Category: Shower Thoughts

As a child, you’re scared of going to the dentist because of the pain. As an adult, you’re scared of going to the dentist because of the cost.

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Every decision you’ve ever made up until now (no matter how small) has potentially saved your life by keeping you from being in the wrong place at the wrong time.

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Earth’s climate will be repaired eventually, either by humans or by a lack of humans. One or the other.

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Willy Wonka somehow managed to sneak an entire nation of orange-skinned, green-haired little people past customs.

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Narwhals are just Unicorns that survived and adapted because Noah wouldn’t let them on his ark.

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People who say “money can’t buy happiness” have forgotten that you can buy a dog.

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Self-control is a single bowl of cereal.

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There are a lot of quiet little grannies out there with fond memories of being young and beautiful and fucking their brains out.

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Turtle necks are just uncircumcised t-shirts.

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Something we all need to keep in mind…

Yes, the world is a mess, but it’s not near as crazy or hateful as the media and the Internet would like us to believe.

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If you get pulled over and none of the five children in your car are wearing a seat belt you’re probably going to jail. But if you get pulled over and none of the 20 children in the vehicle are wearing seatbelts, you’re probably driving a school bus.

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Trying to make the United States “the best country in the world” while slashing the education budget is like baking the best loaf of bread while setting fire to all the wheat fields.

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You never really know when you’re an adult. You just get good enough at faking knowing what your doing to convince people younger than you that you have your shit together.

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Every coast in Antarctica is the north coast.

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It’s 2018. Shouldn’t cereal come in a bag with a zip closure by now?

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Naughty kids can easily take revenge on Santa by burning the coal and contributing to the destruction of his habitat via the greenhouse effect.

Merry Christmas!

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Staying off Twitter is like quitting smoking. After only a couple weeks away from it you see how disgusting it really is.

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90% of being married is shouting “WHAT?” from the other room.

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We don’t use the same technology we used 10 years ago but we have the same people holding office for 30+ years.

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If you’re spending $4 for a bottle of “smart water,” it’s not working.

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Dogs always say hello but never say goodbye.

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If Wolverine can heal/regenerate his wounds, then no matter what, Wolverine is uncircumcised.

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If you want to ruin any hobby, turn it into your job.

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Most world events can be more easily explained if you remember we are 95% chimpanzee.

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People won’t double dip salsa but, they’ll eat ass.

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Adulthood is wanting to cry for 4 days straight but not having the time to do it.

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When you say it out loud, the acronym “NSFW” has two more syllables than the phrase “Not Safe For Work.”

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If you ever feel like no one pays attention to you, try making a sandwich in front of your dog.

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If you have filled up your house with shit to the point where you need a storage unit for the rest of your shit then you probably own too much shit.

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