Yesterday was another one of those days where the stupid was so ungodly thick, you could cut it with a knife. Here a stupid, there a stupid, everywhere a stupid stupid — and you know what that means: it’s time once again to roll out the good old Big Wheel of Moron™, give it a vigorous spin, and see where it lands. Ready? Here we go.
Oh look, here’s a perfectly normal thing that happens every day. It’s just United States President Rottinghands McCankles, being bundled into Helicopter Force One (or whatever the fuck it’s called), along with Diaper Nurse Natalie Harp and Found Object Katie Zacharia.
Holy shit, look at the intensity with which these two women are focusing their rictus grins on the object of their affection.
Who thought this was a wise idea? You can’t do this. You can’t take two fixated weirdos who both believe they have the god-ordained right to be the Fourth Mrs. Donny™ and put them in close quarters. It’s like shoving matter and antimatter together. Nothing good is going to happen. Bunnies are going to get boiled. Lots and lots of bunnies.
If we could somehow take the barely-suppressed, seething resentment that these two rivals are developing for each other, and somehow hook it to a generator, it could be America’s greatest source of renewable energy.
We’d better get out of here before we become collateral damage. Let’s give that Big Wheel of Moron™ another spin.
Oh my dear sweet lord, help us. It’s landed on United States Vice President Couchfuck McGee.
I love you too sir. In a totally platonic way, to be clear. I’m the vice president, not James Talarico.”
GET IT? GET IT? JAMES TALARICO IS THE GAY! (Spoiler alert: he’s not.)
I’m so tired of neanderthal assholes like JD Vance, whose homophobic sense of ‘humor’ — if we can charitably call it that — never matured beyond the eighth-grade locker room. It’s so fucking adolescent.
This is what you do when your party is utterly devoid of accomplishments, and bereft of anything positive to run on — you just make up stupid shit about your opponent. Why does Couchfuck imagine that ‘ha ha you so gay’ is still a thing you can lob at someone? Bro, this is the year of our lord 2026. Open your eyes — no one cares. So what if Talarico were the gayest gay in all of gaydom? We’ve over that shit.
But beyond that, why is Couchfuck even being trotted out to campaign on behalf of loser candidates? He has zero charisma. He has no ability to connect with average people. He’s complete shit at small talk.
‘So how’s your sexuality? Are you still straight? HA HA THAT’S GREAT!’
Wheel of Moron™, kindly get us the fuck away from this repellent dipshit.
Sigh. It landed on Dear Leader, at yesterday’s hate rally in Texas. Let’s hear what’s on this tiresome fuckface’s liquefying mind.
Mutilate your children, they want to mutilate, cut your children. It’s unbelievable, what they do. Six states, I mean they could do whatever the want, and they do. Your son leaves as Jimmy and comes home in three days as Janet, and they don’t even ask you. Most people don’t believe it. You know, they think it’s like an exaggeration. It’s not. They can take your child out of school and do whatever the hell they want. These people are sick. Minnesota is one of those states that can do that.”
Fact check:
For fuck’s sake, Preznit Fuckwit has been vomiting out this fever-swamp hallucination for years now, and it doesn’t even stand up to ten seconds’ worth of critical thinking. Imagine that this were true. Imagine that you were the parent of darling little Jimmy, and one day he doesn’t get off the school bus. And then what? You just sit there for three days, going ‘well I guess he’s okay, wherever he is.’ Of course not.
You know, Donny thinks he’s doing his party a favor, by showing up to ostensibly ‘campaign’ for a candidate, and then shitting nonsense like this out of his corroded face-hole instead. He’s not. Just like his furniture-fornicating Vice President, he’s become kryptonite to voters. Nobody but the brain-deadest of cultists want to hear Donny prattle on about ‘the transgender.’
That shit might have worked in 2024, but it doesn’t any more. Don’t take my word for it. Listen to Republican Dade Phelan, a former Texas State House Speaker.
Phelan said it’s doing nothing, because no one cares about the few dozen transgender people in sports. They just want cheap gas.
Okay, that’s enough from our Moron-in-Chief. Let’s spin that Big Wheel again.
Oh fuck us all blind, it landed on Donny again. Holy shit, he’s still bragging about pointing to the picture of the camel.
“But remember, I’m the only one who took the test. You know, the aptitude test or whatever the hell they call it. I took it— when I did— every time I do a physical— I take a mental test. And I’ve aced it. WHERE’S MY DOCTOR? Is he around, I travel with more doctors than any human. If people get sick in the audience, they don’t— do— they leave him alone. You know what they call him? Collateral damage. If that person right over there, he looks like shit actually. He looks— he looks like he’s ready to have a heart attack. If he actually had a heart attack, you know what they would do? They would leave him alone.”
The stupid shit thinks he’s been taking an ‘aptitude’ test. He’s not — it’s a brain damage test. And if you’re being asked to take one every time you have a checkup, it’s because your doctor has an excellent reason to suspect you have brain damage.
Don’t you love the way Donny boasts about acing his dementia test, and then careens wildly into the kind of incoherent anecdote that only a dementia sufferer would tell? Way to connect with your audience, you rotting dumbfuck. People can’t afford food. They can’t afford housing. They can’t afford basic goods and services.
Above all, no one can afford healthcare — and this out-of-touch nincompoop is bragging about how he has all the doctors in the world, and you don’t. What in the actual fuck?
Sigh. Let’s give that Big Wheel one final spin. Ready?
Goddammit, it landed on Donny a third time. I’m going have to take this thing in and get it calibrated. The veeblefetzer is out of whack again.
Oh no, wait, the Big Wheel of Moron™ actually did us a solid. This one’s worth seeing.
This is why, when they broadcast Dear Leader’s hate-rallies on TV, they’re always cropped in tightly from the front, on Donny and the worshipers who have been placed behind him — because if they showed you a wider view, you’d learn that no one is showing up to these things. The arena is nearly empty. He’s the crowd-size obsessed president, and he can’t draw a crowd. How sad is that?
Wait, did I said it was sad? Actually, I meant to say that shit’s fucking hilarious.
I swear, I’m trying really hard not to laugh.
this is going to be my closing message for the foreseeable future:
practice self-care. do what you need to do to keep sane. if that means you need to disengage with my daily posts for a while, I get it. this community of ours will still be here when you return.
to all the people who have signed on in the days since the election, welcome aboard. settle in as we all try to deal with the shitfuckery that’s ahead of us.
we are all in this together, and we are all here for each other.
0 comments