Category: Humor

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NOT IN THIS HOUSE.

[source]

Elton John was one of my go-to artists when I was in high school. In fact, the first "rock" record I remember bringing home was Caribou. (I thought my mother was going to have a heart attack when she heard The Bitch is Back.)

Even then—long before Elton came out and only a short time after I admitted it to myself—while listening to Captain Fantastic and the Brown Dirt Cowboy, I knew Elton and I played on the same team. I erred in one aspect, however. I had wrongly assumed that Elton and his musical partner Bernie Taupin were lovers…

So my co worker just said: "You shouldn't eat red meat!"

I said: "My grandfather lived to be 100 years old."

He said: "Did he eat red meat?"

I said: "No, he minded his own business."

After a tiring day, a commuter settled down in his seat and closed his eyes.

As the train rolled out of the station, a woman sitting next to him pulled out her cell phone and started talking in a loud voice.

"Hi sweetheart. It's Sue. I'm on the train. Yes, I know it's six thirty and not four thirty, but I had a long meeting. No honey, I'm not with that Kevin from the accounting office. It was with the boss. No sweetheart, you're the only one in my life. Yes, I'm sure. Cross my heart!"

Fifteen minutes later she was still talking loudly. When the man sitting next to her had enough, he leaned over and said into the phone, "Sue, hang up the phone and come back to bed."

Sue doesn't use her cell phone in public any longer.