Pregnant woman: The cat who was completely obsessed with my bump when I was pregnant is quite uninterested in the baby now that she's out. It's a weird way to find out that my cat is a republican.
Are you mad Ariel is black? Wait until you see Jesus.
99% of the people that use the term "woke" are just trying to say the n-word and dress it up nicely.
I need all of you to proofread your posts more carefully. Because if I steal your post and there are spelling mistakes, I can't have people thinking I'm stupid when it's really you.
They say there's a killer in every family.
I was pretty sure who it was so,
I went ahead and pushed Trudy off the cliff.
I'm taking my girl to Starbucks because I forgot her name. Someone suggested just looking at our marriage certificate but I think Starbucks will be faster than trying to find that.
Cop: I pulled you over because you were on your cellphone.
Me: But I wasn't talking, it's my wife, I was just listening.
Being kissed while you're asleep is one of the purest forms of love…
Unless you're in prison.
I've combined a laxative with alphabet soup.
I call it "Letter Rip".
When bald people wash their faces, how high up do they go?
Me: I don't know why I'm always so tired.
Friend: You stay up until 3AM and tag me in dumb posts you find online.
Me: … You could be onto something.
A young blonde trainee is on her first flying lesson in a two-seater plane. Her instructor suddenly has a heart attack and dies. May Day! May Day! Help me! My instructor is dead and I don't know how to fly.
"This is air traffic control. We can hear you loud and clear. We'll get you through this. Take a deep breath. Everything will be fine. Now, what's your height and position?"
She says, "I'm 5'7 and in the front seat."
(long pause)
Controller, "OK, repeat after me. Our father who art in heaven…"
Young Me: I hope something good happens.
Old Me: I hope whatever bad thing happens is at least funny.
I left a note on the toilet lid for my wife.
DON'T FLUSH! Gone to get tape measure. Possible world record.
I want a hot body.
But I also want BBQ.
Long line a the Lego store.
ME: Looks like people are lined up for blocks.
I bought a donut without sprinkles today. So if I look skinny tomorrow, don't be surprised.
The Milky Way is the stupidest name for a galaxy.
What's funny is that in Greek Milky Way (via lactea) translates to Galaxy… and so my thing is why earth's galaxy has no name.
Wife watching the news: Some idiot tried to fight a squid at the aquarium.
Me, covered in ink: Well maybe the squid was being a dick.
Good luck sending me mixed signals. I don't even understand the direct ones.
Doc: It looks like you're pregnant.
Her: I'm pregnant!
Doc: No, but it looks like you are.
The leading cause of injury in old men is them thinking they are still young men.
Imagine being drunk as a vegan.
You have to come home and eat celery sticks.
It's hard to win an argument with a smart person. But it's damn impossible to win an argument with a stupid person.
Everyone has a different sense of humor. So please don't ruin things for everyone just because you have a stick up your ass.
Me: I'm still tired from all the crossfit this morning.
Co-worker: It's pronounced croissant and you ate 4 of them.
Shoutout to all my friends who would have to be lobotomized if they were born 100 years ago.
A dyslexic runs into a bank and shouts, "Air in the hands mother stickers! This is a fuck up!"
4 months ago I sent my hearing aids in for repair.
I haven't heard anything since.
I was so confused last night because my printer was playing music.
Turns out my paper was just jammin!
Be careful when you eat navy beans.
You might get a dishonorable discharge.
ADHDers: Why would I finish a thought when I could start a new and more exciting one!
Dating is a great way to realize that dying alone isn't the worst that could happen.
My body is not a temple. At best it's a decaying old cabin in the woods with a horrifying past.
Sometimes tough parenting requires that you tell your kids that they need to clean their rooms before they can have a donut while you sit there eating donuts yelling, "Hurry, they're almost gone!"
I found an iPhone in taxi number 2483. If you are the owner, please inbox me, I need the charger.
A lawyer boarded an airplane in New Orleans with a box of frozen crabs and asked a blonde flight attendant to take care of them for him.
She took the box and promised to put it in the crew's refrigerator. He advised her that he was holding her personally responsible for them staying frozen, mentioning in a very haughty manner that he was a lawyer, and proceeded to rant at her about what would happen if she let them thaw out. Needless to say, she was annoyed by his behavior.
Shortly before landing in New York, she used the intercom to announce to the entire cabin, "Would the lawyer who gave me the crabs in New Orleans please raise your hand?"
Not one hand went up, so she took them home and ate them.
Two lessons here:
1. Lawyers are not as smart as they think they are.
2. Blondes are not as dumb as most folks think.
Her: Having a dog prepares you for having a kid.
Him: My dog never wanted to watch Frozen 47 times in a row.
Me: OK kid, A is for apple and B is for banana. What is C for?
Kid: Plastic explosive!
The lost people of Facebook: When you start looking through someone's profile and end up on their cousin's brother's wife's profile looking at vacation photos from 2010.
If you think dogs can't count, try putting three dog biscuits in your pocket and then giving the dog only two of them.
Soccer (football) injuries are the most brutal harshest punishment and trauma experiences on the planet. There is nothing else on earth that can create the intense levels of pain and anguish that a soccer player experiences when an opponent runs past him too closely. Anything within half a meter away from the player can cause lifelong pain and suffering. And the agony on the players' face shows the suffering. These noncontact injuries are a scientific anomaly only seen in one other sport. Pro wrestling.
A man staggers into an emergency room with a concussion, multiple bruises, two black eyes, and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat. Naturally, the doctor asks him what happened.
"Well, it was like this", said the man. "I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife when at a difficult hole, we both sliced our balls into a pasture of cows. We went to look for them, and while I was rooting around noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end. I walked over and lifted up the tail, and sure enough, there was a golf ball with my wife's monogram on it stuck right in the middle of the cow's butt.
That's when I made my big mistake."
"What did you do?" asks the doctor.
"Well, I lifted the cow's tail and yelled to my wife, 'Hey, this looks like yours!'
I don't remember much after that".
Did you hear about the new event they're adding to the next Olympics? It will be called Origami. You will only be able to watch it on paper-view.
Two buddies are discussing the best way to attract girls. Guy says, "I always put a potato down my pants." His buddy says, " Good idea! I'll try it!". The next day he reports back to his friend. "Well, I tried the potato in my pants but no luck!". His buddy replies, "You dummy!!! The potato goes in the front!!! Not the back!!!!".
I decided to make sure my wife woke up with a big smile on her face this morning.
Now I can't have sharpies in the house anymore.
Sex over 60 can be exciting.
You never know if it's an orgasm, a stroke, or just a cramp.
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