We spend five days a week pretending to be someone else in order to spend two days being who we are.

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Originally written 35 years in the future, George Orwell’s 1984 is now set 35 years in the past.

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If you have a law named after you, you have either succeeded in life or got yourself in some deep shit.

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Maturity is realizing how many things don’t require your opinion.

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One of the kids in your elementary school probably grew up to become a porn star.

Only one?

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You don’t need a parachute to go skydiving, you need a parachute to go skydiving twice.

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The night skies must’ve been amazing before the invention of electric lights.

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There’s most likely a dimension where Freddie Mercury never died and went on to make even more amazing Queen hits that we’ll never get to hear.

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Last week someone died trying to convince a stone age tribe to believe in iron age mythology. Today we landed a spaceship on another planet.

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You can save 100% by staying home on Black Friday.

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When you completely stop watching the news for a substantial period of time, the world becomes a much better place.

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When the CDC tells people to throw out their lettuce everyone rushes to do it. But when the CDC tells people to vaccinate their kids it’s a giant conspiracy and we shouldn’t listen to them.

Also…

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Anyone who doesn’t cringe at their younger self hasn’t grown.

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Men in Black came out so long ago that the next sequel could have the 21-year old version of the squid that Agent J delivered as a baby now working with him.

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Maybe some serial killers are time travelers trying to stop something horrific from happening in their timeline.

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There isn’t a worse feeling than finding a great song by an artist you’ve never heard of and then discovering all the rest of their music sounds nothing like it.

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The naked man fears no pickpocket.

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Babies cry because they don’t understand the world. Adults cry because they do.

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Mirrors don’t really break, they multiply.

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The apple logo is a reminder that you will never actually get the full product.

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Shouldn’t Medusa’s eyelashes be tiny snakes?

Let’s not even discuss if the carpet matches the drapes!

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The fact that people are happy about the fact that there’s a hurricane, and they might get to stay home says a lot about our jobs/schools and the way we treat our workers/students.

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When you take an Ethical Hacking course, it’s essentially the IT version of Defense Against the Dark Arts.

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Shoppers will push a cart all over a store for hours but then leave it in the middle of the parking lot because it’s too far to walk it back to the store—or even a half dozen parking spots to the cart paddock.

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The chance of you dying on the way to cash in a winning lottery ticket is probably greater than your chance of winning it in the first place.

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Socks that are lost in the dryer reappear as random Tupperware lids that don’t fit anything.

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Denying that aliens exist because no one can can verify that anyone has actually seen any is like dipping a cup in the ocean and then saying whales don’t exist because they’re aren’t any in the cup.

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