Category: Humor

By legalizing Cannabis and same-sex marriage we finally interpreted the bible correctly:
"A man who lays with another man should be stoned." [Leviticus 20:13 esv]

If Stranger Things was British it'd be called…
Bit Odd Innit?

I hear there's a new restaurant, want to try it?
What's it called?
Sam'n'Ellas…
I'll pass.

Our cleaning lady just called and said she's working from home today.
She will send instructions.

Q: If men didn't exist, who would protect you?
Her: Protect us from who?

tRUMP: Excuse me, excuse me! I haven't finished incriminating myself yet!

You'd better relax buddy, or I'll fold your clothes while you're still in them.

I've had bad luck with both my wives: the first one left me. The second one didn't.

People in LA are deathly afraid of gluten. I swear, you could rob a liquor store with a bagel.

Lady GAGA: Why do people look at me like I'm crazy when I use coupons at the grocery or try bargaining at retail, I'M FROM NEW YORK! WHERE IS THE SALE RACK!

Just texted my teenager to remind me what Parental Control password I'd set and that she'd figured out, so I could get into my own Netflix.

Whitney Cummings: If the second I text you back, you call me because you know I'm holding my phone, I will call the police.

Doorbells and phone rings should be banned in TV commercials.

I'm at the age where, whenever I think of my age, I think, "I should go lie down."

Cashier #1: "Can I help you?"
Me: How long would it take to get a turkey burger to go?
Cashier #1: "About 5 minutes"
Cashier #2: "Are you Tony Hawk?"
Me: yes
Cashier #1: "Do you want a turkey burger then?"
Me: yes please, and an iced tea
Cashier #1: "Can I get a name?"

Jim Gaffigan: They should bundle all the streaming services together and call it cable.

Dad, what's a forklift?
Food, usually.

I told my mom she was invading my privacy.
She told me I came out of her privacy.

People be like what you be doing in the house all the time.
I be like I'm enjoying the bills I paid.

Female interviewer: I have three openings.
Unemployed guy: Yeah, I know.

Don't come to my house unannounced. I will stare at you from my window.

How do I become one of those people that go to bed at 10 and wake up at 6? Does it require some kind of surgery?

I realized I might have a road rage problem when my 4yo son started yelling "Pick a lane asshole!" in the grocery store.

Sometimes words are not enough and that's why we have middle fingers.

According to serving sizes tonight, I'm a family of 4.

The Roomba vacuum cleaner just beat me to a piece of popcorn I dropped on the floor and this is how the war against the machines begins.

I'm reading a horror book in Braille.
Something terrible is about to happen.
I can feel it.

If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before.

I used to be a choir director but found it difficult to chorale everybody and got tired of the organist piping up.

I made my password supermanbatmanhulkflashspidermanwonderwomanironmanwolverine, because it had to be a minimum of 8 characters.

My cat lost its tail.
I got him a new one at the retail store.

Two of my rabbits really enjoy looking up into the night air. The third just hunkers down in his cage.
I've named them Star, Sky, and Hutch.

For her birthday, I took my wife to an orchard and we stood there looking at trees for half an hour.
Apparently, not the Apple Watch she was expecting.

I just overheard that Earl is real mixed up, and I think you would agree.
(I had to look at the comments to get it.)

The church painter cheated and thinned the paint.
So the pastor told him to repaint and thin no more.

Guy 1: I was a pizza delivery man. What a cruel job. You can see them and smell them but can't eat them.
Guy 2: Oh, I know how that feels. I was a gynecologist.

In Hawaii, it's against the law to
Laugh Out Loud
You can only use
A Low Ha.

I just won a competition to invent a silent doorbell.
It's always been my dream to get the no bell prize.

I just saw this fella steal some flowers and the woman from the shop was running after him.
I thought I'd encourage her… So I shouted…
Run Florist, Run!!..

My friend found out that her dog (a Schnauzer) could hardly hear, so she took it to the veterinarian. The vet found that the problem was hair in the dog's ears. He cleaned both ears, and the dog could then hear fine.
The vet then proceeded to tell Kathy that, if she wanted to keep this from recurring, she should go to the store and get some "Nair" hair remover and rub it in the dog's ears once a month.
Kathy went to the store and bought some "Nair" hair remover. At the register, the pharmacist told her, "If you're going to use this under your arms, don't use deodorant for a few days."
Kathy said, "I'm not using it under my arms."
The pharmacist said, "If you're using it on your legs, don't use body lotion for a couple of days."
Kathy replied, "I'm not using it on my legs either. If you must know, I'm using it on my Schnauzer."
The pharmacist says, "Well, stay off your bicycle for about a week."

[Via]