenian rent-a-wife’s panties.
and not one worthless scribbler of the corporate-controlled media stood up to ask ‘what the fuck is wrong with you?’
how fucking idiotic is that?
this is going to be my closing message for the foreseeable future:
practice self-care. do what you need to do to keep sane. if that means you need to disengage with my daily posts for a while, I get it. this community of ours will still be here when you return.
to all the people who have signed on in the days since the election, welcome aboard. settle in as we all try to deal with the shitfuckery that’s ahead of us.
we are all in this together, and we are all here for each other.
And Another Week Draws To A Close
“I mean, it’s one banana, Michael. what could it cost? ten dollars?”
— Lucille Bluth, Arrested Development
never underestimate the ability of Donny Convict’s toadies to be both evil and buffoonish at the same time.
yesterday, the crackpots in charge of healthcare — Bobby Brainworms and the Shitblizzard of Oz — announced that they were banning gender-affirming care for minors. that’s the evil part.
now get ready for the clownfuckery. here’s Oz, uttering a sentence you probably never thought you’d hear during an official government press event.
“shockingly, a phalloplasty, the creation of a penis, costs on average in America, according to this data, high quality, $150,000 per child. these prices have continued to increase with increasing manufactured demand … you add testicles, that’s extra.”
apparently, the price of peeners is on the rise. who even knew penis inflationwas a thing? and not the fun kind of penis inflation. is this something we can blame on Sleepy Joe Biden?
a hundred and fifty grand for a weenus — a high-quality weenus, at that. because who wants a low-quality unit? spare no expense, I say! who wants people going ‘what the fuck is that’ every time you drop trou?
but come on — let’s get real. who’s paying retail for penises?
look, everyone knows someone. if you really need a trouser hog that bad, there’s always a guy who can hook you up.
even Marjorie Three Toes Greene knows where to find a dick.
and don’t get me started on Handy Oakley.
this pathological obsession Republicans have about what inside everyone’s underwear is downright creepy.
so now they’re meddling with gender-affirming care. why? because fuck you, that’s why. because they can. because they’re terrified of the very idea of anyone who isn’t straight, white and cis.
none of these hatemongers have the slightest idea what they’re talking about. listen to Whalehead McChainaw, droning on about shit that’s way beyond his ability to comprehend.
“So-called gender affirming care has inflicted lasting physical and psychological damage on vulnerable young people,” Kennedy said. “This is not medicine. It is malpractice.”
you’ll be shocked to learn that actual medical professionals were all ‘shut your ignorant mouth, Bobby.’
The American Academy of Pediatrics pushed back strongly against HHS’s actions.
“These policies and proposals misconstrue the current medical consensus and fail to reflect the realities of pediatric care and the needs of children and families,” said AAP President Dr. Susan J. Kressly.
over to you, Charlotte Clymer, to explain what’s really going on here.
“The science behind gender-affirming care has been endorsed by every major medical organization. This isn’t about science or medicine. It’s about the discomfort many non-trans people feel over the *existence* of trans people.”
exactly. I’m so tired of being ruled over by a fucktangle of bigoted know-nothings, inflicting their own childish insecurities on the rest of us.
why is anyone even listening to nut-jobs like Brainworms and Oz? why are they using the price of something as an excuse to set policy? they’re out of touch. they’re morbidly wealthy shitwits who have no idea what anythingshould cost.
gender-affirming care is not the healthcare issue our government needs to be focusing on right now. here’s a real problem that’s in dire need of solving:
there’s a measles epidemic in this country right now. measles, for fuck’s sake. an easily-preventable disease which we had already eradicated in America.
thanks in no small part to Bobby Brainworms’ own crackpot notions about vaccines, we now have almost 2,000 actives cases of the measles in the US right now. that’s up from nearly zero just a few years ago — and the number is increasing every day.
isn’t doing something about that more important than fixating over what’s going on inside some teenager’s underwear?
please leave these people alone. just let them be who they want to be.
let me highlight just how much we’re being governed by crackpots. here’s a fun fact about Dr. Oz. did you know that he considers himself a bit of a connoisseur when it comes to guzzling piss?
Dr. Mehmet Oz once claimed that medical schools force prospective doctors to drink human urine as part of their training. In an old interview with late-night host Jimmy Kimmel that resurfaced over the weekend, the GOP’s Senate nominee in Pennsylvania elaborated on a seemingly lifelong personal fascination with all things pee.
Oz elaborated in his interview with Kimmel, saying that urine can be helpful to diagnose various illnesses and conditions. “A diabetic’s [urine] tastes like wine, cherry wine,” Oz told a bewildered Kimmel.
fact check: what the fuck is Oz talking about?
No medical school requires students to taste urine, unlike what Dr. Oz may have said previously.
— Zachary Rubin, MD (@rubin_allergy) October 16, 2022
yet Oz is out here tossing back tankards of fresh bladder juice like it’s going out of style, and acting as if it were perfectly normal.
speaking of dumbfucks who have no idea what they’re doing when it comes to healthcare policy, look at what our Crackpot-in-Chief is up to.
reporter: “more than 20 million Americans are now bracing for their premiums to skyrocket.”
Donny: “they will skyrocket because it was never any good.”
healthcare is a mess in this country because Donny doesn’t actually want to fix anything. he loves it when shit goes sideways. he’s a chaos-junkie who gets off on breaking everything, and then blaming it on someone else.
fixing shit is hard. bread-and-circuses dumbfuckery is easy — and Donny’s come up with a perfectly useless spectacle that he hopes will distact us all from how fucked up everything is.
“in the fall we will host the first ever Patriot Games, an unprecedented four-day athletic event featuring the greatest high school athletes — one young man and one young woman from each state and territory.”
now hold on there just one goddamned minute.
if the idea of ‘American teenagers from each state competing against each other for the amusement of a government of obscenely wealthy autocrats who rule over a nation of poverty-stricken peons’ sounds familiar to you, that’s because it’s the premise of the dystopian novel (and movie) The Hunger Games.
except in The Hunger Games, the teenagers battle each other to the death.
oh shit, I probably shouldn’t even say that out loud. let’s not give Dear Leader any ideas.
lastly, happy Dead Pedo Bestie Files Release Day to all who observe.
this is going to be my closing message for the foreseeable future:
practice self-care. do what you need to do to keep sane. if that means you need to disengage with my daily posts for a while, I get it. this community of ours will still be here when you return.
to all the people who have signed on in the days since the election, welcome aboard. settle in as we all try to deal with the shitfuckery that’s ahead of us.
we are all in this together, and we are all here for each other.
Profile In Courage
DAMN IT!
I knew this was too good to be true. If it had really happened it would’ve been all over the media.
From Snopes.com:
The rumor, however, was false. Cassella did not say what the posts claimed she did, and the interaction never took place. There was no watermark on the image most widely spread so it is not clear what social media account made the original claim, but the earliest post we could find appeared on Dec. 4.
We reached out to CNBC seeking comment on the alleged incident, and we will update this story if we receive a response.
Cassella, who was as of this writing a reporter for CNBC covering business and politics, posted on X in September 2025 (archived) that she was beginning her maternity leave, which would last through the end of the year. Her Sept. 19 post was the most recent post available on her X page, and her most recent publication on the CNBC website, as of this writing, was dated Sept. 11.
A Google search of the keywords “Sir, you are the president, not God,” revealed only posts or fact-checks related to the false rumor:
Vomiting It All Up
Thursday Tiedrich
what. the fuck. was that?
here’s what we were promised: a prime-time address to the nation, in which the President of the United States would soberly tout his achievements of the past year, and lay out his agenda for the future.
here’s what we got: some high-as-fuck shitwit, gibbering a mile a minute, gripping the podium for dear life, and barking out a non-stop barrage of obvious lies and nonsensical numbers.
“I negotiated directly with the drug companies, foreign nations, which were taking advantage of our country for many decades, to slash prices on drugs and pharmaceuticals by as much as four hundred, five hundred, and even six hundred percent. in other words, your drug costs will be plummeting downward.”
math, how does it work?
clearly, Donny and his handlers are in full panic mode. his approval numbers are in the shitter — so much so that even his own party is beginning to openly defy him. even Fox News can’t hide how toxic Donny’s become.
the magic is gone. no one but the braindeadest of his cultists believe his fever-swamp lies any more. I’m sorry, but you just can’t convince anyone who actually has to shop for groceries that prices are going down.
so what does Preznit Fuckwit do? he decides to go on TV and lie harder, and louder.
everything — and I mean everything — that came out of Donny’s rancid anus-mouth last night was a lie. he once again claimed to have ended eight wars. he hasn’t. he claimed tariffs have already brought eighteen trillion dollars into the US. they haven’t. he claimed things are already more affordable. ha fucking ha. he claimed everyone’s getting a tax cut. has he even read his own Big Stupid Bill?
the NY Times’ White House reporter pretty much threw in the towel
investigative journalist Adam Cochran actually did a fact-check, on not-twitter. look at this encyclopedia-length screed.
the big question of the night, though, was ‘what the fuck was Donny on?’ — because he was obviously hopped up on something. he seemed ready to jump out of his skin.
clearly, Donny’s handlers didn’t want him up there looking haggard and worn out, as he pretty much always does these days — but they over-corrected.
who knows what they pumped Dear Leader full of, but it was as if the squirrels that live inside Donny’s head were having a cocaine-fueled orgy.
so there was Little Donny Motormouth, yammering away at top speed — so much so that what should have been a half-hour speech was over in just about under eighteen minutes.
when all was said and done, experts agreed: what the fuck was that?
isn’t it heartening when Republicans and Democrats can reach across the aisle to shake hands and agree that Dear Leader is crazier than a shithouse rat?
tell me, is it bad when your own party knows you’ve shit the bed?
“Why is he yelling at us?” conservative talk radio host Erick Erickson said on X.
Said right-wing blogger Matt Walsh on X: “That was perhaps the most pointless prime time presidential address ever delivered in American history.”
is it worse when your cultists think you’re stark barking bonkers?
“Trump is speaking so fast he seems panicked,” supporter Trisha Hope posted online. “I’ve never seen him like this, and I have attended 42 of his rallies.”
High energy, great delivery, grand slam, home run on making the case that the best is yet to come.
— Lindsey Graham (@LindseyGrahamSC) December 18, 2025
what can one even say? the kompromat the have on Old Linz must really be something.
who even knew that Newt Gingrich was still alive? this ancient nitwit is so far past his sell-by date that I don’t think he even knows what planet he’s on.
Gingrich: I believe President Trump showed tonight that he’s prepared to be disciplined… if I were a Democrat, tonight would leave me very unnerved. pic.twitter.com/e73vzXF5CS
— Acyn (@Acyn) December 18, 2025
“I believe President Trump showed tonight that he’s prepared to focus, to be disciplined to communicate — and if I were a Democrat, tonight would leave me very unnerved.”
it’s always fun watch Newt run away from reality as if it were a sick wife in a hospital bed, isn’t it? Democrats aren’t unnerved after watching Donny blither. Democrats are laughing their asses off.
Donny’s in desperate need of a course-correction right now, but going on TV to repeat a bunch of drug-fueled lies isn’t going to do it. everyone who isn’t being paid to pretend otherwise knows he’s full of shit, and is doing nothing to make life easier for We the People.
and things are about to get so much worse.
it was a wild fucking ride in the Holy Mike’s House of Reps yesterday.
The House on Wednesday cleared a Republican health care package, 216-211, that does not extend the expiring Affordable Care Act (ACA) subsidies.
Four moderate Republicans who had earlier Wednesday bucked GOP leaders and signed a Democratic-backed discharge petition voted in favor of the health care package. Rep. Thomas Massie was the only Republican no vote.
the healthcare bill the House passed now goes to the Senate, where it’s expected to die.
as for the discharge petition that now forces a vote on restoring the ACA subsidies, House rules allow Holy Mike to delay the actual voting until after the new year.
Johnson’s assertion came after the four Republicans broke ranks and signed onto House Democratic Leader Hakeem Jeffries’ discharge petition, giving it the 218 signatures needed to force a vote, though that is not likely to occur until January 2026 at the earliest.
which means that for millions of Americans, healthcare is going to become unaffordable after January 1st, when the ACA subsidies expire.
I can’t wait for Donny to go on TV and try to lie his way out of that.
mind you, Holy Mike could hold a vote on restoring the ACA credits right now, if he wanted to — but here’s what he’s doing instead: adjourning the House for the rest of the year, after today’s session.
what’s that thing P.J. O’Rourke used to say? oh right:
“Republicans are the party that says government doesn’t work, and then they get elected and prove it.”
here’s the other thing that happened yesterday: FBI Deputy Director Danny Bingobongo quit. officially, he’s leaving after the start of the new year — but apparently, he’s already cleaned out his desk.
Bongino had quietly told confidants he planned to formally leave his job early in the new year and would not be returning to headquarters to work this month, according to eight people briefed on his account. He later confirmed the report on X.
it seems that Danny misses his old life as a grifter and podcast bro.
“Dan did a great job,” Trump told reporters earlier, when asked about reports that Bongino, a former Secret Service agent turned podcaster, planned to resign.
“I think he wants to go back to his show,” the president said.
so, Dan’s desk at FBI headquarters is already gathering dust.
that’s certainly interesting timing, isn’t it? because the Dead Pedo Bestie Files are being released tomorrow — and I don’t know about you, but I’m as giddy with anticipation as a SecDef with a new skateboard.
this is going to be my closing message for the foreseeable future:
practice self-care. do what you need to do to keep sane. if that means you need to disengage with my daily posts for a while, I get it. this community of ours will still be here when you return.
to all the people who have signed on in the days since the election, welcome aboard. settle in as we all try to deal with the shitfuckery that’s ahead of us.
we are all in this together, and we are all here for each other.
Midweek Tiedrich
oh look, White House Chief of Staff Susie Wiles is a bit of a blabbermouth. who knew?
it seems that over the last eleven months, Overly Talkative Suze has sat for eleven interviews with Vanity Fair’s Chris Whipple, which VF just published in a two-parter here and here.
here’s the beauty part: this Vanity Fair two-parter ain’t some rote, by-the-numbers snoozefest about how honored Susie Wiles is to be working with some of the finest minds yadda yadda yadda zzzzzzzzzzzz.
she actually takes a big stinky shit all over her co-workers.
the Dem Party’s social media team has put together a lovely highlight reel.
so, Donny Convict ‘has an alcoholic’s personality.’ Couchfuck McGee is ‘a conspiracy theorist.’ Pamnesia Pam Bondi has ‘completely whiffed.’ and the Space Nazi is an ‘avowed ketamine user.’
to which I say: tell us something we don’t already know, Suze.
all this is old-hat to anyone who’s been paying attention from the get-go.
Donny assembled his cabinet from a putrid grab-bag of fuckwads and found objects. you’ve got the piss-drunk Fox News dunk-tank clown. the crackpot who keeps a chainsaw in the trunk of his car on the off chance he happens upon into a dead whale. the lady who perforates puppies for fun. and let’s not forget the vice president who molests furniture.
basically, America’s getting a clown show — and not a funny ha ha! clown show. nope, we’re getting sewer clowns.
Donny put zero effort into finding out if any of these shitwits could actually do the jobs he assigned to them — so it is any wonder that the past eleven months have been a master class in incompetence and disaster?
but still — for someone actually inside the White House to shit-talk the people she works with, that’s quite a thing. especially since Dear Leader expects infinite loyalty and obsequious flattery from every single one of his minions.
so, you’d figure the reaction from the White House would be thermonuclear, and that Susie Wiles would already be the former Chief of Staff — but you’d figure wrong. because what happened next is that every sewer clown simultaneously tweeted statements of undying support for Wiles.
it’s almost as if they had been ordered to do it.
I swear, these nitwits can’t even pull off a decent scandal without fucking that shit up. come on, you bozos, you just got insulted to your faces. what about you, Donny? Wiles said you had an ‘alcoholic’s personality.’ she even said you were all over the Epstein files! how did you not throw a shit-fit over that?
look at this. not only did Donny laugh off Wiles’ remarks, he said he agreed with them.
Trump even admitted to having an “alcoholic personality,” which some around the president considered among Wiles’ most incendiary remarks because of the president’s long and well-known aversion to alcohol and his brother’s struggle with alcoholism.
“I’m fortunate I’m not a drinker,” Trump told the New York Post.
what the fuck is going on? did Putin give Susie Wiles a copy of the pee-tape to use as job insurance?
it’s not a silly question — because it seems that Chatty Suzie has been working with Russian oligarchs for since like forever. look at this, from the Byline Times, published a year ago.
Trump’s newly appointed Chief of Staff, Susie Wiles, brings a complex political profile, with ties to Russian oligarchs and Chinese surveillance firms.
Before joining Trump’s 2024 campaign, Wiles was a co-chair at a firm that lobbied for sanctioned individuals and companies. A lobbyist who recommended Wiles to lead US President-Elect Donald Trump’s campaign represented a Russian-born oligarch connected to the Russian President Vladimir Putin and a state-owned oil corporation Rosneft.
Wiles’ ex-husband has ties to a Kremlin-linked lobbyist known for attending the 2016 Trump Tower meeting, where “dirt” on Clinton was offered on the Russian Government’s behalf. Wiles’ daughter failed the White House background check.
that’s all pretty convenient. what does Susie know, and why is her job being protected? and who is she really working for? as always with All Things Donny, there are a thousand questions, and zero satisfying answers.
Wiles, for her part, says that all her shit-talking has been taken out of context. so unfair! so unfair!
“Significant context was disregarded and much of what I, and others, said about the team and the President was left out of the story.”
Chris Whipple, by the way, says all of his interviews with Wiles are on tape.
so tell us, Suze — what is the ‘significant context’ missing from your statement that the Space Nazi is an ‘avowed ketamine user’? was it part of a larger narrative talking about how much fun it was to watch him get higher than two kites and pilot Forkship One all over the patio at Motel-a-Lago?
inquiring minds want to know.
Kaitlin Collins: “on affordability, the president is going to address the nation tomorrow night. he says he’s going to talk about basically what a great year we’ve had since he returned to office. do you want to hear him say there’s no inflation, like he did last week, which is not true.”
Greene: “it’s not true … inflation has steadied around 2.5 percent, so he can’t say there’s no inflation. however, what I would like to see from the president is empathy for Americans. Donald Trump is a billionaire, and he’s the president of the United States. when he looks into a camera and says ‘affordability is a hoax,’ and totally tries to make nothing out of inflation, he’s talking to Americans that are suffering and have been suffering for many years now, and are having a hard time making ends meet. so that’s not the right message to tell Americans.”
look at Sporky. all of a sudden she’s articulate. what happened to the buffoon who used to prattle about ‘peach tree dishes’ and ‘gazpacho police’?
almost three years ago, I wrote a post in which I speculated that Three Toes might actually be only pretending to be a moron.
holy shit, what if I was right? after all, there’s a long tradition of Republicans who act dumb as mud, in order to pander to their dumb-as-mud constituents. look no further than Louisiana Senator John “Not The Good John” Kennedy, who is an actual Rhodes Scholar, yet talks in an exaggerated mush-mouth drawl, as if he were a toothless turnip farmer. I guess now that Sporky is leaving office, she no longer feels the need to play-act.
but you know what? fuck Madge Three Toes and fuck her so-called rehabilitation tour. she’s still garbage.
look at how she’s spending her final two weeks in Congress.
The Protect Children’s Innocence Act, introduced by Rep. Marjorie Taylor Greene, R-Ga., would make it a federal felony for doctors to provide certain forms of medical care related to gender transition for minors, including puberty blockers and hormone therapy. The bill could also expose parents and guardians to potential criminal liability for facilitating that care.
fuck off, Madge. stop pretending you’ve changed.
now we need to talk about Preznit Fuckwit — because he’s not faking being an imbecile. he’s the real deal — as fucking dumb as they come.
Donny gave another rambling mess of a speech yesterday, and — well, you have to hear it to believe it.
“they can fly those things. the way they can aim it at a— target. in the dark of night, the darkest you’ve ever seen. they want it to be as dark as possible. they didn’t want anything— and the only time anybody could see those planes was when those bomb chutes open up. because it becomes totally un-stealth when it goes— I explained that to Mark Levin once. you’re going in, you go like this, and as soon as it goes likes this, for some reason the plane is totally visible, not good. and I watched it happening. just— it’s like I’m sitting home watching, you know, it’s amazing, the Situation Room is an amazing place. but I watched them go BING-BING. it went BING-BING. and two massive hundred-thousand-pound bombs come pouring out. and the job they did was incredible.”
he’s so childishly stupid — and this wasn’t a one-off. Donny’s been insisting for years that stealth bombers are actually invisible.
Donny can’t get it through his thick skull that that stealth bombers are called stealth bombers because they can fly without being detected by radar. he honestly thinks you can’t see them. and not only does this gibbering lunatic believe this fever-swamp nonsense — he claims to have witnessed it first hand.
where did Donny see these big strong stealth bombers with tears in their eyes, that go ‘BING-BING’ in the dark of night, the darkest you’ve ever seen, dark like no one thought possible?
do you think maybe one reporter could ask about that? here’s another good question the press might want to ask: what the fuck is wrong with you?
and, lastly it looks like we’re going to war with Venezuela.
we know the Mad King is serious, because he THANKS Venezuela FOR THEIR ATTENTION TO THIS MATTER.
what ‘land’ is this gibbering lunatic talking about, that he demands Venezuela return to America? the United States has never ‘owned’ land in Venezuela. where is this nonsense coming from? he’s fucking insane.
all this, two days before the Dead Pedo Bestie Files are due to be released. how convenient is that?
this is going to be my closing message for the foreseeable future:
practice self-care. do what you need to do to keep sane. if that means you need to disengage with my daily posts for a while, I get it. this community of ours will still be here when you return.
to all the people who have signed on in the days since the election, welcome aboard. settle in as we all try to deal with the shitfuckery that’s ahead of us.
we are all in this together, and we are all here for each other.
A Few From Around The Web…
