WHERE IS OUR BIG BEAUTIFUL HEADLINE?!
Folks, you can say what you want about Preznit Fuckwit, but you can’t deny that the dude is a bottomless well of super-awesome ideas.
Let’s threaten and alienate all our allies. Let’s throw Ukraine to the wolves, and give Putin everything he wants. Let’s bomb the shit out of Venezuelan fishermen.
Let’s allow masked federal thugs to roam the streets of our cities, and look the other way when they gun down anyone they want. Let’s smash half the White House to rubble, and put up a vulgar, heavily-militarized Epstein Dance Hall in its place. Let’s clownfuck ourselves into an unwinnable war that ends up making everything unaffordable.
Let’s encourage Americans to rat each other out for fun and profit.
Wait, what was that last one? Americans should do what?
Oh, you heard me right.
“So today, I’m thrilled to announce the— Fraud Whistle— Blower Incentive— Program. Fraud— Whistle— Blower Incentive Program. Annnnnnd— mark those words. Independent journalists and every— body and all Americans will now be able to go to the— fraud dot gov and report cases of corruption and theft of taxpayer dollars in their communities … if you turn somebody in and you find $1 billion, we’re giving a commission of 1%. That’s a lot of money,”
Really? We’re paying bounties on fraudsters now? Because I know a guy who sleep-farted his way through an entire trial, and then got convicted on 34 counts of fraud. He’s still walking the streets, and he’s still criming. Can I turn this narcoleptic fuckface in, and glom some reward?
Silly rabbit. The Donnyverse doesn’t intend for this new whistleblower thingumbob to be used against actual fraudsters — and certainly not against white people.
Here comes undead White House advisor Nosferatu McGoebbels, to explain that this is actually just another handy way for the administration to commit a racism against those they deem undesirable.
They came here from Somalia, they’re living here for a year or two, they say ‘I’m going to open up a fake daycare. I’ll tell Keith Ellison, I’ll tell Governor Walz, I’m taking care of 200 kids. Send me a check for thirty million dollars. What do they do? They buy Mercedes, they buy BMWs. They buy a mansion, they buy a nice house. All their kids fly first class all over the world. They are living the high life.”
Wait, is that true? Let’s do a quick fact check:
Of course this isn’t happening. It’s a fever-swamp fairy tale cooked up by white supremacists.
The reality is that every accusation Nosferatu just shat our of his undead mouth is actually being perpetrated right now by Preznit Fuckwit’s two felonious failsons — Cokey McSniffles, and the dumb one.
A report released Thursday details how the family of President Donald Trump “pocketed more than $2.9 billion”—including “in cash and gifts from crypto ventures, legal settlements, a luxury jet from a foreign government, and corporate deals”—while Republican cuts to the Supplemental Nutrition Assistance Program left millions of Americans without critical food aid.
Can I turn them in? Pretty please, can I?
Pick a lane, racists — are these Somalis all on welfare, or are they all buying luxury items? Because — spoiler alert — it can’t be both.
Folks, this is straight up Nazi bullshit — because you know who else used to pay people to rat out the undesirables in their midst, don’t you? Of course you do.
“The Dutch Department,” as the Nazis called it, was also known as the “Colonne Henneicke,” after its leader, Wim Henneicke. He had been trafficking in stolen Jewish property until the Nazis began offering cash for Jewish prisoners.
Workers were paid about 15 guilders a week, or $75 at today’s exchange rate, plus 7.50 guilders or $37.50 per captured Jew, van Liempt writes.
Pretty weird how every atrocity this administration is committing right now, was first dreamed up by the Nazis, 90 years ago. What a bizarre set of coincidences, am I right?
There was a time when arriving at our shores with five dollars in your pocket, and then going on to make a success of yourself was called ‘living the American dream.’
We celebrated such people, and wrote books and made movies about them.
Okay, that’s probably not the best example, but you get my drift.
The American dream isn’t a thing any more. The oligarchy doesn’t want some nasty immigrant coming here and succeeding — and certainly not any non-white immigrant. They want to keep all that money for themselves. (They made an exception for the Space Nazi — because, as a white child of privilege, he was already one of them.)
Look, let’s run some numbers. The entire number of Somalis in Minnesota is thought to be around a hundred thousand. Of that hundred grand, 85 people of Somali descent have charged with fraud. Of that 85, around 60 have been convicted and sent to prison.
Sixty out of a hundred thousand is 0.06 percent — a rounding error away from zero.
Fraud in Minnesota is almost nonexistent, and the culprits have already been rounded up and dealt with — but racist shit-kadoodles like Nosferatu McGoebbels want you to believe that every Somali is guilty of something, and that the America people won’t be safe until every single one of them has been deported to who the fuck even cares, just get them out of Dear Leader’s sight.
All this is by design. It’s a distraction from the real problem in our country.
‘Keep the people ignorant and fighting each other, and they won’t notice the plutocrats picking their pockets’ is right there on page one of the oligarch’s playbook.
And MAGA falls for this shit, every time — because stupid doesn’t magically cure itself overnight.
Now, listen — I’m not saying that folks should prank this new anti-fraud hotline, but I’m not saying they shouldn’t.
Here’s a fun thing that We the People did back in 2023.
You see, the government of Missouri had themselves a bright idea: transgendered people aren’t being persecuted enough, so let’s make it easier to single them out for abuse. And so they created a web form where concerned people complete fucking busybodies could rat on their neighbors.
Decent citizens everywhere had a better idea: let’s fuck this war crime right into the ground — and so they flooded the hotline with bogus reports.
It was fucking glorious.
Pranksters flooded the snitch form with so much hilarious garbage that it had to be shut down.
Now, I know what you’re going to say next. “But Uncle Jeff, you’ve already written over eleven hundred words, and you still haven’t told us what we really want to know: at any point during yesterday’s Oval Bordello dog-and-pony show, did Donny melt down at a reporter’s question and throw an infantile shit-fit?”
Do you even have to ask? Of fucking course he did.
“Listen to you. Hey. Hey! I’m not— You better, you better — I don’t know the hell you are, but you better be careful.”
And then the colicky piss-baby did it a second time.
“Wait. Wait. Quiet. QUIET! What’s wrong with you? Are you a sick person? I actually think there’s something wrong with you.”
What a fucking child. Tell me again how women don’t have the temperament to be president. That’s such a cool story.
Donny actually did it a third time, but some idiot forgot to bookmark it last night when he was making notes for this post.
Dear Leader held another hate-rally last night, in who the fuck even cares where. The demented old shitbag rambled incoherently for a merciless hour and fifty-four minutes. I’m not even going to bother to write about it. It was virtually identical to all the hate-rallies I’ve been covering for weeks now. Same shit, different day.
Let me just leave you with this one clip from last night.
“So, he’s over here, I’m over here. And— I’m studying his body. I’ve never studied the body of a man before. It’s not my thing. Nothing wrong with it, of course. Heh heh. Nothing— I always proceed it by saying ‘nothing wrong.’ But it’s never been my thing, to be honest with you. But I looked at his ass. And then I looked at his legs. And I said it might— and I said, ‘his ass is shit.’ It’s like— it’s like a pile of muscle. Then I looked at his legs. And I said, ‘man, his feet are big.’ Then I looked at his shoulders and I tapped him on the shoulder, and it actually hurt my hand. It was like a piece of steel.”
You have to love that Donny stuck a ‘not that there’s anything wrong with that’ in there. No, of course not.
Congratulations, MAGA. You elected a gay president — and you didn’t even know it.
Not that there’s anything wrong with that.
this is going to be my closing message for the foreseeable future:
practice self-care. do what you need to do to keep sane. if that means you need to disengage with my daily posts for a while, I get it. this community of ours will still be here when you return.
to all the people who have signed on in the days since the election, welcome aboard. settle in as we all try to deal with the shitfuckery that’s ahead of us.
we are all in this together, and we are all here for each other.
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