as another stupid week comes to a close here in America, let’s look back at the dumbest fucking shit that happened.
monday: pick me a green one
have you ever wondered how Piss-Drunk Pete Kegstand, America’s Secretary of Death, achieves that perfectly-coiffed wave of hair atop his head? well, it turns out that Pete’s big secret is a generous application of nostril sauce.
did you catch what Pete did there? he wiped his nose and then, in the same motion, ran his snot-infused hand through his hair.
ugh. Pete — what the hell? bro, you’re on camera. are you higher than a fucking kite right now?
were you raised by wolves?
if ever shit needed to be giffed for posterity’s sake, that time is now.
Jesus fucking wept.
tuesday: oh, please
as you watch what just might be the cringiest video ever shat out by a six-fingered plagiarism robot, keep in mind that it was posted to not-twitter by the Space Nazi himself.
oh my god, look at this fucktastic nightmare fuel. I’d rather be caught on camera rubbing snots in my hair, than be seen posting this infantile drivel.
eww. just eww.
wouldn’t you be embarrassed to post such a thing about yourself? I mean, I’m embarrassed for the Space Nazi, just from watching this piece of shit.
I also just threw up in my own mouth a little.
imagine being so fragile and needy, that you need this kind of constant validation; this constant need to prove to the world how awesome you are.
shouldn’t being a fucking trillionaire be its own self-validation?
dude has all the money. he could be doing anything right now. literally anything. he could be having experiences that you or I could only dream about. instead, he spends hits entire life broadcasting his bottomless need for affirmation onto his own Nazi bar and child porn emporium.
that’s just fucking sad.
oh, and here you go, Elon — the internet fixed it for you
wednesday: Obama turned me into a newt
it’s heartening to learn that in the MAGAverse, the answer to ‘why are bad’isn’t always ‘because Joe Biden.’
sometimes it’s ‘because Obama.’
Jason Selvig of the Good Liars: “are you worried about high gas prices?”
cultist: “no. no… we’ve seen worse, haven’t we?”
Selvig: “do you blame Trump for the high gas prices?”
cultist: “no, I blame what’s happening in Ukraine— er, I mean Iran. I’m sorry. I blame what’s going on in Iran.”
Selvig: “what’s happening in Iran?”
cultist: “uh, all the, all the, uh, um, ships being stopped, the oil being stopped. [trails off] I’m getting confused.”
Selvig: “but that’s all stopped because Trump went to war with Iran.”
cultist: “got to stop what they’re doing. do we want a— do we want a nuclear explosion? because that’s what they’re gonna do. we all know that. we all know that they had the power to do that. we want some isotopes, too. we want to see who did that, which we know is Obama.”
Selvig: “Obama did what?”
cultist: “he gave them the, um— [motions uselessly with her hands].”
this is what we’re up against, folks. this woman’s brain is so MAGA-pickled that she dutifully parrots all of Dear Leader’s talking points — but if you ask her to explain just what it is that Barack HUSSEIN Obama did, she can’t do it. she has no fucking clue what she’s supposed to be so mad about.
also: ‘we want some isotopes.’
we do? I didn’t even know that isotopes were on our national shopping list. someone should ask MAGA to explain what an isotope is. I’m pretty sure the answer you’ll get is ‘it’s that sportsballs team from The Simpsons.’
Jesse Watters: “if Democrats do win the midterms, is Trump getting impeached again?”
JD Vance: “I’m sure he’ll get impeached.”
don’t threaten us with a good time, Couchfuck.
“look, they have nothing to actually run on or govern on.”
oh, please do fuck straight off, JD. you’re accusing-confessing again. it’s you fascist fuckadoodle-doos who have nothing to run on. look at what you’ve got. high gas prices. unaffordable groceries. masked federal goons shooting anyone who looks at them funny. a fucking shit-geyser epidemic, for fuck’s sake. you can’t possibly run on any of that. that’s why every other word out of your mouth is ‘communist.’ it’s all you’ve got.
“their entire obsessive focus is that they hate Donald Trump.”
you say that like it’s a bad thing.
friday: the further adventures of Some Fucking Idiot™
on Friday, some fucking idiot had just one item on his public agenda — a campaign rally for Bruce Blakeman, the future answer to the Trivia Night question that no one will be able to remember: ‘who ran against Kathy Hochul for Governor of New York in 2026?’
I mean, I had to look it up just now, because I couldn’t dredge up his name, twenty-four hours later.
I have to agree with Molly Ploofkins here: ‘why are these uniformed police officers attending a partisan political rally in the middle of the workday?’
the fucking idiot took it upon himself to remind everyone that he’s way too into young girls.
Trump: “These young, beautiful girls. These young, beautiful girls. These young, beautiful girls in the White House. You know, they come in. Now, I’m not supposed to say beautiful, but what the hell? These young, these gorgeous, beautiful girls, they want to be safe.”
the fucking idiot bragged about making your life worse.
Trump: For you to pay a tiny, little bit more for your gas, just remember it’s so that an evil country cannot have a nuclear weapon. Remember that when you have to pay a little bit more. You’re at $4. It’s okay. I’ll never apologize. I did the right thing.
I’m not even sure what the fucking idiot’s point is here.
Trump: They keep talking about ‘affordability, affordability,’ and then they started screaming affordability, and you know I made the statement, but they always misread it, but I said the Democrats saying that is a hoax because they’re the ones that caused the affordability.
so, the Democrats caused ‘the affordability’? I guess that’s … bad?
the fucking idiot’s rancid anus-mouth made promises that reality isn’t going to allow him to keep.
Trump says that after Iran is defeated he’s going to declare the Strait of Hormuz a territory of the United States
keep dreaming, you fucking idiot. how’s stealing the Strait even supposed to work?
but the fucking idiot’s lowest moment came on the tarmac before the event, when he told the five thousand sailors who have been trapped aboard the USS Abraham Lincoln for the last eight months, without milk, fresh food, fully-functioning toilets, or even a day off, to pretty much go fuck themselves.
Reporter: Family members of service members are concerned about conditions on the Lincoln.
Trump: No they’re not.
Reporter: Has the deployment gone on too long?
Trump: No. Not nearly long enough.
and, despite the fucking idiot having had the nerve to say that in front of every member of the White House press corps, not one reporter stood up to ask, ‘what the fuck is wrong with you?’
how fucking idiotic is that?
this is going to be my closing message for the foreseeable future:
practice self-care. do what you need to do to keep sane. if that means you need to disengage with my daily posts for a while, I get it. this community of ours will still be here when you return.
to all the people who have signed on in the days since the election, welcome aboard. settle in as we all try to deal with the shitfuckery that’s ahead of us.
we are all in this together, and we are all here for each other.
Everything is broken, isn’t it?
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