A Sunday school teacher was reading a passage that included the word "bastard." One kid said, "Oh, that's a bad word!" Another chimed in with, "No, it's just a bad driver."
In an emergency, coffee filters can be used as toilet paper.
But it will change the taste of the coffee.
Where's my chiropractor joke?
I posted it about a week back.
During a nuclear explosion, there is a certain distance of the blast wave radius where all the frozen supermarket pizzas are cooked to perfection.
Does a railway worker have to be trained?
Two Americans and a German gynecologist were having a drink…
After a few, they start sharing stories from their professions.
American 1: "I once had a patient who had a clitoris like a blueberry!"
American 2: "That's nothing, my last patient had one like a cherry!"
German: "I would say the most unusual was one woman who had a clit like a melon!"
American 1: "That's ridiculous, how'd she walk?"
German: "Oh I see. You Americans are obsessed with size. I thought we were talking about flavor."
I have an inferiority complex.
But it's not a very good one.
I have a hunch, I have scoliosis.
Aliens arrive on Earth. Delegations from different countries, religious leaders gather around and ask the newcomers about their lives. When the Pope's turn comes, he asks: "Do you know about the Savior and our Lord our God, Jesus Christ?" "Ah, Jesus," the alien replies. "Of course we know him. He visits us every year to make sure we're okay." Surprised, the Pope exclaims: "Every year? We have been waiting for his second coming for 2000 years!" The newcomer sees that the pope is beginning to get angry, and tries to calm him down: "Well, maybe he likes our chocolate more than yours." The pope is amazed: "Chocolate? And what does it have to do with it?" "Yes, chocolate. When he first visited our planet, we gave him a nice box of chocolates. Wait, what did you do?"
Every day I say to myself, John you have to quit drinking.
Thank god my name isn't John.
When the head of the Oxford English Dictionary published a new version, a group of Christian women came in and congratulated him on not including any dirty words, to which he replied, "And I congratulate you on your persistence in looking them up."
At a certain age, life is like a game show and it's called:
"Guess which part of your body is going to hurt today".
She says I keep pushing her buttons.
If that were true I would have found mute by now.
I hate it when I tell someone that I'll be there in 15 minutes and they keep calling every 30 minutes wondering where I am.
One day at school the kid that sat next to me swallowed his calculator!
I stood up for him when everyone else said he was a weirdo!
I said, "He may be a bit weird, but it's what's inside him that counts!"
I came home and my dog peed a little because he was happy to see me.
How come none of my friend's pee when they see me?
Why is it there are poptarts but no momtarts?
Because of the pastryarchy.
I have some skeleton puns. They are very humerus.
I also have some vampire puns, but they suck.
I'm trying to put some Frankenstein puns together.
There are pecans.
And there are pea cans.
"Why the hell did you tell your father BDSM stands for Burgers, Drinks, and Salsa music? He just invited Bob and Mary to come over tonight for a BDSM party. We are NOT done talking about this!"
A woman was arrested for bringing her own popcorn, candy, and soda to the movie theater. She was fined and had to pay court fees.
The good news is, she still came out a few bucks ahead if she would have bought the popcorn at the theater.
Two little boys were at a wedding when one of them asked the other, "How many wives can a man have?"
"Sixteen; four better, four worse, four richer, and four poorer."
As I was getting ready to get into bed, she said, "You're drunk".
I said, "How do you know?"
She said, "You live next door".
I told my daughters' new boyfriend to stand at the end of the picture so I can crop him out when she dumps him.
One day an IRS employee stops in to visit the local pastor. He asks the pastor if he could please show him around the church as he's been just dying to see it for some time now. The pastor says of course he'll gladly show him around. So they head over to the church and the pastor gives him the full tour. They walk through every inch of the church. After the tour is over the pastor notices the IRS man is very quiet.
"Didn't you enjoy our church?" asks the pastor.
"Well, to be honest, I'm very disappointed", says the IRS employee. "Based on how much money your parishioners say they donate to you I would have thought it would be entirely covered in gold."
I heard of the chairman of a pastoral search committee who prayed, "Lord please just send us a poor and humble preacher. If you keep him humble, we'll keep him poor."
Her: Do men still open car doors?
Him: How do you think we get inside?
Every time I ask someone what the lowest rank in the army is, they tell me, "It's private".
Her: Did you really dip your testicles into glitter?
Him: Pretty nuts, right?
[Source]