Old age comes at a very bad time.
When you finally know everything, you start to forget everything you know.
Santa has been watching you all year and has decided you're not naughty.
You're mentally disturbed.
Kid talking to Santa in his living room: A drum set?!
Santa: Yes, because your parents were naughty this year.
Man entering a meeting: Sorry I'm late, I broke down on the way to work.
Coworker: Oh no, is your car running OK now?
Man: My car?
Waiter: I see your glass is empty sir, would you like another?
Man: Why would I want another empty glass?
My friend tries to impress girls by drawing realistic pictures of a Ford F-150.
He's a pickup artist.
We brought gold and frankincense for you, Jesus.
But wait! There's myrrh!
"All together" is written separately.
Separately is written altogether.
I'm lost and I've gone to find myself. If I should get back before I return, please ask me to wait.
The difference between playing the stock market and the horses is that one of the horses must win.
The stock market is the only legal Ponzi scheme.
You know you are getting older when "Happy Hour" is a nap.
We don't stop playing because we grow old; we grow old because we stop playing.
Detour: Something that lengthens your mileage, diminishes your gas, and strengthens your vocabulary.
If you don't write to complain, you'll never receive your order. If you do write, you'll receive the merchandise before your angry letter reaches its destination.
On one trip we were stuck on the runway for seven hours. The plane kept driving and driving until we arrived at the rink and I realized we were on a bus.
My problem with chess was that all my pieces wanted to end the game as soon as possible.
Nature abhors a vacuum… and so do I.
The dog.
The secret of dealing successfully with a child is not to be its parent.
The "Consumer Report" on the item will come out a week after you've made your purchase.
Corollaries: 1. The one you bought will be rated "unacceptable.".
2. The one you almost bought will be rated "best buy."
Do I lift weights? … Sure, every time I stand up.
If God dropped acid, would he see people?
I just got out of the hospital… I had my mother removed from my back.
I liked Amsterdam… I spent $2,000 window shopping.
A jury is a group of twelve people of average ignorance.
Democrats Are Sexy. Who Ever Heard of Good Piece of Elephant.
The Republicans are the party that says government doesn't work and then gets elected and proves it.
Tax reform is taking the taxes off things that have been taxed in the past and putting taxes on things that haven't been taxed before.
The word 'politics' is derived from the word 'poly,' meaning 'many,' and the word 'ticks,' meaning 'blood-sucking parasites.'
I like to date school teachers; if you do something wrong, they make you do it over again.
It's so annoying 'cause it's such a portable, good snack, but if you're a girl and you want to eat a banana all of a sudden you're in the position of like, how do I de-dick this delicious treat?
A study shows that ninety percent of men inflate the number of their sex partners, while the other ten percent inflate their sex partners.
This wasn't just plain terrible, this was fancy terrible, this was terrible with raisins in it.
As you get older, the pickings get slimmer, but the people don't.
When you've been around as a while… you'll know that there are three types of sex… One – brand-new, kitchen-table sex; Two – bedroom sex; then number three – hallway sex… when you pass each other in the hallway and say 'f**k you.'
I was born when my dad was 50. It's weird growing up with a dad that much older than you. We'd go to the movies, and we're both getting discounts.
My girlfriend was really angry when I gave her a box of photos of all her old boyfriends for her birthday.
I don't know why, she said she wanted an ex box.
A child asks his father what an alcoholic is.
The dad replies, "See those 4 cars? An alcoholic would see 8".
The child says, "But dad, there are only 2 cars over there".
Why are model trains and titties alike?
Both are intended for children but it's the dads who are playing with them.
Heard on a Russian political discussion show…
Do honest politicians exist? Of course! But they are the most expensive!
A positive attitude may not solve all your problems.
But it will annoy enough people to make it worth the effort.
My college professor once sat me down and said, "So you know, you're badly failing this ethics class."
So I slid $40 across the table and asked, "How about now?"
What's the difference between an anorexic and a shooting star?
One's all skin and bones, and the other's a little meteor.
In every koi pond of four or more, at least one is always fake.
You've got koi's A, B, C, and then the D koi.
Don't blame me! I didn't make these up!