He is everywhere
In the heavens and Earth
He makes the stars shine
yet He cannot be seen
He is noble, abundant
and fills the Universe
He can lift you into the sky
and bring you down gently
He can take many forms
He can help heal
He can help kill
He can help create
He can help destroy
Praise be unto He
Helium
What are the 3 words a woman hates to hear during sex?
Honey, I'm home.
When someone says "I seen," I assume they won't finish that sentence with, "the inside of a book".
After I've completed a task that wasn't on my to-do list, I add it, then cross it off for the free dopamine boost.
I would like a version of GPS that could say, "Would you like to make an illegal u-turn here to save 10 minutes of driving?"
Rose are red
Candles are lit
Do no harm
But take no shit
This coffee tastes like mud!
Yes sir, it's fresh ground.
Child to Dad: I learned a joke at school today.
Dad: OK, let's hear it.
Child: What goes in stiff but comes out soft?
Dad:
Child:
Dad:
Child:
Dad: It's a…
Wife running in from other room: SPAGHETTI! IT'S SPAGHETTI!
The dog: One day that mailman is going to murder all of you and I'll be like, ha ha ha, who needs to quit their barking and go lie down now?!
Me: I wonder how many reactions my meme got?
FB: Your account has been banned for 30 days.
I spent my childhood watching "The Sound of Music" and "Cabaret", so I really thought the rise of fascism would have more show tunes.
The gender-neutral term for sugar daddy is glucose guardian.
(I need to win the lottery to be a glucose guardian.)
Kanye West: I can't believe how quickly I destroyed my career.
Elon Musk: Hold my beer.
Them: You're so quiet.
Me: I wish you were too.
As you get older, you begin to suffer a series of increasingly humiliating micros injuries.
"How did you hurt yourself?"
I slept wrong.
While I was driving, I happened to yawn while checking my blind spot.
I drank water too hard.
I sneezed.
Should you ever find yourself the victim of others people's bitterness, jealousy, lies, and insecurities, don't let it bother you.
Remember…
Things could be worse, you could be them.
Look at Elon managing Twitter.
Now imagine living on Mars and he controls your air.
Someone just said, "John Fetterman looks like if a union was a person."
Day 12 without chocolate.
I've lost hearing in my left eye.
When you've officially run out of excuses.
"I will likely be a little late because of who I am as a person."
(These were funny until I found out Boebert has pulled ahead.
I just checked again and she's up by 1000 votes with 99% reporting. Crap!
"Frisch's team had hoped that thousands of ballots remaining in Pueblo County would break in his favor but as elections officials there reported new ballot counts throughout Thursday, the congresswoman's lead grew instead. Pueblo County Clerk Gilbert Ortiz confirmed to The Denver Post that the results of the remaining ballots won't be published until late next week, likely Thursday.")
Lauren Boebert on Tuesday morning, "The red wave has begun!"
Lauren Boebert on Wednesday morning, "You want fries with that?"
Lauren Boebert's chances of holding onto her seat is falling faster than her husband's pants at a bowling alley full of minors.
Please allow children to believe in Santa.
You believe in essential oils and no one is ruining it for you.
Has anyone explained to Hershal Walker that "run-off" doesn't mean what he did to his kids?
In Athens, no one wakes before noon because Dawn is tough on Greece.
6 Irishmen were playing poker in O'Leary's pub when Paddy Murphy loses $500 on a single hand, clutches his chest, and drops dead.
O'Conner says, "Oh, me boys, someone has to tell Paddy's wife. Who will it be?"
Gallagher says, "I'll do it, I'll be discreet, gentle, & won't make a bad situation any worse.
He goes to Murphy's house and knocks. Mrs. Murphy answers.
Gallagher declares, "Your husband just lost $500, and is afraid to come home."
"Tell him to drop dead!", says Murphy's wife. "I'll go tell him," says Gallagher.
Post on Twitter: Pants were invented for men, not women. It's impossible for a woman to wear pants (jeans, yoga pants, dress pants, leggings, dungarees, etc) without sexualizing her body since they highlight her legs, curves, and rear end. Women who want to be modest should not own pants at all.
Response: That's a lot of words for "nobody will fuck me".
Hmmmmmmm…
Your reaction when you become an Uber driver and drop off a dude at your girlfriend's house.
I wondered why there are so many stories about vampires in Europe, but not in Africa.
Then I remembered that vampires are killed by holy water.
They blessed the rains down in Africa.
The King of France, The King of England, and The King of Spain are having an argument over who has the biggest penis.
Eventually, they decide to let the people judge. They all stand on a stage in front of the people and drop their pants one by one.
The King of France drops his and the French crowd shout "Vive la France!!"
The King of Spain drops his and the Spanish crowd shout "Viva España!!"
The King of England drops his, but there is a long silence from the crowd, and then everybody shouts "God save the Queen!!!"
Took my wife to the doctor today to sort out her Tourette's.
Turns out she doesn't have Tourette's.
Turns out I am a cunt and she really does want me to fuck off.
What has 27 actors, three settings, two writers, and one plot?
Hallmark movies.
A blonde bought some water skis last year but has yet to try them out.
She's still looking for a lake with a hill.
A blonde girl walks into a gym and sees a guy.
The guy takes off his shirt she says, "Oh what chest!"
"That's 100 lbs of dynamite, baby."
Then he takes off his pants she says, "Oh what legs!"
He says, "That 100 lbs of dynamite, baby."
After that, he starts to take off his underwear.
The blonde girl starts running, he catches up to her and says, "Why are you running?"
She said, "I'm afraid of how short the fuse is going to be."
One morning, while she was making breakfast, the local fitness freak walked up to his wife, pinched her on the bum and said, ‟You know dear if you firmed this up we could get rid of your girdle."
This was a bit over the limit, but she controlled herself and replied with silence.
The next morning the man woke his wife with a pinch on the breast. ‟You know love if you firmed these up we could get rid of your bras."
That was too far over the limit. She rolled over and grabbed him by the penis. Maintaining a vice grip, she whispered in his ear, ‟You know dear, if you firmed this up we could get rid of the postman, the pool man, the gardener, and your brother."
Ask your doctor if medical advice from a commercial is right for you.
Boss: It's 10AM, you should have been here at 8!
Employee: Why, what happened?
Cowboys used to put a lantern on their saddle at night to help them find the trail.
This was early saddle light navigation.
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