Category: Humor

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Groan All You Want

Saturday Jokes

The pros and cons of making kids…
Pros: making
Cons: kids

If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of payments.

Rocky mountain oysters…
The original sack lunch.

So I was at the store earlier with my service dog. The lady in front of me at the checkout had about $200 worth of toilet paper in her shopping cart. With an attitude, she asked me what type of dog I had. I told her it was my service dog. Then she got real snarky and said, I knew that. What type of service? I said he was a BLD. By now he was licking her face and hands being super friendly. She said, what is a BLD? I told her it stood for Butt Licking Dog. She said Butt Licking Dog? I said yeah, he has been trained to lick my butt clean because I can't seem to be able to find toilet paper because of hoarders.

I just used the self-checkout at Walmart without needing assistance and they made me district manager.

I married my wife for her looks.
But not the ones she's been giving me lately.

I hate when people ask me what I do for fun because there is no classy way to say "binge drink."

My goal in life is to piss off at least one person a day.
So far, I'm about 4 years ahead of schedule.

Latest studies say men should masturbate 21 times a month to prevent prostate cancer.
So far I'm about 3 months ahead.

Females will get mad when the Mcdonald's ice cream machine doesn't work but will date a guy that hasn't worked in three years.

Kids…

Went for a walk with my daughter and when she saw some boys trying to rip a branch off a tree she ran up to them and yelled, "What did that tree ever do to you?" I'm living with the 10 y/o Lorax.

I wish that I had the confidence of my son who thinks that he's going to sleep soundly tonight after telling his sister that she should apply to be Santa's new Rudolph because the zit on her nose is glowing SO bright.

My wife and I spend our days saying things like "we make the rules around here" and our nights saying things like "I hope they let us sleep in tomorrow".

"Is chicken the animal spelled the same as chicken the food?" – my child, about to be shook.

Please keep my heartbroken toddler in your thoughts because I vacuumed up some crumbs from the floor that he was apparently very attached to.

I'm Mom. You might remember me from such hits as "When is this assignment due?" and its sequel "How long have you known about this?"

Tomorrow's dress-up day for my kid's school is "throwback to the 2000s." Pardon me while I go grab my walker.

My parents just got a comprehensive background check of their dog sitter.
The most they could tell me about my childhood babysitter was that her first name was Stacy. Or Tracy. Or was it Debra?

Last night at dinner my 6-year-old asked me what the most dangerous shark was and I said 'The Loan Shark'.

10yo went on a 3-day school trip today and I packed his harmonica and recorder as a surprise for all his friends and teachers to enjoy.

My 3yo niece wanted me to pretend I was her baby.
When I pretended to cry she promptly put a pillow over my face and told me shhh.

At dinner, little Johnny was asked to lead the prayer.
"But I don't know how to pray," he said.
"Just pray for your family, friends, neighbors, and the poor," his father said.
"Okay," Johnny said.
"Dear Lord, thank you for our visitors and their children, who finished all my cookies and ice cream.
Bless them so they won't come again.
Forgive our neighbor's son, who removed my sister's clothes and wrestled with her on her bed.
This coming Christmas, please send clothes to all the poor ladies on my Dad's iPhone who do not have any clothes.
And provide shelter for the homeless man who uses Mom's room when Daddy's at work.
Amen.
Dinner was quiet that night.

My husband and I went through the McDonald's driveway window and I gave the cashier a $5 bill.
Our total was $4.25, so I also handed her 25c.
She said, 'you gave me too much money.'
I said, 'Yes I know, but this way you can just give me a dollar back.'
She sighed and went to get the manager who asked me to repeat my request.
I did so, and he handed me back the 25c, and said 'We're sorry but we don't do that kind of thing.'
The cashier then proceeded to give me back 75 cents in change.
Do not confuse the people at MacD's.

We had to have the garage door repaired.
The repairman told us that one of our problems was that we did not have a 'large' enough motor on the opener.
I thought for a minute and said that we had the largest one made at that time, a 1/2 horsepower.
He shook his head and said, 'You need a 1/4 horsepower.'
I responded that 1/2 was larger than 1/4 and he said, 'NOOO, it's not. Four is larger than two.'
We haven't used that repairman since.

We recently had a new neighbor call the local city council office to request the removal of the DEER CROSSING sign on our road.
The reason: 'Too many deers are being hit by cars out here! I don't think this is a good place for them to be crossing anymore.'

My daughter went to a Mexican fast food place and ordered a taco.
She asked the person behind the counter for 'minimal lettuce.'
He said he was sorry, but they only had iceberg lettuce.

I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport employee asked,
'Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?'
To which I replied, 'If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?'
He smiled knowingly and nodded, 'That's why we ask.'

The pedestrian light on the corner beeps when it's safe to cross the street.
I was crossing with an 'intellectually challenged' co-worker of mine.
She asked if I knew what the beeper was for.
I explained that it signals blind people when the light is red.
Appalled, she responded, 'what on earth are blind people doing driving?!'

When my wife and I arrived at a car dealership to pick up our car after a service, we were told the keys had been locked in it.
We went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the driver's side door.
As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered that it was unlocked.
'Hey,' I announced to the technician, 'it's open!'
His reply, 'I know. I already did that side.'

My Australian friend failed his indigenous music exam.
I asked him, "Did you redo it?"

My niece put a small white pebble under her pillow and was shocked that the tooth fairy only left her a toothbrush!

Day 1. Drove by the gym. Baby steps.

Better to have loved a short woman than never to have loved a tall!

Two cats talking…
OMG, our dumb humans are naked again. OMG, she only has two nipples!
That's nothing, he's got his tail on backward.

I told my Dr. I thought that I was a deck of cards.
He sent me back to the waiting room to be dealt with later.

You wanna see social distancing?
Loan somebody some money.

I got a phone call this morning and the caller said, "I understand from your ad that you are selling a Python, is it big?"
"Sure is," I replied.
"Great!" he said with huge enthusiasm, "how many feet?"
"None," I replied, "it's a snake."

Why did Waldo see a psychiatrist?
To find himself.

Interior Decorator:
A person who does things to your house that they wouldn't dream of doing to their own.

A Psychiatrist is a doctor who doesn't have to worry – so long as other people do.

Whenever someone asks me to sign their cast, I always write, "Last warning, you have a week to get my money together."

Girl asking friend: So how does it work when you give up on dating? Do you have to go to a shelter or do the cats just show up at your house?

I just bought an ABBA toilet.
What a loo!

I have been in many places, but I've never been in Cahoots. Apparently, you can't go alone. You have to be in Cahoots with someone.
I've also never been in Cognito. I hear no one recognizes you there.
I have, however, been in Sane. They don't have an airport; you have to be driven there. I have made several trips there, thanks to my children, friends, family, and work.
I would like to go to Conclusions, but you have to jump, and I'm not too much on physical activity anymore.
I have also been in Doubt. That is a sad place to go, and I try not to visit there too often.
I've been in Flexible, but only when it was very important to stand firm.
Sometimes I'm in Capable, and I go there more often as I'm getting older.
One of my favorite places to be is in Suspense! It really gets the adrenalin flowing and pumps up the old heart! At my age, I need all the stimuli I can get!
I may have been in Continent, but I don't remember what country I was in. It's an age thing. They tell me it is very wet and damp there.

I asked my son to turn down his music and he 'okay boomered' me so now we're turning off the wi-fi for a bit.

The psych doc told me: If your life was happening to someone else, you'd think it was hilarious.

It's the time of year when I get to pretend the 5 pounds of candy I'm buying is for trick-or-treaters.

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Saturday Jokes

Pregnant woman: The cat who was completely obsessed with my bump when I was pregnant is quite uninterested in the baby now that she's out. It's a weird way to find out that my cat is a republican.

Are you mad Ariel is black? Wait until you see Jesus.

99% of the people that use the term "woke" are just trying to say the n-word and dress it up nicely.

I need all of you to proofread your posts more carefully. Because if I steal your post and there are spelling mistakes, I can't have people thinking I'm stupid when it's really you.

They say there's a killer in every family.
I was pretty sure who it was so,
I went ahead and pushed Trudy off the cliff.

I'm taking my girl to Starbucks because I forgot her name. Someone suggested just looking at our marriage certificate but I think Starbucks will be faster than trying to find that.

Cop: I pulled you over because you were on your cellphone.
Me: But I wasn't talking, it's my wife, I was just listening.

Being kissed while you're asleep is one of the purest forms of love…
Unless you're in prison.

I've combined a laxative with alphabet soup.
I call it "Letter Rip".

When bald people wash their faces, how high up do they go?

Me: I don't know why I'm always so tired.
Friend: You stay up until 3AM and tag me in dumb posts you find online.
Me: … You could be onto something.

A young blonde trainee is on her first flying lesson in a two-seater plane. Her instructor suddenly has a heart attack and dies. May Day! May Day! Help me! My instructor is dead and I don't know how to fly.
"This is air traffic control. We can hear you loud and clear. We'll get you through this. Take a deep breath. Everything will be fine. Now, what's your height and position?"
She says, "I'm 5'7 and in the front seat."
(long pause)
Controller, "OK, repeat after me. Our father who art in heaven…"

Young Me: I hope something good happens.
Old Me: I hope whatever bad thing happens is at least funny.

I left a note on the toilet lid for my wife.
DON'T FLUSH! Gone to get tape measure. Possible world record.

I want a hot body.
But I also want BBQ.

Long line a the Lego store.
ME: Looks like people are lined up for blocks.

I bought a donut without sprinkles today. So if I look skinny tomorrow, don't be surprised.

The Milky Way is the stupidest name for a galaxy.
What's funny is that in Greek Milky Way (via lactea) translates to Galaxy… and so my thing is why earth's galaxy has no name.

Wife watching the news: Some idiot tried to fight a squid at the aquarium.
Me, covered in ink: Well maybe the squid was being a dick.

Good luck sending me mixed signals. I don't even understand the direct ones.

Doc: It looks like you're pregnant.
Her: I'm pregnant!
Doc: No, but it looks like you are.

The leading cause of injury in old men is them thinking they are still young men.

Imagine being drunk as a vegan.
You have to come home and eat celery sticks.

It's hard to win an argument with a smart person. But it's damn impossible to win an argument with a stupid person.

Everyone has a different sense of humor. So please don't ruin things for everyone just because you have a stick up your ass.

Me: I'm still tired from all the crossfit this morning.
Co-worker: It's pronounced croissant and you ate 4 of them.

Shoutout to all my friends who would have to be lobotomized if they were born 100 years ago.

A dyslexic runs into a bank and shouts, "Air in the hands mother stickers! This is a fuck up!"

4 months ago I sent my hearing aids in for repair.
I haven't heard anything since.

I was so confused last night because my printer was playing music.
Turns out my paper was just jammin!

Be careful when you eat navy beans.
You might get a dishonorable discharge.

ADHDers: Why would I finish a thought when I could start a new and more exciting one!

Dating is a great way to realize that dying alone isn't the worst that could happen.

My body is not a temple. At best it's a decaying old cabin in the woods with a horrifying past.

Sometimes tough parenting requires that you tell your kids that they need to clean their rooms before they can have a donut while you sit there eating donuts yelling, "Hurry, they're almost gone!"

I found an iPhone in taxi number 2483. If you are the owner, please inbox me, I need the charger.

A lawyer boarded an airplane in New Orleans with a box of frozen crabs and asked a blonde flight attendant to take care of them for him.
She took the box and promised to put it in the crew's refrigerator. He advised her that he was holding her personally responsible for them staying frozen, mentioning in a very haughty manner that he was a lawyer, and proceeded to rant at her about what would happen if she let them thaw out. Needless to say, she was annoyed by his behavior.
Shortly before landing in New York, she used the intercom to announce to the entire cabin, "Would the lawyer who gave me the crabs in New Orleans please raise your hand?"
Not one hand went up, so she took them home and ate them.
Two lessons here:
1. Lawyers are not as smart as they think they are.
2. Blondes are not as dumb as most folks think.

Her: Having a dog prepares you for having a kid.
Him: My dog never wanted to watch Frozen 47 times in a row.

Me: OK kid, A is for apple and B is for banana. What is C for?
Kid: Plastic explosive!

The lost people of Facebook: When you start looking through someone's profile and end up on their cousin's brother's wife's profile looking at vacation photos from 2010.

If you think dogs can't count, try putting three dog biscuits in your pocket and then giving the dog only two of them.

Soccer (football) injuries are the most brutal harshest punishment and trauma experiences on the planet. There is nothing else on earth that can create the intense levels of pain and anguish that a soccer player experiences when an opponent runs past him too closely. Anything within half a meter away from the player can cause lifelong pain and suffering. And the agony on the players' face shows the suffering. These noncontact injuries are a scientific anomaly only seen in one other sport. Pro wrestling.

A man staggers into an emergency room with a concussion, multiple bruises, two black eyes, and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat. Naturally, the doctor asks him what happened.
"Well, it was like this", said the man. "I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife when at a difficult hole, we both sliced our balls into a pasture of cows. We went to look for them, and while I was rooting around noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end. I walked over and lifted up the tail, and sure enough, there was a golf ball with my wife's monogram on it stuck right in the middle of the cow's butt.
That's when I made my big mistake."
"What did you do?" asks the doctor.
"Well, I lifted the cow's tail and yelled to my wife, 'Hey, this looks like yours!'
I don't remember much after that".

Did you hear about the new event they're adding to the next Olympics? It will be called Origami. You will only be able to watch it on paper-view.

Two buddies are discussing the best way to attract girls. Guy says, "I always put a potato down my pants." His buddy says, " Good idea! I'll try it!". The next day he reports back to his friend. "Well, I tried the potato in my pants but no luck!". His buddy replies, "You dummy!!! The potato goes in the front!!! Not the back!!!!".

I decided to make sure my wife woke up with a big smile on her face this morning.
Now I can't have sharpies in the house anymore.

Sex over 60 can be exciting.
You never know if it's an orgasm, a stroke, or just a cramp.

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