Category: Beating Back The Stupid

Yesterday was another one of those days where the stupid was so ungodly thick, you could cut it with a knife. Here a stupid, there a stupid, everywhere a stupid stupid — and you know what that means: it’s time once again to roll out the good old Big Wheel of Moron™, give it a vigorous spin, and see where it lands. Ready? Here we go.

Oh look, here’s a perfectly normal thing that happens every day. It’s just United States President Rottinghands McCankles, being bundled into Helicopter Force One (or whatever the fuck it’s called), along with Diaper Nurse Natalie Harp and Found Object Katie Zacharia.

Holy shit, look at the intensity with which these two women are focusing their rictus grins on the object of their affection.

Who thought this was a wise idea? You can’t do this. You can’t take two fixated weirdos who both believe they have the god-ordained right to be the Fourth Mrs. Donny™ and put them in close quarters. It’s like shoving matter and antimatter together. Nothing good is going to happen. Bunnies are going to get boiled. Lots and lots of bunnies.

If we could somehow take the barely-suppressed, seething resentment that these two rivals are developing for each other, and somehow hook it to a generator, it could be America’s greatest source of renewable energy.

We’d better get out of here before we become collateral damage. Let’s give that Big Wheel of Moron™ another spin.

Oh my dear sweet lord, help us. It’s landed on United States Vice President Couchfuck McGee.

I love you too sir. In a totally platonic way, to be clear. I’m the vice president, not James Talarico.”

GET IT? GET IT? JAMES TALARICO IS THE GAY! (Spoiler alert: he’s not.)

I’m so tired of neanderthal assholes like JD Vance, whose homophobic sense of ‘humor’ — if we can charitably call it that — never matured beyond the eighth-grade locker room. It’s so fucking adolescent.

This is what you do when your party is utterly devoid of accomplishments, and bereft of anything positive to run on — you just make up stupid shit about your opponent. Why does Couchfuck imagine that ‘ha ha you so gay’ is still a thing you can lob at someone? Bro, this is the year of our lord 2026. Open your eyes — no one cares. So what if Talarico were the gayest gay in all of gaydom? We’ve over that shit. 

But beyond that, why is Couchfuck even being trotted out to campaign on behalf of loser candidates? He has zero charisma. He has no ability to connect with average people. He’s complete shit at small talk.

‘So how’s your sexuality? Are you still straight? HA HA THAT’S GREAT!’

Wheel of Moron™, kindly get us the fuck away from this repellent dipshit.

Sigh. It landed on Dear Leader, at yesterday’s hate rally in Texas. Let’s hear what’s on this tiresome fuckface’s liquefying mind.

Mutilate your children, they want to mutilate, cut your children. It’s unbelievable, what they do. Six states, I mean they could do whatever the want, and they do. Your son leaves as Jimmy and comes home in three days as Janet, and they don’t even ask you. Most people don’t believe it. You know, they think it’s like an exaggeration. It’s not. They can take your child out of school and do whatever the hell they want. These people are sick. Minnesota is one of those states that can do that.”

Fact check:

For fuck’s sake, Preznit Fuckwit has been vomiting out this fever-swamp hallucination for years now, and it doesn’t even stand up to ten seconds’ worth of critical thinking. Imagine that this were true. Imagine that you were the parent of darling little Jimmy, and one day he doesn’t get off the school bus. And then what? You just sit there for three days, going ‘well I guess he’s okay, wherever he is.’  Of course not.

You know, Donny thinks he’s doing his party a favor, by showing up to ostensibly ‘campaign’ for a candidate, and then shitting nonsense like this out of his corroded face-hole instead. He’s not. Just like his furniture-fornicating Vice President, he’s become kryptonite to voters. Nobody but the brain-deadest of cultists want to hear Donny prattle on about ‘the transgender.’ 

That shit might have worked in 2024, but it doesn’t any more. Don’t take my word for it. Listen to Republican Dade Phelan, a former Texas State House Speaker.

Phelan said it’s doing nothing, because no one cares about the few dozen transgender people in sports. They just want cheap gas.

Okay, that’s enough from our Moron-in-Chief. Let’s spin that Big Wheel again.

Oh fuck us all blind, it landed on Donny again. Holy shit, he’s still bragging about pointing to the picture of the camel.

“But remember, I’m the only one who took the test. You know, the aptitude test or whatever the hell they call it. I took it— when I did— every time I do a physical— I take a mental test. And I’ve aced it. WHERE’S MY DOCTOR? Is he around, I travel with more doctors than any human. If people get sick in the audience, they don’t— do— they leave him alone. You know what they call him? Collateral damage. If that person right over there, he looks like shit actually. He looks— he looks like he’s ready to have a heart attack. If he actually had a heart attack, you know what they would do? They would leave him alone.” 

The stupid shit thinks he’s been taking an ‘aptitude’ test. He’s not — it’s a brain damage test. And if you’re being asked to take one every time you have a checkup, it’s because your doctor has an excellent reason to suspect you have brain damage.

Don’t you love the way Donny boasts about acing his dementia test, and then careens wildly into the kind of incoherent anecdote that only a dementia sufferer would tell? Way to connect with your audience, you rotting dumbfuck. People can’t afford food. They can’t afford housing. They can’t afford basic goods and services. 

Above all, no one can afford healthcare — and this out-of-touch nincompoop is bragging about how he has all the doctors in the world, and you don’t. What in the actual fuck?

Sigh. Let’s give that Big Wheel one final spin. Ready?

Goddammit, it landed on Donny a third time. I’m going have to take this thing in and get it calibrated. The veeblefetzer is out of whack again. 

Oh no, wait, the Big Wheel of Moron™ actually did us a solid. This one’s worth seeing.

This is why, when they broadcast Dear Leader’s hate-rallies on TV, they’re always cropped in tightly from the front, on Donny and the worshipers who have been placed behind him — because if they showed you a wider view, you’d learn that no one is showing up to these things. The arena is nearly empty. He’s the crowd-size obsessed president, and he can’t draw a crowd. How sad is that? 

Wait, did I said it was sad? Actually, I meant to say that shit’s fucking hilarious.

I swear, I’m trying really hard not to laugh.

this is going to be my closing message for the foreseeable future:

practice self-care. do what you need to do to keep sane. if that means you need to disengage with my daily posts for a while, I get it. this community of ours will still be here when you return.

to all the people who have signed on in the days since the election, welcome aboard. settle in as we all try to deal with the shitfuckery that’s ahead of us.

we are all in this together, and we are all here for each other.

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Mad King Donny continues to deteriorate before our very eyes.

Yesterday, sweaty and unsteady on his feet, he shambled into the Oval Bordello, half an hour late for the dog-and-pony show that his minders had set up for him. 

Surrounded by his Emotional Support Flunkies, Dear Leader sat down at his Big Boy Resolute Desk and struggled to read from his prepared text.

And, of course, as soon as someone else started speaking, the narcoleptic old fart factory fell fast asleep, and started crop-dusting the room with the pungent aroma of ass music.

The whole event was a clownfucktacular shit-show — or, as we call it around here, Monday.

Dozy Donny should have stayed asleep — because after he woke up, he doubled down on his five-thousand-dollar bribe.

“Because of tariffs, we— are— taking in HUNDREDS of billions of dollars of dollars— of profits. It’s one of the reasons I can offer, if— Republicans win the— HOUSE and Senate. $5,000 to every adult. And we can do it and the Democrats can’t, because the Democrats don’t have any income.”

Holy shit. Every word that just seeped from Donny’s rancid anus-mouth is either a fever-swamp fantasy, an outright lie, or just a basic failure to understand how money works. It staggers the mind when you consider that this low-wattage fuckwad is in charge of our entire nation’s economy.

Hey, can we get Community Notes in here to do us a solid, and lay out the basic bullet points?

A $5,000 payment to every US adult would cost about $1.25 trillion. The government collected $195 billion in customs duties in FY2025. Net tariff revenue turned negative in some months of 2026 due to Supreme Court-ordered refunds. Analyses show tariffs cannot fund it.

Got that? There isn’t enough money to give every adult in America five large. It’s just not there, no matter how many times Donny clicks his bloated cankles together and wishes it were so.

And it’s just fucking weird that Donny considers money taken in via taxes and tariffs to be profits. they’re not — they’re revenues.

This is a fundamental mistake that all these shit-gibbons who insist that ‘government should be run like a business’ make. Governments are not businesses. The revenues that a governments takes in are — in any sane country — used to provide for the public well-being of its people. They’re notprofits, for some tinpot fucksnoot like Donny to hoard for his own personal use.

And what’s all this nonsense about ‘Democrats don’t have any income’? There aren’t two treasuries, one for each major political party. There isn’t Republican money and Democratic money. It’s just money money. 

Not only is it fucking insane that Donny believes this, it’s insane that every worthless scribbler of the corporate-controlled press just sits there and nods their head and goes, ‘well, I guess if Donny says so.’

None of this shit is normal. Is it really too much to ask of our media to stop treating it as if it were?

For eleven long years now, ever since that racist game show host came down his golden escalator in June of 2015 to announce his candidacy, the press has been sanewashing his fucknuttery — and they’re still at it. Look at this piece of shit reporting that the Washington Post crapped out yesterday

Donny’s hare-brained schemes are in no way ‘ideas for aiding US consumers’ — they’re the mouth-farts of a panicked idiot who is throwing everything the wall in a desperate attempt to not lose the midterms.

Dear Leader couldn’t give a shit about ‘aiding US consumers.’ He only gives a fuck about himself. He just wants to remain in power indefinitely. 

Oh, and it’s also fucking against the law to bribe people into voting a certain way. How about reporting on that?

Meanwhile, the MAGAsphere is pissing itself with glee, over the free government money that Donny’s gonna send them.

Vote GOP, reject the crazy communists, and get $5k as an additional incentive.

Let’s do this!

How many times is MAGA going to fall for this shit? They’re now the guy from Mememto. They can no longer form lasting memories.

Ask MAGA about the $5,000 DOGE checks that Donny promised to sent them way back in February 2025. They’ll just go ‘huh wha?’

Ask them about the $2,000 ‘tariff rebate’ checks that the con artist they worship told them they were getting in November 2025.

They don’t remember.

I guess if MAGA is too memory-impaired to remember how many times Dear Leader has lied to them about free money from the government, they’ll also be fooled by the ‘migrant caravan’ that has magically appeared, five weeks before an election.

Here we go again. Every time an election looms, the entire wingnut outrage-industrial complex starts flooding the airwaves with bullshit scare-stories about swarthy brown-skinned migrants walking thousands of miles on foot, just so they can cross our border and fuck our shit.

The Department of Homeland Security (DHS) issued a strong warning to a major migrant caravan that crossed into Mexico and was moving north with hopes of reaching the U.S.-Mexico border.

“USBP is closely engaged with its international partners to monitor their movement and any additional developments,” DHS told Fox News in a statement. “[United States Border Patrol] USBP reminds migrants that under the leadership of President Trump and Homeland Secretary Mullin, the border has remained closed and secured for the last 16 months.”

Yeah, like I would believe anything that comes out of the mouths of Marky Two-Names and his racist band of shitweasels at the Department of Homeland Security.

And they’re really getting lazy, too. Remember back when they used to spice up their reporting with juicy stories about ‘prayer rugs’ being found at the border?

What ever happened to fun scare tactics like that? Fox News is really falling down on the job here. It’s all so patently ridiculous that even the three-toed freak of nature, Marjorie Sporkfoot Greene, can smell a rat.

We have not seen a caravan headed to the U.S. southern border in several years, why now? Oh yeah, there is an election coming and the GOP needs to scare you into voting because nothing else is working.

She’s not wrong — but please don’t be fooled by MTG’s supposed change of heart. It’s all an act. She’s not our friend. Never forget that she spent years promoting this racist garbage, and has never apologized for it.

You would think that the cultists would remember that Sporky and her ilk have been hoodwinking them with this garbage since all the way back in 2018 — but you would think wrong.

And, lastly, we have this fucking fuck to contend with. Holy Mike Johnson — the limpest dick ever to wield the House Speaker’s gavel — wants you to know that if you object to data centers, you’re just falling for commie Chinese propaganda.

Mike Johnson says opposition to data centers “is a Chinese psyop. I really believe that. That’s not a conspiracy theory.”

Mike Johnson can fuck himself straight into the sea. Data centers are a nightmare to live with. They’re noisy. They pollute. They deplete local water supplies. They jack up everyone’s electricity bills, and destroy everyone’s property values.

this isn’t conjecture, nor is it any ‘Chinese psyop.’

I have an idea whose time has come: how about every one of these shit-kazoo politicians who claim that data centers are no biggie, be forced to live next to one for a year?

let’s see how they like it.

who’s with me?

this is going to be my closing message for the foreseeable future:

practice self-care. do what you need to do to keep sane. if that means you need to disengage with my daily posts for a while, I get it. this community of ours will still be here when you return.

to all the people who have signed on in the days since the election, welcome aboard. settle in as we all try to deal with the shitfuckery that’s ahead of us.

we are all in this together, and we are all here for each other.

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hey, here’s a super fun thing that Teddy Roosevelt said during a speech in Kansas City on May 7, 1918.

‘to announce that there must be no criticism of the President, or that we are to stand by the President, right or wrong, is not only unpatriotic and servile, but is morally treasonable to the American public.’

it seems that Teddy had been on the receiving end of flak for his criticism of then-president Woodrow Wilson — and T-Rose’s response to those telling him can the shit-talking was, ‘eat an entire bowl of fuck, pal. this is America.’

keep Teddy’s defense of freedom of speech in your mind as you listen to MSNOW reporter Akayla Gardner describe what happened to her when she tried to enter the White House yesterday.

“I attempted to scan my badge, which we have to do to be able to get into the White House grounds. it did not work. there was a red beeping light, and so the officer asked me to hand over my badge. he said that it was disabled. I asked why I was not able to get inside. he said it was above him.”

that’s right — on Saturday, Preznit Fuckwit made good on his infantile threat to bar CNN, Politico and MSNOW from the White House grounds — he did it in typical Donny fashion. he’s too big a coward to ever shitcan anyone to their face, so he weaseled out and just had reporters’ security badges disabled on the sly. how fucking childish is that?

do you think Teddy Roosevelt would have ever pulled any weak-tea shit like that? absolutely fucking not. look at this homey. he never backed down from a confrontation.

let’s compare and contrast.

yeesh.

but of course Teddy Roosevelt would have never gone after a reporter’s credentials — because Teddy was an adult who could take criticism as well as he could dish it out.

now let’s back up, because I know the very first thing you’re going to ask. ‘but Uncle Jeff, Donny can’t actually ban reporters, can he? I mean, that’s a blatant violation of the First Amendment, right? isn’t there some law against that?’

you’re darned tooting there’s a law against it. here’s what the DC Court of Appeals said about that kind of fuckery, back in 1977, when Robert Sherrill, a reporter for The Nation, had his White House press credentials summarily revoked because reasons.

“Although the White House is not required to open its doors to the news media, once it establishes press facilities for credentialed journalists, it cannot deny access based on the content of a journalist’s coverage.”

got that? you can’t revoke a reporter’s White House access, just because some fragile, thin-skinned piss-baby says they’re being very mean to him.

but when has ‘Donny can’t actually do that’ ever stopped Donny from actually doing that? respecting the law is not how tinpot mad-king-wannabees roll. so now we’re going to have some court battles in front of us.

lucky us.

of course, this whole fucktangle is about more than legal battles over who gets to be a reporter.

the larger issue is, what kind of country do we want? one where the government and those who report on the government engage in an open and honest dialog? or one where some cranky Diaperload-in-Chief gets mad at words, and tries to hide his shitty crimes from public view?

I know what Teddy Roosevelt’s answer would be.

you can’t have a functioning democracy without freedom of the press. our founders knew that — that’s why they made the First Amendment the very first amendment.

and contrary to whatever MAGA may think, there’s no clause in the Constitution that says anything about ‘in 250 years we try having a king again, only this time he’s really fucking dumb.’

now, if you’ll indulge me, I’d like to take a moment to talk directly to the media.

hey, worthless scribblers of the corporate-controlled press: look, I really don’t want to play blame-the-victims here, but it’s not like we didn’t warn you, over and over and over, until we were blue in the face. 

‘stop treating Donny like some interesting variation on governance,’ we begged and pleaded during the presidential campaigns, ‘and start treating him like the demented fascist existential threat to democracy that that he is.’

‘trust us,’ you replied. ‘we know what we’re doing, and besides, Dear Leader would never eat our faces.’

yeah? tell me, how did normalizing all of Donny’s authoritarian bullshit work out for you, with Dear Leader now happily gnawing away on the faces of MSNOW, CNN and Politico? oh, and let’s not forget the Associated Press, whose own lawsuit against a ban is currently winding its way through the legal system. remember their crime? they refused to call the Gulf of Mexico anything but that, so Donny threw a shit-fit and revoked their access. what a fucking child.

let’s get real — no one should imagine that Donny’s going to stop with those four. he’s already threatening to extend the ban to other media outlets.

it must be particularly galling for Mathias Döpfner, the owner of Politico, to find that his own face is being chewed to bits — because he’s a right-wing shit-kazoo who’s just about as pro-Donny as you can get.

Politico’s parent company Axel Springer CEO Mathias Döpfner emailed his top executives shortly before the 2020 election to ask if any of them would “want to get together for an hour in the morning on November 3 and pray that Donald Trump will again become President of the United States of America.”

hey, maybe Mathias Döpfner might want to pray for Politico to get its press credentials back. that would be a bold strategy. let’s see if it pays off for him.

ree clue for Döpfner and his ilk: loyalty is a one-way street in the Donnyverse. it’s your job to worship Dear Leader. it’s not his job to return the favor. you’re always a single unfavorable news story away from shitcansville.

whenever Agolf Shitler takes a big, stinky dump all over the Constitution, what comes to my mind is that day back during the 2024 presidential campaign, when New York Times editor Joe Kahn said that defending democracy is a partisan act, and he won’t do it.

here’s the exact quote:

“To say that the threats [to] democracy are so great that the media is going to abandon its central role as a source of impartial information to help people vote — that’s essentially saying that the news media should become a propaganda arm for a single candidate, because we prefer that candidate’s agenda.”

can you imagine the top editor of a national newspaper saying that?

it’s this kind of lazy opposite-of-journalism that got us into this mess. the worthless scribblers never actually told the voters what was really at stake in the 2024 election. they just uncritically parroted the lies that seeped from Donny’s rancid anus-mouth, rarely ever fact-checking them.

remember this old saying?

JOURNALISM 101 RULE: If someone says it’s raining, and another person says it’s dry, it’s not your job to quote them both. Your job is to look out of the fucking window and find out which is true. — Now more than ever.”

well, The New York Times’ version is ‘if one side says that fascism is awesome, and the other side says fascism kinda sucks all ass, it’s not their job to tell the voters which side is right. oh no, that would be getting into ‘partisan bickering.’

awesome work.

when Donny comes for the NY Times’ press credentials, they’ll have no one to blame but themselves.

here’s what the remaining members of the White House press corps should do: boycott that shit. they should stay the fuck home until all the shitcanned reporters get their credentials back.

yes, I know — if all the legitimate reporters walked out, that would lezve only the MAGA hacks like Tim Pool in the room. but it would kill Donny to walk into a mostly-empty briefing room. he feeds off of attention, and pouts when he doesn’t get it.

but above all, a walk-out would be the right thing to do.

but will the WH press do the right thing? ha ha. sorry, but there’s nothing in this world that the worthless scribblers love more than their access to power. if you really think they’ll stand up for what’s right, I have six bankrupt casinos in Atlantic City to sell you.

oops — make that five casinos. 

here’s your hero of the day: Michigan Senate candidate Abdul El-Sayed. 

at a town hall the other day, El-Sayed — an actual medical doctor with a degree in public health from Oxford — teed off on that whale-head-chainsawing maniac, Bobby Brainworms. let’s give a listen.

that’s not a thing that should happen in the richest country in the world. and it kinda goes back to the fact that they appointed a guy who literally takes his kids swimming in Schitt’s Creek as health director for a whole country. and I just find it personally offensive that my dude works out in jeans. I mean, either he is not really working out, or he just has massive calluses on the inside of his legs. either way it is unnatural, all right? it’s not right. I think we all could agree that we probably need a public health senator right about now.”

I just love this guy to pieces. he’s funny. he’s charming. he’s got charisma up the yin-yang.

and, as I’ve noted before, he sounds like one of us.

let’s hope that Michigan’s voters send this guy to the Senate. what a fucking breath of fresh air he would be.

this is going to be my closing message for the foreseeable future:

practice self-care. do what you need to do to keep sane. if that means you need to disengage with my daily posts for a while, I get it. this community of ours will still be here when you return.

to all the people who have signed on in the days since the election, welcome aboard. settle in as we all try to deal with the shitfuckery that’s ahead of us.

we are all in this together, and we are all here for each other.

0 comments