We spend five days a week pretending to be someone else in order to spend two days being who we are.

Originally written 35 years in the future, George Orwell’s 1984 is now set 35 years in the past.

If you have a law named after you, you have either succeeded in life or got yourself in some deep shit.

Maturity is realizing how many things don’t require your opinion.

One of the kids in your elementary school probably grew up to become a porn star.

Only one?

You don’t need a parachute to go skydiving, you need a parachute to go skydiving twice.

The night skies must’ve been amazing before the invention of electric lights.

There’s most likely a dimension where Freddie Mercury never died and went on to make even more amazing Queen hits that we’ll never get to hear.

Last week someone died trying to convince a stone age tribe to believe in iron age mythology. Today we landed a spaceship on another planet.

You can save 100% by staying home on Black Friday.

When you completely stop watching the news for a substantial period of time, the world becomes a much better place.

When the CDC tells people to throw out their lettuce everyone rushes to do it. But when the CDC tells people to vaccinate their kids it’s a giant conspiracy and we shouldn’t listen to them.

Also…

Anyone who doesn’t cringe at their younger self hasn’t grown.

Men in Black came out so long ago that the next sequel could have the 21-year old version of the squid that Agent J delivered as a baby now working with him.

Maybe some serial killers are time travelers trying to stop something horrific from happening in their timeline.

There isn’t a worse feeling than finding a great song by an artist you’ve never heard of and then discovering all the rest of their music sounds nothing like it.

The naked man fears no pickpocket.

Babies cry because they don’t understand the world. Adults cry because they do.

Mirrors don’t really break, they multiply.

The apple logo is a reminder that you will never actually get the full product.

Shouldn’t Medusa’s eyelashes be tiny snakes?

Let’s not even discuss if the carpet matches the drapes!

The fact that people are happy about the fact that there’s a hurricane, and they might get to stay home says a lot about our jobs/schools and the way we treat our workers/students.

When you take an Ethical Hacking course, it’s essentially the IT version of Defense Against the Dark Arts.

Shoppers will push a cart all over a store for hours but then leave it in the middle of the parking lot because it’s too far to walk it back to the store—or even a half dozen parking spots to the cart paddock.

The chance of you dying on the way to cash in a winning lottery ticket is probably greater than your chance of winning it in the first place.

Socks that are lost in the dryer reappear as random Tupperware lids that don’t fit anything.

Denying that aliens exist because no one can can verify that anyone has actually seen any is like dipping a cup in the ocean and then saying whales don’t exist because they’re aren’t any in the cup.