Me: Time to relax and get into bed!
Internet: Want to read something upsetting first?
Me: Yes! Obviously!
My girlfriend broke up with me for being too "un-American".
I saw it coming from a kilometer away.
If you're not an expert but you think you've destroyed the entire foundation of a vast scientific community with 10 minutes of Googling, you might want to consider the possibility that you could be wrong.
My wife can't remember the password that she changed yesterday but can remember what I said on June 8, 2014, at 6:47PM.
Parents today:
Text me when you get there, text me the names of the kids who are there, text me when you're coming home.
Parents in the 80s:
Bye.
When my wife says "You know I've been thinking" there's an 85% chance we're going to end up in a store.
A 90 minute movie takes 2.5 hours to watch because my wife and I pause it to figure out what other movies an actor/actress was in.
My dog sets an impossible bar for how I should greet my wife when she comes home.
My family has been giving each other the same five gift bags since 1984.
Live it up young people because one day you'll reach the age when you have a favorite cashier at the grocery store.
I made dinner reservations for my wife's birthday and told the host there was an extra $20 for the bartenders if they card her.
The older you get the more annoyed you become when an unfamiliar car drives down your street.
My wife set parental controls on Netflix because I watched a show without her.
Eventually, your bladder becomes your alarm clock.
In my 20s I was excited when we made plans to go out.
Today I have that same excitement when plans to go out are canceled.
Congratulations to my wife on the purchase of her one millionth candle.
When a TV breaks today we immediately buy a new TV.
When a TV broke in the 80s we watched a smaller TV on top of the larger broken TV for a full season of Happy Days.
Listening to the 80's channel in the car my nephew asked why I had on the oldies station. The 3 mile walk home did him good.
I've lived in my house for years and still try to open the fake kitchen cabinet drawer.
For someone that doesn't like to leave the house, I care way too much about the weather.
Her: My aerobics instructor says I've got the chest of a 23-year-old.
Him: What did he say about your 60-year-old ass?
Her: He never mentioned you.
My friend Joe recently went on the Dolly Parton diet.
It really made Joe lean.
Breaking news! Protests continue over groundhogs decision.
#notmygroundhog
I heard a funny Volkswagen pun.
But they told me not to Passat along.
My friend told me he couldn't afford his water bill.
I sent him a get well soon card.
My biggest fear about becoming a zombie is all the walking.
My cousin just lost his job at the clock factory.
They said he was putting on too many hours.
Today I wore something that still fits me from 55 years ago.
It's only a scarf,
But, hey, let's be positive.
What did the French groundhog see when he woke up?
His château.
A priest is driving down the road when he comes across a dead pig in the road.
He contacts the police to inform them of the problem.
A cocky desk sergeant laughed and said, "Did you give it the last rites?"
"No", said the priest, "I thought I'd inform the next of kin first".
I wish there was a way to donate fat like you can donate blood.
You might be a redneck if you use Bubble-wrap under your doormat as your alarm system!
When you realize that the last day of 2023 will be 1-2-3-1-2-3.
I was just on the Weight Watchers website and it asked me if I accept cookies.
Is that a trick question?
My friend just said to me, "You've put a lot of weight on".
I said, "I've had a lot on my plate recently".
We're going to have to paint potatoes this Easter.
Valentine's Day Special, $500.
We arrest you in front of your wife and release you on Tuesday.
Includes camping fee, fishing license, tent, and beer.
Been on a diet for two weeks and I'm proud to say I've lost 14 days of happiness.
Tying ropes together.
It's knot fun.
Hipster gets mad his photo was used in an article about how all hipsters look alike. Finally realizes it wasn't him.
Can you explain these gaps in your resume?
I believe those are from the space bar.
Bought ice cream and left it outside because it was 7 degrees last night and is still 27 degrees today. Why did the ice cream melt?
Because it was celsius ice cream.
How is it that I weigh a pound less when I wake up than 1 hour after I wake up? I haven't eaten or drunk anything!
Optimism. Before the day has truly started and you're half asleep, you're full of optimism, which is lighter than air. Then the reality sinks in – literally, and your optimism leaves, and you are back to real life weight.
Remember the day we argued about Roman numerals?
Even now that day remains VIVID.
I tried to stay CIVIL,
But you ended up LIVID.
Doctor: Your X-ray showed a broken rib, so we fixed it with photoshop.
If you blink slowly enough it turns into a nap.